forget your darkness behind some clever conversation

Even if you are on the right track, you wil get run over if you just sit there.-Will rogers

Before everything else:

Spice Girls are reuniting for a tour! My 5th grade self just leaped for joy!

*ahem* Anyway.

They are there for me, no matter what. And will probably be with me long after my last friend has bid me adieu.

I don't know what I'd do without my family.

And that is both my biggest weakness and my biggest strength.

So, I like to fantasize/ And watch the sunrise like it's a big surprise

“They say men are children, but sometimes children are men. Maybe that’s where the confusion lies.” -The Wonder Years

I am so scared of this world sometimes.

Over the roar that is the hurricane-tsunami Paris, have you heard of Aaron Hall?

No?

Good. Because the press seem to want to keep it that way.

http://bookshop.livejournal.com/834653.html

...its grotesque. Human beings at their worst, and to think the news didnt get out for so long and his murderers using the ugly 'gay' word to justify their crime. And it goes deeper than that, take a minute to read the link. The man wasnt even gay to begin with! And even if he was, even if he was flaming INYOURFACE PRETTIER THAN A WOMAN gay, so bloody what?

For his attackers to feel angered that the people he chooses to sleep with is enough to make their crime 'okay' enough for them to use homosexuality panic as a defense? And to have this not reported till a good two months after?

Its horrifying to me, that in a world advocating freedom from every oppression, and from a land supposedly more civilized, things like this still happen! I am saddened and disheartened that the world we live in today devotes more time to Paris getting out of jail than to crimes like that.

Makes you wonder what other crimes we don't hear about, because I'm 120% certain that Aaron Hall is not alone.

On that note, Chris Benoit killed his child and wife and himself recently. I used to watch him on WWE.

Its just all so sad and I dont know quite what to feel right now and these make my world, the world I am inheriting from the past generation, the world I am giving my children, seem so full of pure hate and malevolence, who needs the your fictional movie and book villains?

How is it that when I was growing up, my world was not like this?

When I was growing up, faux celebrities were relegated to stories in the back of the paper, were not a daily fixture, do people even realise that Tony Blair has ended a decade of service and has been replaced by Gordon brown?

Maybe it comes hand in hand.

What do I mean? Maybe the reason these celebrities are getting the covers, the headlines, the buzz so to speak, is simply because of how scary the world is of late. If we could just pause and escape into a SIMPLE WORLD of entertainment escapism, maybe that is enough to distract us from the reality of the world's deterioration.

Maybe people want us to focus on the likes of Paris because its so much simpler to talk about her than to be faced with the reality of the Darfur, of the lives lost in politics in the Philippines and so on, in the War On Terror, of global warming and its consequences on you and me, of the ever growing gap between the rich and the poor, of child labour and you can name your own thing here.

Don't get me wrong. There is a beauty in the breakdown.

There are unnamed heroes and movements sweeping the globe everyday. Beyond the madness, there is still hope, and there is faith, and there is love. And while I know I am blessed beyond measure, goodness me, how can I not be saddened when I read of people like Aaron Hall.

You and I must not choose to remain apathetic. But I know 99% of us will, and focus on our hair, and our faces and our bodies, and on our 'loves' and our other everyday so called problems and issues, because lets face it.

It is much easier fixing a broken nail than a broken world.

Its times like these that I pray that much extra harder, and it is a shame that it took a murder to get me to do that.

we kiss each other, one more time, and sing this lie, thats halfway mine

"Everything we do affects other people." - Luke Ford



Yes.

I totally posted this just to show off the new promo picture for the next film.

The End!

and if you see us in the club/ you'll be watchin all night

The only way to accept an insult is to ignore it. If you can't ignore it, top it. If you can't top it, laugh at it. If you can't laugh at it, you probably deserved it. unknown


Whenever I hear songs that shout about "Me, Myself and I" and you know, the constant reiteration that all you have at the end of the day is yourself, I laugh.

Okay, its what sells the records at one end of the extremes, singing about being alone, themes that play from unrequited love, being left, leaving someone, dealing with being alone....this dealing with some form of supposed brokenness as to why at the end of the day we are alone, but screw that, we're better off alone anyway!

Are we really?

Better off alone?

I dont mean alone without a partner, a lover, a boyfriend, a girlfriend. I mean alone, without the world, alone facing the world. Its more idyllic hearing songs about "its you and me against the world" than "its me me me! only! me! alone! forreever! yay!"

Because, well, while it IS empowering, while it IS liberating, and at some level I know that while it's true, that all you really have is yourself at the end o the day, songs like that are hardly what we really want at the end of the day. And yet

When it all comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody.

No, hear me out.

Thats why loneliness kills and can lead to depression, holidays must never be spent alone, and why touch is often the most powerful and tear inducing human sense. Its why hugs are often used to relieve someone's grief, why kisses can soothe someone's sadness, why innocent cuddles can fuel one's lust, why tickling can make someone's day, why dancing is considered almost another form of foreplay, why people confuse lust with love, why you can hear someone excusing their promiscuity by saying they tried to kill the pain and so on and so forth...

Its why some people stay in relationships that go nowhere, or persist in maintaining relationships where theyre not really in love with their partner, but HEY ITS BETTER THAN BEING ALONE. That fear of growing old alone gnaws at you.

Amazingly, just being with someone else, however way, emotions be damned, spending time with someone, even in silence, can be enough to cure most heartaches, even temporarily. Nothing like being with someone who you know *gives a damn* about you. And while touch is powerful, hearing someones caring voice over the phone, receiving a sweet text, being nudged on MSN (thanks, technology), can sometimes be just as overwhelming.

So this action by which we all keep our distance, stay away, pretend not to care about each other, it's almost always a big load of B freaking S.

We pick and choose who we really want to remain close to, and these chosen people are often thoe ones we stick close by to, no matter how much we hurt them or vice versa. Coz these people, right, (and you know you have yours), they are the ones that are still with you at the end of the day, despite it all.

The ones who know all about you, and stick by your side anyway, those are the ones worth keeping. They know about that scandal, they know about that fear,and they dont care. They know you beyond the public image your portray and damn them, theyre there for you anyway!


And if youre very lucky, and youre very blessed, as you read this, you were picturing your exact people in your mind. You lucky thing.

Okay okay, sometimes close can be too close, way too close, like omg get out of my life get your own life close. Like, omg you know about that!? close.

But sometimes, at the end of the day, its these people we fall to. And even if theyre distant geographically, even if you havent seen each other in years, when you meet again, it is always beautiful.

Because these people we run to, we know that theyre gonna be the ones catching us. And we'd do the same thing for them.

No matter if its too close. Sometimes, that invasion of personal space,that little moment of clarity that youre not really alone.. it can be exactly what you need.

Sometimes reputations outlive their applications, and theyre the very people who outlive it with you.

Don't get me wrong now. You CAN make it in this world alone. But if given a choice, do you really want to?

And that, ladies and gents, is why I laugh at those songs. Cheers.

the way you convince me to dance in the rain

To be nobody but yourself, in a world which is doing it's best, night and day, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
~ E.E. Cummings


Scared children running during Vietnam War 35 years ago:


Crying Paris Hilton getting taken back into jail:


Question:What do the two pictures have in common?

Answer: The same photographer.

Truth. The guy who took that photo above 35 years ago also took that one of Paris Hilton. He won a pulitzer for that photo, and now..

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nick_Ut

Our priorities sure have gone down in the past 35 years. :/

Don't you just love how the context of an "important historical picture" has changed so much?

its spelled glamourous, fergie

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.
-- Mark Twain.

I was so excited when my baby brother said "Hey, Ive seen that guy somewhere before", about a guy in a commercial the other day. He was referring, of course, to the hotsohotsopleasedontbegayandcrushmydreams Wentworth Miller. I was happy he recognised Wentworth, thinking my brother, who doesnt watch television shows as avidly as I do, was *finally* appreciating him for his work in Prison Break. I beamed. I glowed.

...until he sang, "..and when you left, I lost a part of me..."

He recognised him from Mariah Carey's video, We Belong Together. -_- Wagh!

A friend visiting KK from Singapore told me today she wanted to get me a job with her marketing and pr firm. There is a vacancy. And I had to gently remind her I finished in accountancy, so I must go in that field.

And she looks at me questioningly and says, "Must you?"

And I realised, in that clear moment,yeah,"Must I?"

I have a confession to make!

I struggled in my course and while I enjoyed it, I didnt enjoy it as fully as I know I would have a Mass Com degree or something geared more towards Marketing or BBA or even heck, English or arts. I think I finished my course mostly because I wanted to make my parents proud and not disappoint them.

I've always been more into words than numbers, which really makes me wonder how I pulled that degree off sometimes o_0

Its not that easy, juggling a double major in accounting & information systems, two completely different fields. But I pushed through and I made it, and now that when push comes to shove for me to USE the damn degree that I struggled for years for, I'm rethinking whether I should go into an entirely new field altogether.

Which is why I'm triply thinking my next career move. Accounting? Information Systems? Or something else entirely? Ah. Life. I asked my parents and as usual, they were no help,"Do whatever you want to do, dear". Le sigh.

They should have had a course at uni that told you what happened if you made dumb career moves. I can get accounting jobs. But in my heart of hearts, I think the biggest reason I balk at accounting job offers is because I secretly dont want one and want something les technical. I mean, I can do it. I can do your taxes and balance your accounts for you perfectly.

But that doesnt mean its what I want to really be doing.

By the way, if you didnt know it before, u'll know it now.I have a lot of nerve. No, really I do. I handed in my resignation letter,right, which was really only a formality, because I had already verbally informed my boss that I would be pursuing other opportunities and not continuing on to full time work after my probation period but thank you for the offer lalala that speech, ya know?

I tested the waters and they werent for me, and while the company rocks, theres little room for promotion and/or maybe Malaysia isnt for me, I dunno. I have a lot of nerve, because I then asked for a few days off to go to Brunei. Yeah. Lol. See?I do have a lot of nerve, but I am doing overtime and finishing up accounts responsibly so its all good. Ah, on to the next. Keep my career move in your prayers, dear readers.

Chris Brown's version of Umbrella kills me, I swear.

remember the telephone goes both ways

"Respect is based on friendship, and friendship is based on love, and love is so... accidental." -Henry David Thoreau


It amused me when he and I picked matching ones. I had gone before him in line and when he came out with the same one, upside down, it was like yin and yang. And that probably describes our friendship best, though whoever is yin and whoever is yang is anyone's guess. We never did take good photos. I was just too tanned and he was way too pink.

In any case, I was TRICKED into going for facials the other day.

I figured it would be a fun outing. Here's the thing, I've done facials before, but never ones with scary names like Bio-Lift and Diamond peel, and after seeing my skin, the skin analyst literally said in no nonsense english "Girl, you need help,STAT!"

Okay, she didnt REALLY say that.

I didnt realise my skin was so bad. Okay, they were probably just trying to milk me for all my money, and make me feel bad so I'd pay more, but ya know.

I found myself agreeing to her recommendations. It was joked I was off to the ICU, Emergency Unit, lol, for my skin. Oh har de har har.

I lay on my back awkwardly and my skin care person couldnt speak English. Oh doy. She spoke in careful malay to me and I looked up and saw a person with snow white complexion, even if her face was covered in a mask thing that looked like what I was wearing during the haze craz in Brunei. But I digress.

She washed my face with a cloth, massaged my face then proceeded to put a mask on. I pretty much fell asleep. Then I woke up and she informed me she was doing a 'diamond peel', and I saw her use this vacuum and scrub thing on my face! Which scared me but after wards I saw so much...exfoliation (read: dead skin cells) done, I couldnt quite believe it. Then she steamed my face. Then she proceeded to tell me, "this is going to hurt" and for about 30 mins or more, with a steamer, she started to poke and prode and prick and push and basically attack my face and I was in tears at the end of it.

One word: Excruciating.

THEN, she showed me everything, every pus, blackhead, whitehead, pimple, WHATEVER, that she tortured out of my face and I was literally horrified. Thankful, sure. But horrified nonetheless.

THEN she aimed this blue light thing on me which was supposed to kill all bacteria on my face, for about another good 30 mins or so. I really slept then.

THEN she put a mask AGAIN (so i slept again)

THEN she took the mask off and massaged my face again. Which felt sooo good. She even gave me an arm and back massage and did my eyebrows, for good measure.

So I was done.

I cant say I felt my skin was GLOWING (because believe me, my skin currently needs HELP. You cant get away on no sleep like me over the years and not experience hormonal imbalances and skin flare ups, unfortunately), but itwas definitely cleaner.

AND they gave TEA!

Which of course made me happy, so I was TRICKED into buying their products.

I went to HerbaLine Beauty Centre, apparently all herbal and whatnot. So after trying a range of products from high measures to cheap fixes, I'm giving this one a go.

If it still doesnt help, meh, I may really have to consider oral antobiotics again or something.

...I started this entry out to talk about my day, but I ended up revelling you all with tales of my skin journey. Lol, oops.

On one note though, two of my best friends told me they didnt see what I needed them facials for, they felt I shined brightly enough without them. Aw, sweetness beyond belief. I think I tried out this line mostly because I was curious and hey, its for my own confidence.

So if I dont see changes after forking out for their products, someones head is rolling.

And plus, facials? Strangely addicting and I can't wait for my next appointment.

you wear those shoes and I will wear that dress

You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.

-Breakfast at Tiffany's

While more a sampler of the variety than a regular partaker, I have no problem with alcohol, and used wisely (or unwisely so to speak), it can often lead the the funnest upon funnest upon funnest of nights (and even days, for the more party hearty).

However.

I abhor the fact that alcohol is used as a free ticket for people to be able to something they really want to do and not take responsibility for their actions.

Like the girl who really likes dancing/making out with guys in clubs but 'would never do that if sober' so is prudish as we enter a party/event/club/bar/pub but after one shot (come on, ONE shot!?) is off dancing with guys and then giving me looks of disgust at the guy she's dancing with but is OBVIOUSLY really enjoying herself. Then the next day proclaims about how drunk she was and she'd neveerrr do it if sober. *rolls eyes* Bitch, puh-lease.

Like the guy who when 'drunkened up' chooses then to tell me he is absolutely in love with me. Then denies it the next day to gauge my reaction, which is of course, amused and bemused, to see if I'll react and I know if I gave even an iota of a reaction, he'll break and tell me 'properly'. Sorry babe, I see right through you, and if you don't have the guts to carry it through and not use alcohol to protect yourself from my probable rejection, I will not lift a finger to make it any easier for you.

Alcohol lowers ones inhibitions. It does not give the drinker sudden new desires or newer levels of feelings, it just opens up the person to actually act on something he/she always wanted to do.

Own up to your inner desire to snog that guy! So the girl is deemed slutty, but without the added connotation that she is lying about her lack of sobriety in order to get with guys.

We have to own up and be responsible for most of, if not all, our actions.

Using alcohol as a protection blanket is a cheap out.

Using alcohol to toughen yourself up before an event is one thing, or to calm yourself down is another, but using it BEFORE something, merely to be able to use it as an excuse AFTER said event that "It only happened because I was drunk", I think thats pretty spineless.

But imagine if you just said, "yeah, i did it of my own accord. I risked it, and well, I got shot down/rejected/humiliated, but it was worth a risk."

Ah, to be said to be worth a risk, and not said to be worth a drunken mistake the next day!.

sometimes a moment stuns us

"Values are like fingerprints. Nobody's are the same, but you leave 'em all over everything you do. "
~Elvis Presley

It amuses me how just because I never proclaim to the rooftops about being in love that people automatically assume I am not involved with anyone and neither am I in love.

Just because I dont talk about it, and use attempts at writing like in my previous post to talk about it, doesnt mean I am in a relationship, and neither does it mean I am not in one. What do you call a partnership that transcends that? I've had my share of wonderful men, horrible men, so on and so forth, but what girl my age hasnt. My relationships with men do not define my life, and in fact are the icing, the bonus, the extra pleasures (if you will) of my life, and never have been all that my life has been about....and reading all that over again, I suppose thats the problem with me. I suppose I'll only really be 'in love' the days my posts are filled with gushes and swoons, so till then, I remain ambiguous, at least to the blogging sphere.

My parents are back, and how I missed them. Stayed at a friend's all week. It was nice and I enjoyed getting to know her and her family better, plus she cooks really well, which is always a plus in my books.

When Shakira came out with "Hips Dont Lie", I could swear half the world salivated and wanted to learn belly dancing and spanish. I was underwhelmed, but must admit with the right crowd, place and music, I was on the dance floor and you couldnt pull me off. In mid 2006 of course. The song gave way to other hot tracks, but back then, it was sick.

The Fray (famous for their Greys Anatomy "How To Save A Life" song), made a version of their own this year, which re-ignited my love for this song. I dont know where you can get the song, but a fan made a version of it with clips from youtube:


Its sexy hearing men say theyre reading the signs of my body. Lol. Its half parody, but its great.

Job decisions are looming. My current job probation doing auditting at Borneo Oil ( they own sugarbun and so on, its pretty cool :D ) is ending, and I have to decide and decide fast because papers have to be processed. I have an accounting degree. I should use it, I know. I wish I wasnt so picky. Take a damn offer, Izzah. *sigh* Would it be career suicide to take a job that pays more but isnt really in my accounting field? Would it be risky,future wise? I think it would. *sighs* I wish I had the luxury of taking a job in a line I want to be in, rather than the line I have to be in.

I went out with some friends a few nights ago, and as I was scrambling to take my camera, they said "leave the camera, we can take our own memories", which made me realise that I spend too much time lately taking photos in order to remember events that I hardly ever spend time at the event itself just...being there.

And it was good, being there, in the present, breathing it all in.

the sun doesnt go down/ its just an illusion caused by the world spinning around

He could.

He could keep telling me he loved me everyday of his life.
(By texts, by emails, by calls, by letters, by postcards)
He could keep showing me he loved me every chance he could.
(Really, sometimes, he does it too much)
He could keep making these unexpected surprises that make my day
(Who am I kidding, they make my life)
He could keep showering me with affection, almost drowning me with love.
(And I'd drown for his love)

He could keep playing with my hair and make me want to stop its rebonding.
(He likes it natural, he calls it bedhead sexy
When its really wavy and unkempt)
He could laugh at my insecurities
And dance with me whenever I want to
Wherever I want to
He tells me he really could.

He keeps saying he could watch me wake up
Because I sleep far longer than he ever does
And I could watch him sleep
Because he sleeps far earlier than I ever could

He could make me go to Mass every Sunday
He could make me eat vegetables
I could make him play his guitar for me
I could make him wear that shirt he hates

He could carry me again
In more ways than one.
He could keep being my pillar
Keep being my strength
Keep our bubble of love intact

But in the end of the day
When life and us collide
All the things he keeps on doing to keep me
All the things I'm doing to keep him
When life decides to interfere
Even love like this isnt ever enough
Because if it were enough
We could still be 'us'.

Instead of being him. And me.
Oh, if we only could.

Autobiography In 5 Short Chapters

i.
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost . . . I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

ii.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

iii.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in... It's a habit.
My eyes are wide open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

iv.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

v.
I walk down another street.
By Portia Nelson