The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good

Writing is not psychology. We do not talk "about" feelings. Instead, the writer feels and through her words awakens these feelings in the reader.

-Natalie Goldberg

People say I make a good emcee.

But to be honest, I think its just because I have really thick skin and am good about letting humiliation and embarassment slide off my shoulders.

Years and years of practice by way of an extremely awkward adolescence can do that to a person.

Oh, and also because its completely by default that theres no one else available/willing.

Im not really a good emcee. Or maybe I just say that because my interest has not always been there. I've always been better behind the scenes and writing, directing, producing, choreographing. I'm not much for being up in front of an audience but my ability to get over my miniscule shyness helps overcome that. There are others with shyness even worse than mine, and while its hard to believe I have a tendency towards shyness, believe it. I just have a lot of courage (or some would call it stupidity) and I'm always up for risks. I figure, nothing ventured nothing gained, and nothing would be accomplished if we were all hiding behind the shadows and unwilling to take a stand on things.

And I take a stand on things. Not necessarily things that need to be taken a stand in, but things I feel should be. Even if theyre not seen as things to be taken a stand in by the majority, I voice it out. And if I was wrong, then, okay, I was wrong.

But if I was right, the 'trouble' would be worth it.

Otherwise well, I dont. And pandora boxes arent opened and nothings resolved.

Which shows you perhaps that my tongue gets me into trouble more often than I realise.

But there are perhaps worse things to be 'in trouble' for.

It was possible that a miracle wasn't something that happened to you, but rather something that didn't.

21 things to live by:
ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you getolder, their conversational skills will be as important as anyother.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleepall you want.
FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.SIX.
Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don'twant to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self;Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

- unknown

It was truly a sign of her loyalty to our friendship that she did not completely mock me for forgetting to bring work pants when I slept over two nights ago and ended up having to have her drive me to my place in a formal top and pajama bottoms so I could change properly for work.

Though she did giggle a little. But I guess thats allowed, given the hilarious sight of me =)

Its a sign of my housemate's patience that on the morning we both woke up late for work, she rushed herself unneccesarily for me to reach work early.

And I did.

It was also another sign of his friendship that he could tolerate such a tantrum and vent from me without thinking any less of me.

He even paid for my mango sunrise and everyone knows he hates paying if he doesnt have to =)

It was a sign of my parents infinite patience with us that they agreed to watch High School Music 3 last night. It was the 'premiere' (ooohh...aahhhh :) ) in Brunei. The cinema was packed with families and teenagers alike last night. Hilarious. My mom swore she was the oldest in queue haha.

While my brothers and sister in law and I cracked up, my parents were confused at the random teenagers bursting into song.

But they enjoyed themselves anyway.

Its the little things in life, sometimes, that matter.

Nothing very very good and nothing very very bad ever lasts for very very long

"Sometimes I think the people to feel saddest for are people who once knew what profoundness was, but who lost or became numb to the sensation of wonder—people who closed the doors that lead us into the secret world—or who had the doors closed for them by time and neglect and decisions made in times of weakness."

- Douglas Coupland

I've had it up to here today.

Decision making time, unfortunately, starts now.

restlessness is me, you see/ its hard to be safe/ and difficult to be happy

"and god help you if you are an ugly girl

course too pretty is also your doom

cause everyone harbors a secret hatred

for the prettiest girl in the room

and god help you if you are a phoenix and

you dare to rise up from the ash

a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy

while you are just flying back"

-Ani Difranco

I was asked today,in another so called milestone in my life, to be a godmother for someones confirmation. Me.

I've never been asked before, to be honest, and I will be honored to be this teenager's godmother.

*

It was the birthday of two special ladies recently. A bunch of us celebrated their turning of a year older by a party for one and road trip turned crazy fun night out for the other. Now I admit that I had more than my share of fun on these two occasions and I hope that amidst the silliness, the anxieties, the franticness, the hype and the love, oh the love, I really hope they did too.

Happy birthday, C. Happy birthday, H.

*

Recently, I finally made concrete plans to meet up with two of the girls who made up a quadruplet of my friendship circle in secondary school. Its been really amazing closing the gap on what has been literally 5 years away from each other and we're trying to fill in the blanks on what has happened in our lives since the days of graduating from the old alma mater of St. Georges School.

A lot has happened. Seriously. A lot has happened.

But when we meet, when we look at each other and the old inside jokes just come pouring out and the walls just break down, its like we're 16 again and uni hasnt happened.

We dont know how long we have together again, because as always, lives will shift.

But for now. Just for now, we are basking in the safety net of each other and wondering why the hell we let each other go, and yet at the same time, glorifying the fact that even though 5 years has passed, its like time stood still for our friendship and yet, its really a whole other level.

Thanks, E. Thanks, A.

*

Chyler Leigh is an actress on Greys anatomy and played the lead in the spoof Not Another Teen Movie.

I always thought she was great.

Until I found a video of her at 15 kissing her real life brother for a movie. And not just a lip to lip quick 3 second one either. This was a full on kiss, twice, in the same movie (Kickboxing Academy). Was the director crazy or the casting director blind or the siblings not close enough to care or worse, too close to care? Seriously. Thats just nasty.

And if you dont agree, you be the judge:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYO2OdAI3H4

I hope thats right link. Anyway. Just google it.

Its so traumatising for me, but I wonder if any of you think I'm being silly. Its just so wrong, is all.

*

I've read Nicholas Sparks other works but never A Walk To Remember.

I just read the book.

And Im perturbed because its just so different. I mean, the basic elements are there. But the main criteria, that walk to remember? When i watched the movie, I thought it was the walk of their lives together or something.

But it was her walk down the aisle that the author meant. Her walk because by then she was sick, so sick.

And he was so not a bad boy who nearly got someone killed.

And she never asks to be at two places at once.

And he was really rich and his parents were together.

And she doesnt ever say,"I dont need a reason to be angry with God."

Blink.

Color me surprised. The parts of the movie I adored were never part of the book to begin with.

Then again, with my attention span being what it is and my speed reading being what it is..maybe I missed those parts.

Though I suppose I can just enjoy a walk to remember, the movie, and a walk to remember, the book, as two separate perspectives of the same fictional events...

*

Too quickly the months have rolled over and a solid year has passed since I returned to the country of my indulgent happy childhood and my awkward serene adolescence.

I have lived a hundred and one lives since then, and when I remember the person I was then, I realize with shock every time that its only really been 5 years.

I thought I had made the right decision then. But lately, more and more frequently lately, not a day passes when I re-question my decision to return.

On one hand, lately, it feels like this place is the representation of a life I should have left behind long ago and not fought so hard to keep.

And on the other hand, it represents a place of second chances and opportunity and I count my blessings every day, blessings of which they are not few.

And so I must live with what I chose.

Suck it up, self. Suck it the eff up.

For there are blessings among the thorns and life is too beautiful not to be amused at everything thats thrown our way.

We ask God to forgive us for our evil thoughts and evil temper, but rarely, if ever ask Him to forgive us for our sadness

Remember, we all stumble, every one of us.

That's why it's a comfort to go hand in hand.

-Emily Kimbrough

Since I read about Veronica's escapades shopping when I was all of 9, I thought credit cards worked like magic money. I got older and realised, no, it didnt really work that way. But I always wanted one anyway. Not that Id ever get one from my parents but I wanted to get one for my emergencies, my just in cases, my online purchases, etc, you know?

And now I have two!

Ahem, okay, I know, I do realise it sounds a bit overboard going from cautious zero to wtf two. Its mostly because I am not sure if the places I frequent accept visa or mastercard so Im carrying both on trial.

And theyre pretty!

...even if it does amputate my name and rename me as Maria Izzah R F T.

I have a long name, bank. I get it.

But yeah. I havent used it yet. I scared. :D

In other news, I have been bumping into old high school friends lately. Particularly two of the three girls I was sublimely close to in high school but we drifted apart for whatever reason under the sun. Anyway, I was hesitant about meeting up again....

I worried we wouldnt click.

We wouldnt be able to talk.

...and who am I kidding?

I really shouldnt have worried at all.