There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Then are dreamt of in your philosophy.

Be not too hasty to trust or admire the teachers of morality; they discourse like angels, but they live like men.

Dr. Samuel Johnson

I fretted yesterday because I fell asleep while you were on the phone telling me about your day.

I panicked a little because you didn't reply to my apologetic texts the next day.

I wanted to kill you when you called later and told me your phone battery died and I had wasted my time worrying about nothing at all and you were and are still there.

I love how youre always there and I hope you never ever stop being there.

You're a good part of my life and it really really is horrible how youre so far away.

Easter has come and gone, and work has been challenging but whee at some aspects! There may or may not be a new addition to the Tiama family, which is in itself exciting. What passes for my love life is sweet when it has to be and bitter at the distance and in disbelief at being requited. Every now and again, I get surprised by a much welcomed text, call, email, what have you and they make my day.

I enjoy my prayer life and my service to my local church though it of course has its time constraints since I am working full time too so I can't really give my all. I love being able to help the family but I keep getting told repeatedly that I need to draw a line on when my familial obligations start and my obligations to myself begin.

But anyone who loves their family will admit thats easier said than done and for now, I really cant be fucked distinguishing the line. sincere.

"HOW ARE YOU!?" asked the umpteenth stranger, and before I can reply, he or she has already swept by without even hearing my answer. They pause to ask, but don't pause long enough to know the reply.

"How are you?!" asked the friend, and before I can reply, he has started telling me exactly how he is doing instead. And when he's done venting or gloating, he forgets to wait for my answer. Which of course won't come.

"How are you!" she asked, and I tell her, but I don't think my words really sink in. I think my words are making as much an impact to her as the air between us and I could have been telling her the weather forecast for all the attention she then paid my remarks.

"How are you?" she asked, and when I tell her, she can't accept that I may not be doing fine. And she twists my words to fit her stance on how I really am, and then proceeds to tell me exactly how she feels I am really feeling.

"How are you?" he asked and he can't accept I'm doing well. He picks a flaw in my spill of good news and he finds the weakest point and attacks. He doesnt want to know how come I'm faring better than he is.

And then there are the people who don't need to ask how I am, and with just one look at me, can tell exactly how I am feeling. Words are superfluous.

Words, for once, are not needed.

Words, for once, are unimportant.

You don't need to pretend, you know? If you really wanted to know how I am, or how another is, you wouldnt ask in passing or ask for the sake of having something to say. Those who have already been told don't need to ask and those who have to ask to be told should consider there must be a reason they weren't told in the first place. If you never trusted me before, trust me on that.

There needs to be a new greeting invented, because "HOW ARE YOU" is quite tedious to my ears and lately I find myself brushing off anyone who asks.

So, if you suddenly ask me, and I brush you off, its not me being mean, its me saving us the awkwardness of you not really caring how I am. Let's skip that and get right on to whatever we were supposed to be doing.

We are all selfish creatures, myself included. Lets not be pretentious as well.

But incidentally?

I'm tired, of course. My skin is stressed, my hair is often or not in a lazy ponytail and sometimes I forget to iron a shirt. My groceries are still getting to their expiry date faster than I can decide to use them and I still can't cook or drive. I miss my family, of course. I miss you and you and you. My heart has aches from where you are all supposed to fit in my life, from where you are supposed to be.

But other than that...

Happily and for the now and for all that it matters...

I am all good, thank you very much.

Someone said to Voltaire, "Life is hard." Voltaire replied, "Compared to what?"

We all have masks that we hide behind. People that don't know how to show emotions make masks up for different people in different situations in their life. The question is how do you cure it? How do you become yourself? Is there a cure for mankind?



Disease: covering your emotions-afraid to be yourself



Cure: get rid of the masks, get rid of the fear



-Ravena



I watched A Good Year earlier this evening. It was much better than I thought it would be and Russel Crowe is so versatile and Marion Cotillard is beautiful. "Pardon my lips, they find joy in unusual places''is corny even coming from Russel but when taken into the context of the story and taking into account the two childrens presumed first kisses, it was so sweet.



Movie lines are so corny though. You could hardly ever imagine using them in real life.

I am very tired and very thankful for the two days off work.

Perhaps I can finally read a book again.

and by protecting my heart truly/ i got lost in the sounds I hear in my mind

The best moments in reading are when you come across something - a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things - that you'd thought special, particular to you. And here it is, set down by someone else, a person you've never met, maybe even someone long dead. And it's as if a hand has come out, and taken yours.
The History Boys

"You must be Catholic."

Its a strange label to put someone in a box according to religion. But while Ive been noted as Catholic previously, I have never been called that in an admiring tone before. Its more like "oh, you don't support abortion.You must be Catholic" "Omg youre going home after clubbing to go straightto church on Sunday? You must be Catholic." You know.

This time though, ths was told to me twice in the past week, by two separate people, in two separate contexts. One was a by a guy who noticed the bruises on my knee and shin (I think due to excessive kneeling brought about by this holy time of the Church calendar) and said so, and a colleague who said she felt joy emanating from me (okay, she said it less articulately but that was the gist of what she meant.) even when she knew I was having an overload of work and she as a Muslim found it especially refreshing to speak openly about our separate religions and faith. I respect other religions and beliefs, as long as you respect mine as well.

I liked being told that, in any case, especially now when Im striving hard to be a better Catholic.

So, on occasion I indulge or, thanks to my friends, get indulged, to massages and the like, but I have never ever thought of trying a body scrub at the spa. It just sounds...painful. But you know, mostly because I didnt pay for it, it was good. I felt totally light and four times cleaner afterward, though. But I think for the same price Id just get a massage any day.

Its a running joke among my closest of the close friends that I could care less about having the newest phone, or in fact, even a phone that has features beyond the essential calling and texting functions. Cher even made me laugh when she commented that I made her look phone obssessed, when even she isnt in comparison to our counterparts. Karan in 2007 lamented over the fact that I still had the same phone I left Miri in 2006 with (which at that point I had it for 2 years already.) I think Stephanie uh..didnt care. Hee. I really didnt even had a mourning session when my faithful phone died in May oflast year and JUST WOULDNT TURN ON. It died :(

I replaced it with a minimal upgrade, so the perks of non polyphonic ringtones, the wowness of internet 24/7 at the push of a button, being cam ready and so on ad so forth were totally lost on me until very recently, with my baby brother exchanging phones with me. Its...complicated. I don't think,if I had to pay for it, that I would actually ever spend so much on a phone. Its appalling when there are so many other things that that money could be used for. But the geek in me is just a little *squee* at the things this one can do. But yeah. Me and technologically advanced phones dont click.

Embarassing moment came when Cher asked me what model it was.I had no idea. I was searching the net looking for similar models, asking around etc etc. And when she said,"Remove the battery, you'll see the model at the back."

Its like..DUH. Insert anime sweat right about..

here.

Im currently having Hellogoodbye and Regina Spektor on my repeats. Check them out. Try 'Here In Your Arms" by the previous and 'On The Radio' by the latter.

I heard a song on the radio the other day that was so similar to a swedish version I loved back in Perth. It was about a female bot and the singer thought she was a bot then he found out she was a girl ..anyway, it doenst matter, now its english and called "Now Youre Gone' (I think) and its totally not as funny! :( Basshunter, how could you?

Total gift, I think we may get two days off work this week. *hopes* I crave rest.

I am trying to give up meat for Holy Week. Its..harder than it sounds, Im a total chicken eater :(

Also, I hate animals. You know this, right?

I dont croon over cute dogs or cats. I never visit the zoo. I never pet pets. Ill take pictures with them because I look adorable besie

But it struck me today that most people, not all, but most? They like animals. For some reason. Maybe..Perhaps I just never had the opportunity to like animals growing up. In any case, Ive decided if I ever get a pet, like Im sure my future husband or child or whatever will catch me a weak moment and i falter and agree?

Im naming it Tobias if its male.

I should sleep now. Im stressed at work and dont get enough rest as it is.

I am finally not home alone anymore. I don't feel like Macaulay Culkin anymore! I can come home and not worry about things that may or may not go bump inthe night. Theres been a switch of housemates and rooms. But on the whole, Im happier with this new living arrangement. No longer will I prolong going out because I dont want to be home alone(not really, I just have to be home earlier now because its courtesy. And I tire easier lately).

So you also know how Im not very good at keeping house, yeah? I knew I had to clean the apartment before the main housemate returned. So I uh, paid to get it cleaned.

I totally would have convinced her it was *me* who did the cleaning but the place sparkled and she knew the most I could do was make it glow :P

Also, she is much older so she takes care of her health loads and has all this nifty health gadgets and tips and such, and she has a blood pressure monitor thing. So found out I have insanely low blood pressure. But I guess 100/61 is okay.

Right?

I should google that and find out one day.

The willow knows what the storm does not. That the power to endure harm outlives the power to inflict it

"I get cross, then sad, and finally end up turning my heart inside out, the bad part on the outside and the good part on the inside, and keep trying to find a way to become what I’d like to be and what I could be if . . . if only there were no other people in the world."

-Anne Frank, final entry in her dairy.

I once believed I could live quite happily isolated from human contact, with only books and Jack Daniels keeping me company. There are so many people afficting suffering on others, too many people who relish in the misery of others, and there are even many more apathetic about the entire situation. It gets me down, and I wont pretend it doesnt.

But then there are the quality ones who remind me the human race is not that bad, and with their simple random drunken text, quick call, email, and yes, that human touch, Im reminded once again that not the entire human race is at fault, and perhaps I am the one at fault for not giving it another chance.

Theres a community I frequent at church, and Im learning loads from the teachings, the people. And I suppose Im learning to be a better person. Im striving to be, in any case.

Its such an uphill climb. But I havent risen my white flag yet.

And so another day goes on and I put the book down, wash my glass and breathe the fresh air outside. And thanks to those few, my life goes on beyond the four corners of my room.

Speaking of my room, my parents visited over the last weekend, and I think my mother had a sharp intake of breath at my messy room. I told her there is a method to my disorganized ways and know where everything is in the socalled disorganization, but did she listen? Nooo. She cleaned everything and now I cant find my glasses..or was that missing even before? She then said my fridge was cute but lacked groceries, and I showed her my nutella, juice, milk, magnums and (tried to hide but didnt manage to) vodka and cereal and did she appreciate my efforts? Nooo.

Im kidding, Im hopeless at keeping house. I pity future husbands. Er, husband. Singular.

February came and went. This February sped right by me and it consisted of pearly shells, a sweet valentine 'date', saying goodbye to a colleague, discovering RBC's marvelous seafood buffet, dealing with the end of what could have been a draining relationship, lion dances, red packets and learning how to make sushi (but probably will never again) and happily, a Miri excursion. It almost didnt happen, but it did, and Im thankful for the people who made it happen! It was especially beautiful to see Ankita all grown up and my baby girl, Stephanie and tight friend, Karan. Oh how we laughed, and how we were 'us', all over again. It was like I had never left.

And sometimes oh sometimes, I wish our bubbled up world had never been pricked.

Responsibilities have rolled into my life, as they have in others, and everywhere I turn, theres a responsibility waiting to be dealt with. I fill my world with work and church and a semblance of what passes for a social life in this dry country, but it just never seems to be far off, the shouldering of responsibility. It follows my every glance and move. And I'd be selfish to try and shake it off.

But every once in a while, through the trials and the struggles...

I see my parents, my father of whom has been diagnosed as diabetic,which prettymuch explains his fit in November, and theyre healthy and my brothers and theyre well, and my immediate relatives and we're okay.

And if I was irresponsible, I really couldnt look them in the eye. Nor help them out like I am.

Even if it means I can't (okay, i COULD but I WOULDNT) buy that new skirt.

Whats material anyway?

Oh well, next month.

In other news, One Tree Hill season 5 , Agatha Christie books and Buffy season 8 (in comics) are my current go to for entertainment. Im trying to get back to my chick lit but romance makes me all nostalgic right now and Agatha Christie's whodunnits (my fave thus far is And Then There Were None) are as far from the genre as can be.

And here I go, going back to my books again, right back where this entry started.

But concluding that being isolated from human contact is really not the way to go.

Cheers.