... we kiss. And it feels like we have just shrugged off the world

To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you, is to have kept your soul alive.

~ Robert Louis Stevenson

Everyone keeps thinking about the meaning of life and our purpose for being here.

Can I tell you a secret?

For a second, I want you to close your eyes to whatever religion you worship.

(And this comes from a staunch Catholic. Just think with me for a second.)

There could be that there's no big purpose or reason. By no fault or want of our own, we are born.

And then, if we're blessed, we grow older.

We wake, some in the morning, some in the afternoons, but we wake...we wake to live our lives, to do whatever it is we are raised to (or if youre lucky, choose to) do, and then when we're tired, or bored, we go to sleep, preferably in a bed.

No matter the background music, its as simple and ordinary as that.

Some of us drive too fast, have sex too fast, drink too much, spend too much (moderation is the key, people, though thankfully not the rule). Some of us dont drive at all, dont drink, dont spend and grow old wondering why when they could have, they didn't risk. A few jump off cliffs or are pushed, pushed beyond their comfort zones to become great, and years later, wonder where their glory years went. Others drown themselves, in sorrow, water, money or women. Some choose pills, either the dietary kind, or something with just a little more kick.

A lot of us are gone in a blink of an eye, because of an accident, because of a mistake. If you're very lucky, if youre very fortunate, its old age and time that stops you.

But hows this for consolation: than the moments where everything is a kaleidoscope of colour, an hour here, and hour there.

A moment here.

A moment there.

Precious times when our lives seem, against all odds and against every expectation, to simply throw itself open and suddenly give us everything we've ever imagined.

Beauty, for even a moment, despite it all.

But everyone but children (and perhaps even they) know these hours will inevitably be followed by others, some that are far darker and more difficult.

And yet, we cherish this life, for its for these moments we live.

Our lives are in everything we do.

And then, we sleep again.

And when we wake, whether its in the morning, afternoon or night; we hope, more than anything,we hope..

..for more.

A lie can be halfway round the world before the truth has even got its pants back on

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

The Call- Regina Spektor

I am very harshly against the thought of goodbyes.

Or should I say, at the thought of being the one left behind? Im used to leaving people.

There have been a lot of answered prayers lately.

Life is going as well as it can be, and Im getting into my routine of 8 to 5 work (which stretches to seven on most days!), the occasional social event, church activities and lots of me time when I can spare it. My days used to be scattered with moments where I chased temporary highs, and while I admit I look back on those days with a fondness that could break your heart if you knew how fond, these days, I can't really afford to, with all the plan plan plans and expectations of me thrown around.

Expectations to succeed. Alarmingly high, from family, friends, peers, strangers.

And expectations to fail. Alarmingly high, from family, friends, peers, strangers.

I used to live for the expectations. To prove them wrong. To prove them right. But now, I just..live. As best as I can, I live.

Its hard. You know? Knowing you have only yourself to blame? Putting full responsibility on yourself for the choices you make. Lol.

You know that feeling, where theres calm before the storm?

Its calm for me now. Alarmingly so. In all aspects of the word, its calm. But I can feel the storm brewing. I am a born optimist, but have recently become an idealist, which, Im afraid is due to a lot of life changing events in the recent history of my life.

But my world is simple.

So don't step into it right now.

It just might break.

How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat/ Some dance to remember, some dance to forget.

Don't wonder why people go crazy... wonder why they don't. In the face of all we can lose in a day, in an instant, wonder what the hell it is that makes us hold it together. -- Grey's Anatomy

You think at 18 you know everything.

I was at a debut the other day, this lovely little girl who I watched grow up is now 18, and I could see in her all the loveliness there is still to be had. She was cautious and nervous yet excited and happy all at the same time. To be especially corny, she's not a girl anymore, but she's not a woman. Yet. She was beyond lovely and I was thrilled to be one of her candles.

Yeah yeah, I'm corny.

Probably in the same way I love coming-of-age films, I love coming-of-age rituals like these. Perhaps because in my own way, I realise, I still have a lot of coming-of-aging (yeah yeah its a new word :P) to do.

You know, when I was 18, I thought I knew absolutely everything.

And it was only recently that I came to terms with the fact that for all my bravado and all the, lets call it uh, experiences, I went through, when I was 18, for all the fun, for all the aches..I knew absolutely nothing at all.

But I didn't know that then.

When I see the younger generation rush rush rush to grow up, by swearing, by engaging in promiscuity, underaged drinking, so on and so forth, I just want to make them pause. Too much, too fast, oh too soon.

TV and movies lie, children. Thats not what growing up is about.

But I won't tell you now.

You wouldn't listen to me anyway.

You'll just have to learn the hard way.

And despite the bumpiness and the consequences and what you wake up to the next day and the disapproval and the and the "I TOLD YOU SO" and 'mistakes'...

wow, is the hard way fun sometimes.

the only normal people are the ones you don't know very well

"My point is, there are a lot of people in the world. No one sees everything the same way you do; it just doesn't happen. So when you find one person who gets a couple of things, especially if they're important ones... you might as well hold on to them. You know?"

- Lock and Key by Sarah Dessen

So, how smart is it, to see a vodka bottle right and assume it contained water, pour yourself a full glass and drink it straight up, and realise everyone thinks woah that girl's great but having to smother your surprise and just go through with it because the alternative is just too silly?

Yeah, happened to me last night. Tsk. Yet another drinking mishap.

But its all good. I admitted it later on and everyone laughed. I dont blame them, I would have laughed at me, too.

A really really old friend and I had a long overdue phone chat at around 2 am. When I hung up, I just felt so warm and fuzzy inside, I can't explain it. It was good and kind of rekindled something in me. Thank God for small tokens of attention like this. It was a jolt I needed and appreciated and made me smile.

I also found one tree hill first half of season 5 in one of the many dvd places around the country. Damn, am I thrilled. Totally watching all of it in one go.

Still a Leyton fan. Its insane how much Im rooting for that pairing.

In other news, its mothers day today and my mother is not here, she's in malaysia. So I bought a rose for a sort of proxy mother. And she was pleased, I think, or so Id like to think so.

On a funnier note, Ive noticed when i dress down, when Im in t shirts and jeans, I can pass for a student. And at the blood drive, they asked me if Im a St. Georges student. O. M. G. I always stress I look younger now than i did when I was actually younger. And at work, the colleagues didnt believe I'm 22, they believe I'm older. I suppose its because Im less playful (or try to be) at work. My aura's defnitely younger I think.

I gave blood today.

This is only the second other time Ive ever given blood. I was so happy too. I was excited and ready and politely, really, I asked the doctor if a recent piercing would make my blood unfit to be given and instead of giving me a simple yes or no, she started being all preachy and telling me the piercing was unnecessary blah blah blah. She even wanted to look and just made all this noise.I took none of her self righteousness and asked her point blank if my blood, which is a rare type or so Im told, AB negative I think, was fit to be donated or should i just go home? She kept silent and said yes.

Biatch.

I was so annoyed.

Oh well, she's lucky Im nicer now. I think.

He trusts me absolutely - I trust he does. And I? I trust him absolutely, to be absolutely human

When you see such photos, you can't help but wonder at just how sweet and sad and innocent all moments of life are rendered by the tripping of a camera's shutter, for at that point the future is still unknown and has yet to hurt us, and also for that brief moment, our poses are accepted as honest.
[generation x - douglas coupland]

I had my nails painted black recently. I was called 'emo' by the youth I serve, and I said,"hey, some drink their sorrows away, others cut. I paint my nails black."

Okay, thats beyond lame, I know. :D

I am an introvert.

Okay, thats a bit of a lie.

If you asked the people I went to university with, I'd assume most would say I was a bit of an extrovert. Aside from being loud, which is an understatement, it also means I tried out for everything and anything that would make my post-graduation curriculum vitae chock full of achievements, participations, leader posts and activities. You name it, chances are I've done it.

I simply exhausted every opportunity, mostly because I wanted the experience, and I didnt want to waste any moment.

But in all honesty, I am more of an introvert, happier alone than in a crowd, than I ever dared to admit.

Lately, I have found myself less and less comfortable in a crowd, though when I used to bask in the attention, I was never fully confident enough to completely pull it off.

I always felt that everyone kind of sort of knew that I wasnt.

Wasn't confident, I mean.

The strange contradiction about me is that while Im extremely self confident about myself in some areas, I am also extremely low self esteemed in others. I am confident enough to leave the house without a dash of makeup on, and I wear whatever I feel like wearing. But that uncomfortable streak which was absent in me during my uber confident university days, its surfacing now more than ever, maybe especially because I am back in the place where my awkward adolescense took place.

I grew up here.

I should be comfortable here.

But as each day passes, who am I kidding?

It has largely to do with the fact that my parents are no longer tied to their missionary contract or their missionary lives. Which makes me happy because now I feel they can move on. However, because I am tied to my parents expectations, I once thought that because they were so active, I should be too. They are no longer tied to the community in Brunei, the community I always proudly claimed was the reason behind my staunch faith.

But lately, after everything Ive witnessed and experienced, I'm not so sure anymore.

Though I want to serve, truly.

I'm just not so sure what for anymore.

And if Im serving just out of routine, I may as well not.

So I gotta make sense of that and figure that out myself.

And forgive me if I repeat myself, but I am also becoming more and more of an introvert lately.

Truly.

Nothing beats staying home and just pampering yourself with a drink and a good movie. A friend or two over? Heaven on earth.

Ah, there are just so many people and places I am so damn tired of.

So superficial. I don't understand how they can be. Or maybe I just can't relate.

Even drinking is less appealing. Could I possibly, *gasp*, finally have outgrown it?

Nah.

If it wasnt so illegal here...hmm. Food for thought.

I still throw myself at work, at church, among the handful of associates who are slowly but surely becoming my friends. Lifelong ones? Maybe not. But transcendant ones necessary in this phase of my life? Surely.

And yes, I should feel so at home. I spent fifteen years here growing up here, for eff's sake.

So (no matter how 'emo' this sounds) why do I feel lately more and more like a tourist looking for her way home?

But on a happier note, I looked at my receipts lately, of money I've been able to send to my parents and so on and so forth. I was a bit surprised. I've actually been able to send that much?

I've been able to help that much?

*whistles*

At this point in my life, I am financially independant from my parents.

Not emotionally though.

And if nothing else...

That has to be an accomplishment.

dreams permit each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives

She did not know where she was; she was not entirely sure who she was. It is astonishing just how much of what we are can be tied to the beds we wake up in in the morning and it is astonishing how fragile that can be.
Coraline by Neil Gaiman.


You once jokingly said, "Remember me!!"

That was on a cold Saturday night, and Sunday was creeping in. We had yet another one of our evening sessions, where we seemed to think we would remain young forever. The future lay untold before us.

Its amazing how all our lives are so intertwined, yet so seperate.

How a life that once lived in parallel are no longer even really in acknowledgement of the other's existences.

And how some survive in spite of, or maybe even, because of, the distance and time spent apart.

And how one that once used to be in a completely opposite world is suddenly thrust into anothers, shaking comfort zones.

For better.

Or for worse?

Only time will tell.

I miss the simple friendships of years gone past, and I treasure them. And like I said before, I carry them in my heart, every where I go. Hand in hand, we're all tangled up in each other.


Would you forgive me if I let go?

Of course you would.

Would you forgive me if I can't seem to?

I think you'd be surprised if I could.

My past is a colorful yet beautiful yet saddening blur. My future is unrealised. My present is happening at a pace I can't control.

The past seems like something I can.

(Even if I know, I know I can't.)

So forgive me as today, I can't seem to stop remembering.

As April closes down and May sweeps in...

I remember you.