sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in

The whole world, myself included, seem to have one thing in common
we're just a crowd of people who don't really fit in anywhere
attempting to convince one another
that we do.
- Andrew McMahon

I close my eyes and I remember.

Its not one face, its more than one, its a countless number of faces that have blessed my life, walked in for a second, never knowing that we'd perhaps not meet again. I clutch at the memories and I am filled with nostalgia...

I miss my friends and I often wonder, were we to meet again, would it be just as good?

You and I, we felt like we had forever, but in reality, we only had each for a few short months each calendar year. Those months had days where I hardly ever saw you, and you hardly ever saw me, but when we sought each other out, when we finally missed the need of each other, when we met again, it would be pure euphoria..

I remember the day you taught me about the perils of tequila and a hot stranger, when you would coax me to go out in the middle of the night doing who knew what who knew where, the days we studied till dawn, stayed up talking about everything under the sun, taking care of each other when we knew the other needed it, and no, we never were corny to admit to anyone but each other that we enjoyed those soaps and that boy band(but we did).

When darkness turned into light, we'd blink at realising we really had talked all night.

Oh, and the nights and how used to do nothing at all. Im a control freak and its often hard for me to just fo with the flow, but you with your charm, and you with your air of fun, you took my hand and taught me to let go.

Rushing to the bus, our hair still drenched from the shower and using the Curtin bus air conditioners as quasi blowdryers. Actually coaxing me to do Niah, and that horribly funny yet memorable pit stop by those police.

Overwhelming me with your love.

We had a really bad so called 'ball', it ended far too early. We four ended up in her room and we were still dressed in our finery, the dresses we had made or had bough especially for the disappointment of a 'ball', where we hardly ever danced enough. Then you reached out and turned on the music, and we forgot we werent in a grand ball room and we let go and oh, how we danced.

When you used to wake me up to attend mass! Ah!

When you used to teach me to stand up and believe. In God, in me. And in you.

Oh and that other ball you took me to, where every one's date gave them their jackets but you didnt even offer yours. You gave me my first ever corsage though and days later when i mentioned the cold that evening, you did have that shame to admit you were too drunk to realise.

That time you watched Buffy for ages with me. And only admitting after like the twelfth episode tat you didnt really enjoy it but watched with me anyway.

Those countless movies we'd watch.

Would it be just as good?

The times I needed someone. And you showed up. Not knowing how very very welcome you really were.

You who convinced me of so many things.

Remember walking around the lake, drenched in rain water, singing "Heaven"? Remember when you made all your family members give me presents because you knew I had no family around last Christmas? Remember when you visited Perth and remembered me? Remember when we were in Kota Kinabalu and we did nothing but take pictures?

Actually, I often do nothing but take photos.

Those nights we'd go out purely to dance.

That unbelievable time I actually played soccer because of you!

Often, we had nothing to do. Very often, we sat in silences, content in each other's prescences. The support was there, the love was unfathomable, the fact that soon soon soon we would be without the other never near our minds.


I spent days at your place, and you let me. You welcomed me in your home and I cherished the welcome mat. Your sisters look nothing like you, except for your youngest. You are my baby girl, and I adore you.

And now that we're not near each other, every small gesture, every small memory that reminds me of you all, I grasp at it, for I know that very soon, I shall make new memories. And you will too. I wonder if I have already slipped from your mind.


2007 is almost over, and I have been alive for over two decades, but it has only been the past few years where I really felt alive.

So, for a moment, I choose to forget that you and you and you and I have moved on with our lives, and that you are all over there and I am over here. I choose to forget that you will not be with me when I turn twenty two, and that I was not there when you and you and you turned another year older. Your important moments, my important moments, spent and recounted in telephone conversations, in texts, in emails, on webcams, on voice chats, in IMs.



Its not the same. I miss you all too much.



I am making new friends, and you all are too.



Because thats how it works, life goes on.

If we could go back, I would. I would change nothing. I regret nothing. And I thank you for everything. You know what I am thankful for.

This entry is a mesh of my angels.

I clutch at the memories because they are all I have.

If I see you again, and you and you and you and you...I pray we will have as much fun, and that it would be just as good, for you who influenced me, who made me feel beautiful, who cherished me and who for in one moment that felt like infinity but it was really only a moment, cemented your place in my heart.

To steal from a famous poet, I carry you in my heart. And I hope 2008 will be grand and include even a few minutes with you all again.

Because I know it would be just as good.

listen to the music and come dance with me/ its your right to be loved loved loved.

To go against the dominant thinking of your friends, of most of the people you see every day, is perhaps the most difficult act of heroism you can perform.~ Theodore H. White

Today is my mother's mother's one year death anniversary. I miss you, Lola Andeng and I pray youre up there dancing with the angels as we go about our lives.

I don't know anything much about politics. I mean, frankly, I could care less, but I can carry on
a conversation in regards to how I feel about the Philippine government or the American one. But the political system that made me look up was the recent campaign of Benazir Bhutto. Being a woman, for one thing, and for her courage to step up and try again.

And she was just assassinated. Shot in the head and neck.

This world is getting to be such a dark place.

Can't you feel it? Taking the 'man-made' ones like child prostitution and wars and racism and AIDS and terrorism out of the picture, there's just a scary number of natural one's like global warming, the melting of the ice caps, predicted floods, El Nino, tsunamis, earthquakes..all taking place in recent years, and you gotta wonder if its not the Earth's rage building up against what we have been forcing it to succumb to over the years, from our pollution to our decadence to our moral devolution...yeah, I read too much into these things.

I fear the world that we will be leaving behind for our grandchildren, let alone our children.

Why do I feel like Ive said all this before?

In lighter news, its a novelty for me to feel my ribs. I have always had a layer (er, layers) of fat over them, you see, and while they don't jut out or anything, its weird to realise they exist. I blame stress and work for this, really.

Watched National Treasure 2 last night, and its actually the first movie of the year, aside from Transformers (coz come on, Optimus Prime!) that I really enjoyed from start to finish. I had forgotten how cold the Empire cinemas were, though. Mental note to self, wear pants next time around.


Parties are fun. But, oh, are the after parties are funner. Oh, for glorious youth. After a while, all the parties blend together and its like its just a repeat of the previous drunken night, only with a different location, and I'd like to think I left that phase behind but every once upon a time, oh, how much fun they absolutely are.

I really should be past it by now.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy

It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence, to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this, too, shall pass away." How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction!--


Abraham Lincoln


So, I was quite content to serve a little at my local Catholic church when I first landed. The quiet pace of life here allows the er, lets call it noise attracted me, serenity, and I was certain Id work a little, chill a little, but most of all, serve a little.









But you and I both know those plans you make never exactly turn out the way you want them too.



Helping out with the youth was one thing. But it was never an ambition of mine to join the local church choir. Sure, i sing with zest, if not with talent, and loudly, if not well, but while I sing in the shower and believe a song is a prayer said twice so therefore I sing with abandon during events and such, joining the church choir was far from an ambition.



Oh, I had my million and one excuses, and I was eyeing on joining other things, thinking my 'services' werent needed there. But God works in mysterious ways. And He has his own plans. So while they may not have needed me, the friendships forged and bonds re kindled were somehow exactly what I needed at this point in time.







Yes, life can be lonely sometimes, but for better or worse, thats exactly why you've got your angels on Earth, the brothers and sisters God forgot to give you, if not to fill the void, then to at least make the darkness smaller, and the everyday moments lighter.




Because you know life can just get so damn heavy sometimes.

I started this entry with a completely different vein of thought in my mind. I wanted to talk about short and bitin Christmas visit to my parents and younger brother. I wanted to recap my 2007, from graduating to first jobs to financial liberation (and confinements) of earning and paying my own keep, and talking about a love I had and love I let go, of journeys and struggles, of faith restrengthening, of missionary leaning, of working full time, of family obligations, of career building, of realising I really can do what studied, and yes, my coming of age tale.

But it sounded boring. So I saved that for another day.

I turn 22 in a month. Its pretty much all downhill from here ;)

Im joking. I know that my life is on an upswing. And I'm excited and hopeful and prayerful, and thats really all there is to it.

In 2007, painfully yet beautifully, amongs a multitude of other things, I learned who my angels were.

Theyre not all captured here, of course. I am blessed to have more, but I lack the pictures. I have my friends who are far away but who I carry in my heart, and friends near who for some reason, I dont have a good proper shot with. But they know who they are.

Don't you?

I don't know what 2008 will bring, but at this moment in time, I am grateful and I am appreciative of the people, the events, the tears, the joy, the blessings, the life lessons that He steered me towards in 2007. For my experiences in 2007, I am grateful.

Merry Christmas, every body and in case I don't blog before then, may your 2008 be beautiful!

life is grown sweeter and lonelier and death is no evil

"The cracks are what let the light in" ~ Rosie O'Donnell on The View 5/22/07

Living right on the Equator means that the only climates I'm truly familiar with are blazing hot and pouring rain. Today was the time of the latter, and I was so absorbed in my work that I didnt realise how hard it was raining. I love the rain though. It makesme enjoy staying indoors. It was apparently flooded in town and with me living rightsmack in the middle (okay maybe offcentre a bit)of it, was getting the brunt of the storm. I was thrilled to get home, I give you that.

Its really hard saying no to invitations out sometimes, and when I fell sick last week,I think it was my body's way of reminding me I'm not 17 anymore. So now,I'm trying tobe smarter about this and going out when I really want to, as opposed to going out simplybecause Im expected to. Like tonight, I stayed in, and I did some self pampering on my nails and hair whilewatching a mix of Dawson's Creek and Grey's Anatomy, with a snack (or two).

I went hiking this weekend, and I decided to go up a notch and try oh, simple push ups,pull ups, goingon the bars and sit ups etc. It seemed like a good idea at the time, and being with friends, I wasencouraged and motivated. It was a really really good properly sweaty work out. ....until I woke up this morning unable to lift my arms properly to put my shirt on. And I waswalking seemingly like a zombie because of my stiff legs. The last time I felt like this was after my firstpole dancing lesson (yeah, Im a weirdo and in my defense, they were actual classes and actual fun!)

Crazy how out of shape I am. And yet I'm as freakily flexible as ever, but I credit that to my double jointedness. I certainly didnt go jogging again today.

But well, maybe tomorrow. ;)

If you havent noticed yet, I love the future and the opportunities and possibilities it beckons. Its like a 'Why You Should Wear Sunscreen' advertisement when you see my armsand legs in the picture below. It shows how much I favor skirts over pants, in any caseand long sleeves over short ones. I also think its the flash plus its a scan but ya know,whatever, the focus of this picture is my adorable little cousin.

Her name is Aaliyah (I named her and nicknamed her AA) and she's 6 years old. She's the daughter of my ate Mafe, another very importantwoman in my life, and in here we're getting ready for her graduation from kindergarten,imagine that. Just yesterday I remember her learning to walk. They grow so fast.

At her graduation, I was pleased to see her come out of her shell. She, or rather, her graduating class, danced to Mambo No. 5, and her school principal picked her to told her hand as she sang a song for the crowd. I was really proud of her.

She's so precious. Of course there were other cute kids, but AA's just beautiful.I thought for a secondthat my long latent maternal instincts were finally kicking in.

But I have much too much to do just yet.

So AA and my baby brother will have to do for now.

...and yes, I know he's 18. Go away.

I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.

"In this dirty-minded world, she thought, you are either somebody's wife or somebody's whore-or fast on your way to becoming one or the other. If you don't fit either category, then everyone tried to make you think there is something wrong with you."-

The World According to Garp by John Irving

I really really loathe papercuts.

Doing office work entails paper. Lots and lots of paper.When it comes to the plasticnotes,I'm your woman, but all that paper, argh. My hands are the casualty of my paperwork. There are cuts,superficial ones that cause no harm, deep ones that are still wounded and the occasional hack into my skin! GRR!

There is your silly me rant for the day.

The problem with long distance relationships is exactly that. The distance. Touch, eventhe simplest finger caress, is so beautiful, and when you dont even have that, its an ache.A real throbbing ache. I don't know how people do it, and I admire you if youre in a long distancerelationship right now and sticking to it. Thank God for technology but it cant substitute touch, now, can it?

Went for an annual thanksgiving dinner for the choir the other day, and wonder of wonders,I, the one whonever as much wins a door prize, won a table fan.I mean, I wanted the blender, but never in my life have I wonanything when it comes to these luck things. I've never factored luck into anything I do, precisely because I believethere is no such thing as luck. Just hard work, chance and a smidgen of God's blessing. And if thats the case, Iwas blessed that evening, and I wonder if that means my 'luck' is changing.

Nah.

I have been a bad girl and staying out later than is wise, sleeping later than is wise, and getting up way too early for my body to have fully recovered from the lack of sleep. I took a day off from work yesterday because I woke up to a spinning world. Nausea, fever, what have you, my immune system was shot and I was fatigued. It made memiss my loved ones all the more, and I especially miss my mother when Im sick. Who takes care of me best when Im being a baby? Her! I really must be getting old, because when I was 17, I could go days on no sleep and right now, I canbarely function if I attempt that. And Im barely in my twenties! I hope I grow old gracefullybecause I really cant see myself as a fifty year old couch potato. I want to grow old into one of those old eccentrics. I probably will.

My Catholic faith is a big part of who I am ( but yes, I laughed at Dogma, read and scoffed and yes, enjoyed The Da Vinci Code 2 years before the movie was made, was pissed off when Euro Trip made fun of the papacy, preferred Angels and Demons over Da Vinci Code - knowing fullwell both are fiction and enjoying them as thus-,I commit my sins, I repent, I believe in God, end of story) and I'm getting back into serving in my local church, which ironically, is where my faith was formed.If nothing else, I had my First Holy Communion here, and I was confirmed here, and if nothing else,this is truly where my Catholic growth began. It fell and grew in uni, torn from the shelters of my comfortzone, but if nothing else, I owe it to myself to serve in the church and community where my faith was nurtured, while I can. I don't know if I'll get this opportunity again.

It hurts to grow up and face responsibilities. The other night, I practically broke down on the phone to my mother. She soothed me as only she can. I hate that I'm not 8 and believing in her magical kiss and word to make the hurt go away. She means well but at the end of the day, I have to face up to the sobering reality that in truth and all finality, its all on me now.

Was it not just yesterday that it was November? December has crept up on me, and the next thing I'll know, it will be January and I willbe 22 and nowhere near my goal of actually getting my driver's license.

Oh well, theres always next year. ;)