Everybody's got a story they can tell…you know you're not the only one counting on a quarter in a wishing well

It's a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies.


The only variable is about what.


The weird thing about telling someone they're dying is it tends to focus their priorities.


You find out what matters to them.


What they're willing to die for.


What they're willing to lie for.


-House

I used to be a lady who lunched. You know the type. Leave office for that precious lunch hour to eat, catch up with friends. But I've accepted that I will never be the type that can eat three meals a day and not expect to gain weight, so I have to cut back on that precious lunch and drink or snack on something not calorie laden instead. I really should start exercising again.

I have this thing where I need a massage every now and again because the muscles in my upper back tend to tense up due to a variety of reasons but mostly, I think anyway, due to stress and due to my bad posture. Anyways, long story short I finally got a massage this weekend and now I feel like I can face the world.

Ah, its the little things in life.

Often I wonder very very strongly if I chose the right path career wise because its a wildly known notion that Ive always had an affinity for writing and talking,more so than digit casting and counting. You know what I mean. I have the degree. I am using it. But very often I wonder...

Well. You know.

I had a stressful week last week. Lets just say everything happened at once,and the worst part was my parents (who are now retired and visit me on a regularly basis, because as they put it,
"we're bored! we want to come see our kids!"haha) had JUST left JUST when I needed them. I know theyre getting older and we are going to have a role reversal soon, as the transition is inevitable as I get older myself...but sometimes all it takes is my mothers hug and my father's blessing to know that I can make it.

And that day, they had just left. Things happened.I was very upset and I could not bear to see anyone. It was not a good day for me.

I was very sad.

Lo and behold, I get talking to him on msn, not really telling him anything, and he sends me the picture below:

Its his cologne shelf. You know, the type on display in a typical room, for all to see. I was quite annoyed as he showed me his cologne shelf, and I see the Diesel Fuel for Life she gave him, the Acqua another chose for him and euphoria yet another chose for him. I felt, yeah, rub it in, Im thousands of miles away, I get it. I get that Im not nearly near enough to be able to smell you and tell you what scent is perfect for whatever occasion is happening. And I get that youre moving on without me in your life and dont need my opinions on things like scents.

But of course I never say anything of the sort to him out loud. I respond instead to wow, they have good taste.

And we talk some more until finally he asks me if I really looked at the shelf.

And I said yes.

And he asked then if I had looked at the top left.

And I see.

I see the cheap in comparison to perfumes even if its by Hallmark cheesey chocolates on teh cover with mmm lettering card I bought for him when I was in Sydney, scribbled something nonsensical on and sent off by post to get to him fast since it was domestic and all. I see it poised on his shelf along with the expensive perfumes, my cheapass card that contained seriously sweet things that were almost scary but he admitted he forgave me for since I was a girl. And no, before I asked, he did not put the card there just for the photo, it really is there :P Aw.

He really is great and though he doesnt speak his mind much, he's one of those guys whos actions speak louder than any thing he could have said.

And just like that, I was uplifted. My problems were not solved of course. They exist. But its nice to know someone thinks of you. That youre a person worth having things youve given displayed. That you matter to someone beyond the family, because lets face it, family is family, but they HAVE to love you (hehe).

Its just..I have so few left who are geographically near. Its nice feeling unobligated love.

And just like that, I know I can make it another week this week.

I was addicted to saying things and having them matter to someone

I hope that you are a disaster.

I'm sorry, but I do.

I hope that you are thunder and lightning.

I hope you are a forest fire, I hope you kill the dead wood and burn off the rotting leaves.

With the canopy gone, the sun can get in. You need new growth.

I hope you're terrible and broken and perfect.

-unknown

Its hard to speak about your first anything, be it first sexual experience, first job promotion, first tragic incident in your life, because if its the first,its so personal, and for another,there are no words that can be used to describe anyones first time at anything similarly.

Earlier this month, someone asked me about my first kiss.

My first 'kiss' was in the old choir section of the unairconditioned church I frequent now. I was in a big yellow baggy shirt and my horrendous red pants. I had glasses and my hair was a ponytailed frizzy mess and he kissed me all the same.

Of course, I define 'kiss' as lip to skin contact and a kiss on the cheek but I was 11, and at 11, it was my first contact with a guy who was not my an immediate family member and of course, being 11, at the time, for me it was bigger than what it was.

Now, my first 'real' kiss was of course more tentative then that, and up till this day, I am amazed at the indulgences of youth. I talk as if Im past my youth, haha. Often I feel I am, in comparison to the quick quick quick lives of the youth nowadays. I swear they know more about life by 15 then I did at that age.

So when this young child asked me, I -who can ramble on about anythin and everything, I was blustery and stutterring and all, "YOULL EXPERIENCE IT YOURSELF ONE DAY!"

And they should wait, you know. Nothing like that first kiss. Even before the things that come after, that first kiss encapsulates the entirety of your adolescence and awakens you to experience things beyond the safety net of childhood. Its dangerous. Its exciting. It opens the doors to an infinite number of possible experiences that only you alone can draw the line for your own limits are.

But its infinitely special, and I did tell that young child, that beautiful girl of15, that if she could wait a little bit longer, to kiss someone she really liked instead of just kissing for the opportunity to say youve done it, wait to kiss someone who liked you back and not someone who just wanted a cheap thrill, if she could wait till then, it showed willpower and the strength to go on in life not just settling for any ordinary thing, not just a kiss, I was trying to imply if she could wait for a kiss,she could wait and build the patience and grace to wait and achieve other things.

She nodded.

But I believe half of what I said went in one ear and out the other and the other half,she didnt understand.

Or she didnt want to.

We have all made errors in judgement. I have always thought that if I could take back my first kiss, I would.

Thinking aboutit now, however...no, no I would not. I would do it all over again the same way.

He is not special to me now.

But he really was then.

Moving on some.. yeah, how would you describe your first kiss?

As much as I love to write, I can't describe it.

I think if you talk too much about something, it belittles its importance.

So I suppose thats life milestone Ill keep to myself.

And yes, I would like more. ;)

Every woman should know that her childhood my not have been perfect but its over.

"It's hard to be the one always waiting. I mean, there's something to be said for the hero who charges off to battle, but when you get right down to it there's a whole story in who's left behind."

-My Sister's Keeper - Jodi Picoult

I am not a constant girl.


There are girls who are naturals at constantly jumping from relationships to relationships. I've never been one of those girls.Im more of tw0 extremes,either Im in a relationship for a long time or Im in a dry spell for ages. Ill have a relationship,it will end, and Ill never speak to the guy again. I have had a fling here and there but nothing serious will erupt from it and Ill never speak to the guy again.

At least thats one constant. Not speaking again.

There are girls who live in the same country their entire lives. I lately havent been one of those girls. I switch homes every year, and as I type, am now living in my no joke, tenth bedroom in the span of four years. So I never really spend time decorating my bedroom because I know Ill move again any time.

There are girls whose periods are like clockwork. I've never been one of those girls. My periods are deranged and always leave me guessing as to when they will arrive, and Ill only know when five days before (seriously, this is the ONLY constant), Ill have a numbing pain on my right upper thigh, which I suppose is my bodys own unique version of pre menstrual symptom.

I think you get the point I'm trying to make.

Be it circumstances, be it my own life choices, every year for the past few years since I left high school, my life has been nothing but inconsistency.

I guess others would call that change.

I think at some point in my life, I will crave constant.

ButI havent reached that point yet.