children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them.

Well, you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but your so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks, and I'm tryin to get back
before the cool done run out I'll be givin it my bestest

and nothin's gonna stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

But I won't hesitate no more,
no more, it cannot wait I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
open up your plans and damn you're free
look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing
We're just one big family
And it's our god forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved Loved

So, i won't hesitate no more,
no more, it cannot wait i'm sure
there's no need to complicate our time is short
this is our fate, i'm yours

I've been spendin' way too long checkin' my tongue in the mirror
and bendin' over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
and so I drew a new face and I laughed

I guess what I'd be sayin' is there ain't no better reason
to rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
it's what we aim to do
our name is our virtue

But I won't hesitate no more, no more
it cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
open up your plans and damn you're free
look into your heart and you will find that the sky is yours
so please don't, please don't, please don't,
there's no need to complicate,
Cause our time is short
This, this, this is our fate,
I'm yours

- I'm Yours by Jason Mraz

I don't have a camera.



Maybe I'll get one some day, but for the now, I rely on my phone and on most occasions, kind friends who send me their copies of photos which have me in them.

I hardly never put pictures up.
Hardly ever do I show my life beyond the words words words that spill from my fingers.

Hardly ever do I even imagine that my life is picture worthy.
But sometimes.


Not all the time, but sometimes..

It is.

Adulthood, its a very strange notion.

I am an adult.

I am not an adult.

I won't pretend that I am perfectly happy with everything in my life. I am however, content with the life I'm slowly building in the country my childhood happened in. I have my social groups. I have my friends. I have my acquaintances. I have my family. I have my friends who have become my family.

I have learned to make time for myself. I have learned when to say no. I have learned when to say yes.

Most of the time, I feel like Im play acting that I'm all done with university, happily graduated and working.

Sometimes, I feel it. The financial self sufficiency and reliancy. The responsibilities. The love. The obligations.

And in the most basic way, its still hard to believe its true.

But yeah, like my sometimes picture worthy life...

it is.

the most audacious thing I could possibily state in this day and age is that life is worth living

- webuildfire

Its amazing how aesthetic beauty affects so many things.

Whenever my parents visit, its always such an emotionally enriching and yet draining experience. And I always notice something new.

Like how I have nothing but happy memories of my childhood but there are things my dad does nowadays that he never did for me when I was a child. Its funny,we were having dinner and he said he was excited to play with his first grandchild, and I realised he never played with me when I was younger. He was not so giving in his love, or had a harder time showing it then. And its hard for me to receive it.

Its awkward. Its different. We're trying.

He's such a changed man nowadays and I'm grasping, trying to catch up to his changes as fast as I can.

Because so help me, this version of my dad is the one I craved growing up, and I dont care if he only just arrived.

Or perhaps he was always there. I was just too caught up in my world to make sense or appreciate it.

but I understand doing something you know you shouldn't be doing, and knowing at the same time it's not wrong

There is a part of me that wants to write, a part that wants to theorize, a part that wants to sculpt, a part that wants to teach...To force myself into a single role, to decide to be just one thing in life, would kill off large parts of me. Rather, I recognize that I love now and only now, and I will do what I want to do *this* moment and not what I decided was best for me yesterday.
--Hugh Prather, Notes To Myself

Random facts about me that you may or may not necessarily find interesting.

1. Whenever I check my bank balance, and see my salary in, I like to keep it in there for a day or two and pretend I actually can use all the money in there for me and me alone.

2. I think I suffer from trichotillomania. Its a weird habit that I find immensely satisfying which may or may not mean I need psychiatric drugs.

3. I am better with numbers with a big calculator and a spreadsheet. Not in my head. I can even mistake double digit figures.

4. I am more fluent with the english language when I write, not so much when I speak. When i speak I sound like a girl whose english is not her first language but rather her 3rd, or maybe even 4th.

5. I can't cook to save my life.

Okay, correction. I could cook to save my life. Just not cook very well. Whatever cooking gene that exists, it skipped me. I think when they were giving the cooking gene out, I was probably not paying attention and had my had buried in a book.

My country celebrated its 110th day of independance this year. I am far from the most Filipino person out there, mostly because I don't look like one, sadly, the beauty that is bestowed upon most of my general Filo friend population, as well as our supposedly innate ability to dance and sing? Uh, its NOT a prerequisite to being filipino if it was, then eff that, that gene skipped me too.

But I do like to write.

I like to write..

Yeah. I like to write a lot.

I think I'll always be a frustrated writer trying to kick away the notion that she should be doing something more family accepted, like accounting.

Anyway, its a new week. Lets see what delights it brings.

Even if you take yourself away from the person who holds you fast, if that person still thinks you are his, you always will be

"Amnesia is not knowing who one is and wanting desperately to find out. Euphoria is not knowing who one is and not caring. Ecstasy is knowing exactly who one is - and still not caring."
- Another Roadside Attraction-

I unpacked one of my boxes and found my dad's old travel scrabble set, the set he and I used to play against each other with when I was a little girl. I don't think I ever beat him more than once in the dozens of times we played. He honed my vocabulary skills that way, and I remember clearly beating a teacher when I was in Form 1.

I like scrabble. I want to find more people to play it with.

I've destroyed my liver more over my past 4 years in university than I think I will my entire life. Some people think people who can drink a lot are so great and their drinking capacity has improved over the years. I beg to differ and think its because we've destroyed our livers and it can't function anymore.

Just a mental note.

I went for a retreat this weekend, and I learned that I am a Red. I react according to my feelings, and my inner mantra is "Why not?" and I like having fun. I am a trial and error person, I don't think things through thoroughly enough, don't like authority figures and am constantly looking for new things to try and I like taking risks. I am dynamic and friendly and I am better at making friends than keeping them.

Okay, that last thing was something I threw in there but really, I am. I am transient by nature and am aware my friendships wherever I am, will also be so.

Which is why whenever I realise I've somehow earned someone's friendship enough for them to care about picking me up at 730 am for work so I wont have to brave a walk in the pouring rain, or received a nifty present from people who came back from holidays in Phils and KL, gotten a phone call 'just because', sends by mail my fave shows on dvd, surprising me at midnight with pizza, and ending up chilling with the most random of people on the most random of nights...

It kinda makes me question that transient belief sometimes.