"Don't spend your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and in the end it's only with yourself." - Baz Luhrmann
Dear Everyone & Their Mother (who all seem to want to know what I'm doing and thus visit this blog for info and/or question the poor parents who have almost literally no control over the choices of this 21 year old),
Everyone and their mother seem to think they know whats best for me, and what I should have done, and what I should do, and what I should be doing, and what I should not have done. And they tell my parents. And my parents are confused and cute and have to justify the choices of their daughther when in reality they have no control as she makes her plans.
While its hard for others to grasp, when I was younger, i wanted a simple life. But circumstances change. Then they changed again. And they will freakin KEEP CHANGING, because I am young and I can do whatever I want, with no need for soul searching from Everyone And Their Mother.
Not to sound completely up myself, but let me explain that I am a very marketable job seeker. I have found it easy to secure interviews and job offers, and mostly, it is myself who holds back. I have been offered jobs in Perth, in Singapore, in Brunei, in Malaysia, but I chose other things for personal reasons Everyone And Their Mother need not know and neither do I need to justify.
Money, emigration, stable job, depleted moral values?
Less money, emigration of sorts,stable job, moral values intact?
Most people, when I asked, chose the job that depleted moral values but inflated their bank accounts, their materialism, keeping up with the Jones's and so on and so forth and only after my careful explanation of my stance agreed begrudgingly that my choice was the better one.
I am being too picky, some say, it is just the first full time job, others say, you'll switch jobs like candy, others say. While I say, though the first job, and while money may be a huge factor, I want one that will add on to the value of what I already possess.
Its hard accepting a fulltime job, knowing there is a better one. Papers have to be processed, for one. And contracts have to be signed for another. I am truly lucky I have enough savings to live off on, and not burden the parents, as I make a final choice and a part time auditing job fo experience that challenges me everyday.
When I said I was marketable, I suppose I meant I have a good degree, thanks to my parents who strove hard to get me to finish. I have excellent extracurricular activities, part time working experiences, good references, and excellent interview skills.
But why do what others expect of me have to fit in the picture of what I want my world to become? Its hard enough knowing what you want, and then having to adjust it, of sorts, to fit in the picture of what others feel you should be living. Its hard making a move knowing that people will criticise and judge and question and wont even listen to justifications, and more easily accept that I obviously 'wasnt good enough'.
Well, your superficial definitions of what is deemed 'good enough' do not fall into what my definitions are. I will not compromise my moral values for a job, end of story.
It is the survival of the fittest in this world, and it doesnt matter what your definition of fittest is, be it, the fittest in cooking, the fittest in hair maintenance and beauty upkeep, the fittest in heart breaking, the fittest in dare I say, religious beliefs,fittest in idealism and so on and so forth. You get the picture I'm trying to paint here, and its not a pretty one.
Its not so bad, really. Without this strive to be the fittest, a lot of things wouldnt have been invented, and so on and so forth, but seriously, the tiredness at the end of the day leaves something to be desired,and God, do we really really need to have it shoved down our throats everyday that we have to achieve?
What if all I aspire for and all distance I really want is a pretty lil house near Boracay or Cebu or Kota Kinabalu for that matter?
Do I really have to keep being compared to my counterparts? Do I really have to be told how one peer isnt doing so well in comparison to me, and how another is doing so much better?
Are those really supposed to spur me on!? Are the news that one of my peers has failed or another has succeeded spur me to move on in my life? Hell no, and Everyone And Their Mother need to STOP comparing us.
I'm trying to think about what I aspire for in life, and while I used to know, I now quetsion whether i should ruthlessly aspire to achieve the big bucks or just do something I like more.
Im just so fed up with it all sometimes....and the world sucks when it sets a standard thats so media glossy driven and it sucks even more than most of us fall victim to it.
But Im not going to be one of the victims, and I dont care what I hear from Everyone And Their Mother, with them being a broad category wrapping my parents friends, friends, peers, church mates,associates, high school mates, old friends and and so on and so forth.
I will live my life, and if you need to know why I'm doing what I'm doing, you can very well ask me, Everyone And Their Mother. You do not need to be sneaky and visit my blogs for information and report to everyone you can bitch about me to because God knows I have a ton of blogs and sites I randomly update. You do not need to ask my parents/brothers/sisterinlaw/familymember/cat, or ask a friends daughters friends son about me when you do NOT TALK TO ME ANY FORM WHEN YOU SEE ME/ HAVE NO CONTACT WITH ME WHATSOEVER/ ARE ASKING BECAUSE YOU NEED TO JUSTIFY YOUR OWN EXISTENCE BY COMPARING IT WITH MY OWN (oh, if we are in contact and are friends and I hear you asked about me, of course I'll be thrilled, heehee, but NOT if we're not friends because WTF, nosy!?), because I will hear about it one day and I will be annoyed and if I see you in person, I may very well do something I'll regret.
Like remind you of your flaws and your skeletons in your closet. Because I know more than I let on, but unlike others, I dont air people's dirty laundry.
Like tell people the truth. Because I know your truths. And now when people ask me about YOU, Everyone And Their Mother, I keep mum. Its not my place.
Like TRIP YOU!
..yeah. Thatlast one was just childish.
But you get the point.
SO STOP IT. GO MAKE YOUR OWN HAPPY AND STOP FEEDING YOUR SOUL WITH MINE.
AND LET ME DREAM OF TINY HOUSES IN MY HEAD, WHILE I WORK ON GETTING THAT BIG ONE IN REALITY.
*HUGS* TOTAL! give wellmaybetomorrow more *HUGS*
Get hugs of your own
I thought that by virtue of being me I was disqualified.
waterfalls.
I cannot believe her family allowed this to be seen. Its not graphic, far from it, and yet thats probably what makes it even more morbid, the utter calmness that surrounds her the few seconds before her death.
For those of you reluctant to watch this, it is disturbing, but it's not
graphic. It's obvious that they edited it right before you'd see the impact of the actual crash but I am sorry if this is in poor taste. Take it up with Left Eye's family, who allowed the airing of this clip.
so whats your heaven?
"At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls. And sometimes…all you need is one." - Peyton Sawyer
On most days, I am a keen believer of carpe diem, of sorts anyway, of taking days and attacking with fervor, and making it beautiful and glorious and meaningful and thus deeming my self worthy of being alive.
And somedays, all I want to do is stay in bed and let the world roll on by.
make a wish/ blow a kiss
Dewey Finn: Ok, here's the deal. I have a hangover. Who knows what that means?
Frankie: Doesn't that mean you're drunk?
Dewey Finn: No. It means I was drunk yesterday.
-School of Rock
I find it hilarious that Calum Best has praised Lindsay Lohan for being dynamite in bed. More information than I ever really needed to know about my favourite former child star, courtesy of Parent Trap, but really, while others may have been fascinated, all I could think was 'ew, the guy kissed and told, what a wuss.'
Though perhaps thats just the inner prude in me surfacing, and yes, I enjoy my 'celebrity gossip' as much as the next person, but really, keep the bedroom antics to yourselves, huh, boys?
But from what i read about Lindsay, she'd probably enjoy the attention, or even have been the source of it, lol.
I love seafood! Yum yum yum. I have had so much seafood over the past week, its such an overload, but Im soooo not against it! Give me my mussels,oysters, prawns, squid, fish and crabs! GIMMME! I just learnt how to eat crabs (shaddap), courtesy of Kriselda, who taught me how to open the legs and get at the yummy meat! I used to like crabs the least of all seafoods, but douse it in kicap or mayo (shaddap again!) or lime or butter and it is just heeaavenly. Almost beats my fave butter prawns and or/ fried groupa in egg white sauce.Almost but not quite...
...ahem. I'm making myself hungry.
In any case,my body clock is seriously effed up, in every which way possible. Years of surviving on no sleep, or very little sleep (which, I suppose could be the reason for my bad skin too, now that I think about it :P), have seriously affected my sleeping patterns. I used to be that girl who could sleep at 6 am, get up at 8 am, get to uni, do everything, get home at 11 pm, stay up longer, nap at 3 am, wake up at 7 am, back to uni, and so on and so forth, then collapsing every two weeks or so and sleeping off my sleep debt by hibernating for a day, no kidding, and then REPEAT CYCLE.
Im not kidding you. This sleeping pattern enabled me to fit in a very full social and academic life, and was probably the reason I survived my daunting course PLUS have time for lots of extracurricular activities such as student advisoring, student council, volunteer work and so on and so forth, plus outings with friends, plus me time all in the span of oh, 48 awake hours, sometimes with an hour or so nap in between. Lol, MAN, I hated sleep back then. Now, you know.
I always equated sleep with being something only bored people did. And now,I hate that I need it!
While my 19 year old self thrived on it, my 21 year old body can't handle it anymore. I get tired more easily, and I HATE TO ADMIT IT, but I need sleep more too, and at proper hours.But years of staying up and not sleeping is hard, and my body clock has primed my body to be at its most active at oh, about the 20th hour awake.Seriously. I used to survive 48 hours awake. Not healthy. Not at all.
And now I'm paying for it. I get so drowsy when I sleep for 8 hours, but alert after 4-5 hours of sleep. Weird, but true.
I'll beat this yet.I have to! I must get my body clock retimed!
..I cant believe I dedicated an almost entire post to my sleeping pattern. It really must be on my freakin mind. :/
she clicks her heels but she's still stuck
Gosh, I was deliriously happy last week with those girls. =)
"Who has never killed an hour?
Not casually or without thought, but carefully: a premeditated murder of minutes.
The violence comes from a combination of giving up, not caring, and a resignation that getting past it is all you can hope to accomplish.
So you kill the hour. You do not work, you do not read, you do not daydream. If you sleep it is not because you need to sleep. And when at last it is over, there is no evidence; no weapon, no blood, and no body.
The only clue might be the shadows beneath your eyes or a terribly thin line near the corner of your mouth indicating something has been suffered, that in the privacy of your life you have lost something and the loss is too empty to share."
- House of Leaves, Mark Z. Danielewski
I have this tendency to kill an hour, with the sleek technique described deliberately above, and if you say you'bve never done it, you are a liar.
Random thoughts this rainy Sunday.
There was an interview with Hanson, yes, HANSON OF MMMBOP AND ANDROGYNOUS LEAD SINGER FAME, on Howard K Stern. I've lost the you tube links, but dear me, I am quite traumatized to have heard Taylor and his porn confessions and the like. o_0
I finally watched Spiderman. Navodi and I started singing the soundtrack to the cartoon, and I was quite amused when Cher asked us if we had made it up. You know! "Spiderman, Spiderman! He can do anything a spider can..."
There is a Buffy COMIC out, for Season 8, because Joss Whedon could not get funding for it as a tv show, I think. I asked the local comic stores and they said, and I quote,"Miss, Buffy is NOT a comic. It is a TV show." -_- OUTDATED SNOOTY BOY!
When friends asked me what I was doing on my last Saturday night and if I wanted to head out, they seemed dumbfounded to know that I was curled up on my bed, having a One Tree Hill/ Greys Anatomy marathon. If you had asked me 3 months or even a year ago, my Saturday nights, or my weekends, are usually filled with heading out, pubbing/clubbing/partyhopping, a drink here or there, dancing a dance or two and awesome company, and always always ending wee in the morning with a meal at a hawkers stall, all night kebab place, or a friend's place.
Its not like I don't have a lack of invitations. But I think I am getting old, and tired of 'The Scene', as they say. At twenty one, I am a little tired of going out and having a jolly good time, and while I normally favor going out, I think the occasional night in beats a wild night sometimes.
Besides, my parents and I have an agreement. I can do my thing, but they really dont have to see me do it. Lol. Its quite a cute arrangement and very liberating, which has allowed me many experiences without guilt.
But perhaps its because I'm done with university. All I've ever known, over the course of the past four years, is university and my life as a student. And how I enjoyed my time as a student! Ah, bliss. And its pretty daunting, that with graduation having come and gone, its the career I have to kickstart next.
While its hard enough deciding on what kind of job I'd *really* like to have, tossing current one aside, and whether or not I should make full use of my current degree or go in a completely new direction, stripped bare from what my parents want, what my peers think I should have, what my mentors advise me to aim for and what i personally want and desire, is the added confusion of the georgraphy of it all. Not only must I contend with what I want to work as, there also lies in the question of where I want to work, and no one can answer that except for me, and I need to make the decisions soon, rather than pushing forward and postponing ticket purchases and document processing any further just because to tell you the truth, with all my bravado aside,while its exciting and thrilling and will test what I'm made of and all that jazz, Im terrified at the prospect.
Which brings us full circle to the quote I've pasted above. As you would have noticed by now, I have a penchant for quotes and I gather them like a pack rat. I feel like I kill my precious hours and I must not continue this anymore.
In lighter news again, my Miri trip was beautiful, and rekindling my ties and sharing beds lol with my Stephanie, my Karan, my Cher, Gen, and my ex housemates, Navodi and Fiona, was very fulfilling indeed. I really could not have asked for more wonderful people on my life, and I am well and truly blessed and priviledged to be able to call these people my friends. I miss them so. And I miss my Shwe, my Gretchel, Melisa! I would not have survived Curtin without these angels. There were not enough hours in the day for me to do everything I wanted to do and say everything I wanted to say, and not even enough time to chill and get pictures with some bloggers, Irene, Wani, Nadia, Kim and Kenin in particular! Ing Hui, I will chase you down for those photos with you. ;)
when all you know gets left behind
When everything you have goes away
You realize that nothing means a thing
Everything you thought was a big deal
Now you see it all and what is real
When all you have just falls apart
And nothing seems to work out right
And you’re trying
You’re still alright
When everything starts to feel the same
And everyone around you seems to change
You went along with me when things weren’t right
And when the morning slowly fades to night
When all you have just falls apart
And nothing seems to work out right
And you’re trying
You’re still alright
Yeah youre still alright
Yeah youre still alright
And youre still alright.
*Lyrics from Still Alright- Adam Mirren/Merrin
no one's a virgin. life screws us all
If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are, you’ll fall into someone else’s plan. And guess what they have planned for you?
Not Much.
–Jim Rohn
I've had the same phone, a quaint Motorola c350, since I started my first year in Curtin. I broke its predecessor by accidentally leaning on its screen with my elbow, otherwise I probably would still have that phone, a Motorola c330, till today too. The reasoning Ive always had is, why ger a new phone that has alll nifty features when I could have a proper camera, proper mp3 player and so on? Plus, Im absurdly sentimental bout a few things in my life, and while I can chuck away most things, my phone wasnt one of them.
It was my faithful companion over the years for many memorable and even unmemorable events in my life. Lol.
Till it died!!THE NEXT DAY!
There I was, confidentally telling all th friends who expressed disbelief that I still had the same phone, lol, that my phone was the bomb and would never break down on me, it was awesome etc etc...
To have to NOT EVEN WANT TO TURN ON THE NEXT DAY.
DAMN IT! The night I praised it to its fullest was the night it decided AHAHAHAMUWAHAHAHAHAH, she praised me! FINALLY! I CAN DIE PEACEFULLY.
AND IT DID! DIE! WAH!
In the middle of my Miri stint! Which left me phoneless, so I couldt contact lots of people whose numbers I had saved to the phone, not the sim card. This is my reason for not contacting a whole lot of you :(
It was pretty surreal, though, being back in Miri and at uni and Miri town and everyones houses and bunking over. Man oh man, I wish I didnt have to leave so soon!
But overall, I met the people I wanted to meet, even bloggers! But darn I didnt have my cam with me at that point.
I took lots of pictures. It was very bittersweet, and if blogger wasnt being such a bitch, you'd all get to see them now too-_-
For the now, I must sleep. I really am very tired.
a lover's quarrel with the world
That was quite fun, mostly because it was about me. You all should try it out, its pretty fun and if u concentrate a little, maybe will shedsome light on yourself for you. Or ya know, just enjoy the pretty pictures.
"Some people, me included, believe that punk is just the most recent manifestation of this, this spirit, this feeling, you know, that things aren't right and that in fact things are so wrong that the only thing we can do is to say Fuck It, over and over again, really loud, until someone stops us." -from the book The Time Traveler's Wife
I'm not a very big fan of punk at all, but I liked the quote above.
Neither am I very angry with the world, on the contrary, Im usually so at bliss with it despite many many things Ive been told over and over again by different people I should be questioning and be angry about, but Im so at bliss that I wonder myself sometimes if I had an overdose of the happy drugz when I was a kid.
I travel down to Miri in a few days, for I deferred my graduation ceremony there. When I was deciding where to graduate, it was pretty tempting to pick Perth or Sydney, or Singapore or heck, even the Hong Kong campus, because, hey, why the hell not? Its just a ceremony, after all, I just walk down the frickin stage. But I decided that I started in Miri. I may as well end my uni life as I know it there too.
Besides, its the perfect excuse to have a mini reunion,and surviving in Miri wouldnt have been possible without the people Im about to say hello and goodbye to this week. Its been shweet.
He thinks Im the tomato sauce in every dish. Aw. Okay, it sounds funky, but I thought, at the time, it was cute :P
Anyway, I think I have trichotillomania. Damn it.
the twinge of what should be
“When you finally go back to your old hometown, you find it wasn't the old home you missed but your childhood” Sam Ewing
Lamest Reply To a Cute Guy Asking Me IF I DRIVE How I'm Going Home And DO I NEED A RIDE?
"Oh, dont worry, my dad's coming to pick me up any minute now."
DUMB, IZZAH, DUMB! ACCEPT RIDE NEXT TIME OFFERED, OKAY!?!
Dumb!
So, I zoom back to Brunei every now and again, but its not my home anymore.
My older brother works there, with my sister in law, my uncle and my cousin in laws husband. My younger brother still gets his teeth done there, and the car we use is under a Brunei permit, which needs renewing every few months so hence, the parents make a trip down there every month or so, and I tag along often, or at least, twice since I've arrived back.
But wow, how it doesnt feel like home anymore.
I mean, you'd think it would. You really think it would, what with me having spent a good 15 years or my formative life in Brunei, from kindy to primary to secondary school. Heck, I first started studying in Brunei. I hit puberty and learned to read and write and even discovered alcohol and dancing in Brunei. Ive made some of my most unforgettable friends in Brunei, friends I am in touch with and cherish to this day. I started'hanging out' in Brunei. I received my religious education and formed my spiritual back bone in Brunei, I spent a LONG TIME in Brunei, so you would think visiting Brunei would hit me hard whenever I went to it.
But no.
It hits me the other extreme actually. It hits me so soft that I dont feel anything but almost numbness when I'm in Brunei, other than the twinge of aw, thats where I used to hang out.
Which should be ridiculous, right? Since thats where I grew up.
Then that quote hit me.
And I guess what I miss isnt the place. Its my childhood more than anything that I miss.
I don't think I want to go back to being a child though. As lame as it sounds, Im really pretty much all geared up to be the best adult I can be.
But I believe a little bout of nostalgia is okay,now and again.
..even if the child in me wants to bust out with bubble gum and matching mickey mouse shorts and shirt and barbie dolls, looking for those yummy wafer sticks and captain planet episodes.