my heart is in my hands
my head is in the clouds
my feet have left the ground
my life is turning around and round
and every voice inside my head is tellin' me to run like mad
oh bows and arrows
stars and sunset hey hey hey yeah hey hey hey yeah
every heartbeat every kiss just
makes me wonder what all this is
suits of armor, hearts and arrows hey hey hey yeah
-Run Like Mad - Jann Arden
Lingerie, a drink up, a slice of birthday cake with a candle on it, an unopened bottle of JD and baileys!, shiny purple flat shoes, new makeup, new hair products (squee!), two new planners, a fruit basket, new bag, a restaurant singing me happy birthday and an amazing surprise birthday cake with twenty three candles on it.
Wow. Im so touched.
And the best part is its not even my birthday yet, and I still have the blessed weekend, Chinese New Year and Kuala Lumpur goodness to look forward to <3.
*
I don't have many good friends here in Brunei.
In fact, if I were to be completely honest, I can count on less than two hands ,maybe even just one, how many actually truly care about me beyond a certain tolerance and need to have to put up with me because its the politically correct and easier thing to do. You know, easier to pretend to be my friend and be the perfect hypocrite than to actually let me know how to be a better person? Yeah, that type of friend.
Because lets also own up to the fact that I'm not the easiest person to deal with. I could list all my flaws which I am aware of but you know, I dont have 24 hours to spare.
For ages, I've wanted to change. But Im torn between two people, the person I want to be and the person I'm expected to be and very often the lines separating the two are blurred.
...whoa. Its like the 15 year old me just surfaced and tried to be all emo and melodramatic in that sentence.
But you know what I mean.
Bottom line is, Im a hard character to take.
And those who can take me are prizes to be kept and I feel like I've won somehow.
*
Its been raining cats and dogs, flash floods occuring, the underpass sunken under water, electricity, telecommunications and water being cut off due to the floods, its been crazy.
I've always loved the rain.
This is just too much, especially after the two deaths reported, so many homes being lost and people left without belongings, and Im praying it will let up soon.
*
*HUGS* TOTAL! give wellmaybetomorrow more *HUGS*
Get hugs of your own
It is the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.
your destiny is not tied to the people who walked away
Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal.
Live this day as if it were your last.
The past is over and gone.
The future is not guaranteed.”
-Wayne Dyer
One of the hardest things I have ever done was letting a prize like you go. Believe me. Again. Ending things again. When we've come so far. But you and I both know this may be as far as we can go together. And this is the final end.
You've run the race with me side by side, and even pulled me up when I was struggling and waited for me to catch up when I thought I couldn't take another step. You gave me water and you gave me energy and you gave me the strength to take that next stride.
You who made me laugh and held me when I cried and you who understood when I ranted and defended me when I needed it (even when I didnt deserve to be). You who danced with me even though dancing is not your thing and you who actually enjoyed the sound of me singing. You who reached out when i pulled away. You who made me feel beautiful and you who taught me the difference between..well. You know.
You who made me feel everything and nothing all at once, my silence in the crowd, my song and my dance, my rock.
Its been a very very good almost 3 years with you. And I will treasure every memory and every breath taken in your presence. You will always be my wonderwall and I am just so sorry I couldn't wait any longer.
I just hope that years from now when you remember me you remember the good things. Because you truly were a good thing in my life. I want that to continue.
But you know my terms.
Im just so sorry. I did not mean to make you cry. I did not mean to make you hope. You want me to wait but I can't wait forever, you really must choose NOW. I cant wait, not when the future is this uncertain. I agonized over this decision, please, dont you believe I made it in one day.
I know youre reading this. Or at least you used to. Is this it? Are you just going to erase me from your life? We're more than that. You know we are.
I'll be crushed if you tell me you dont know we are.
And dont you dare say you dont know we are simply to crush me.
Me leaving you will not crush you.
You are a magnificent fabulous catch.
You are an amazing amazing person.
Me leaving you will crush me eventually.
But don't flatter me into thinking for one second me leaving you will really affect you in the long run. You will be amazing.
With or without me.
*
I stumbled upon Anna Nalick accidentally but now I am very much a fan. The song embedded is probably her most famous one but mind you, she really does have many others.
yeah. Anna Nalick. Check her out.
Over the weekend, I spent time with different groups of friends and came to the conclusion that once people are broken in one way or another, they can't be fixed. Or they can be. But if you try to fix people before they are ready to be, and unless youre ready for that, you'll just end up cutting yourself in the process on the shards of their brokenness. So when you can't hack it, even when you know you should do something, you close one eye. And leave them broken.
Because its just the easier way out.
And that is sort of something nobody ever bothers to tell you tells you when you are young and yet it never fails to take you by surprise as the years go by, as you slowly but surely see the people in your life break one by one.
It scares you.
And maybe only to yourself, you wonder when your turn is going to be.
Or even more silently, you wonder if it's already happened.
And you think back and wonder if it really was the easier choice leaving everyone else so broken.
You can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things: a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
Those who hate most fervently must have once loved deeply;
those who want to deny the world must have once embraced what they now set on fire.
Kurt Tucholsky
I hate hearing that I'm wrong.
But even more than that, I hate coming to the realization that I am wrong.
Okay, first of all, I know I do things which people think are out of order or not right or wrong or whatever, but at the heart of that is me still thinking I dont regret it because it was exactly what I wanted so WHATEVER.
However.
Thats not the case this time around. And I'm just so sorry.
Its something that guts into my very being because truth be told, everyone likes believing what they did at that point in their life was possibly the very best thing they could have done at that point and within that context.
Its a peculiar feeling, being told you were wrong when at that time, you swore it was right and when you think to yourself hey it must have been wrong...it feels like, to me anyway, that I built a choice all around something that in the end could not support the gravity of the conscious thought to make it. Like I asked someone who was born mute to suddenly break into a serenade or asking someone who had never seen to swear to the bottom of his heart that I am beautiful.
You know when people say they feel like the rug was swept out from right under them? Well truly does that feeling resonate when faced with the consequences of a decision that at that point felt so right but somehow ended up leaving you with massively unwanted results?
Yeah.
So its with a sinking self defying surrender that I acknowledge not to anyone else but to me, that yes, I was wrong.
This means I'm not sure of much anymore, because after I acknowledge that what i decided then was actually wrong, it changes my world and makes it a tiny bit more askew.
So I guess, if you were to ask me about it, like ask 'hey, remember what you did then? what do you believe about what you did then, now?'
I'd answer, quite reluctantly but with strange relief, I would say 'I am sure now that I was wrong, and that is all'.
I hope someone asks me someday, because maybe by then I'll be ready to admit it and especially then, be ready to make myself believe my own premeditated words.
But even then...
Theres nothing, absolutely nothing I can do now but say I'm really so sorry...
And now all I can do is move on.
its a wild world/ It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Now that I've lost everything to you
You say you wanna start something new
And it's breakin' my heart you're leavin'
Baby, I'm grievin'
But if you wanna leave, take good care
Hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
and I'll always remember you like a child, girl
You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do
And it's breakin' my heart in two
Because I never wanna see you sad, girl
Don't be a bad girl
But if you wanna leave, take good care
Hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware
Baby, I love you
But if you wanna leave, take good care
Hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware
Cat Stevens 'Wild World'
I know you're surprised.
But I did actually mean it when I said bye.
we'll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne..
I fill my days with song and dance
For its in the silences that I ache
I'd like to believe my hard times are past
But these days are all about my bleeding
For blood is not the only thing you can spill
You can spill love, actions, bones and words
At the end of the days, its all the same pain
I've been through my fair share of hurt
I bleed my experiences and hope you learn
I fix, I mend, I reach out and I bend
Honey, its pain thats not through with you
I am alone even in a crowd
I bleed my heart and beg them to take it
Better to be alone together
Rather than being alone, alone.
My defense mechanism is my loudness
I bleed my life and share for you to laugh at me
You'd think I was happy if I was laughing
And you laugh and forget you thought I was pained
My family has such expectations
I bleed from the obligations
I'm old enough to bear the burdens
And I'm young enough to run but dont
I fill my days with work and busy
I bleed fatigue from the schedule
I reach for you, would you let me in?
I struggle to fill the hours in between
I don't know why I always end up like this
I bleed tears but they don't bring relief
They drop and I'm still standing
Is this all there is?
This life is harsh and I should know by now
I'll bleed blood far sooner than later
I'm tall and strong, young and healthy
I should be built to take this
I know God has a plan and I believe...
What I'd like to believe too is
That my hard times are past/ But really.
These days are all about my bleeding
- me on one of my bad days.
Its just been one of those days.
"In this world you will have troubles. But take heart! I have overcome the world." --Jesus, John 16:33
"Theres something beautiful about a billion stars held steady by a God who knows what He is doing. They hang there, the stars, like notes on a page of music, free-form verse, silent mysteries swirling in the blue like jazz."
It would be wonderful if somehow I was struck with a sudden inspiration to write something thought provoking, beautiful and almost lyrical tonight, particularly since this is my first post of 2009. Alas, nothing comes to mind except random pictures, images and moments and I can only dwell on the fact that 2008 may not have been the very best year for me, but I sure grew up more this way than when I was in university and everything was fine and dandy and easy.
But Im not feeling particularly eloquent . So very random pictures will have to do for today. Basically whatever I actually have downloaded off facebook in the past month and a half.
The above picture captures most of not all the brothers and sisters who have blessed my life with their prescences of late. They can put up with my most obnoxious of manners and they are supportive, so much it hurts, and I know if I ever need anything, they will be there with open arms and hearts. Oh. And the party was fun too ;)
Ah, my Australian Dad and 'house sisters'. Fond fond fond!!!
Ah, that high school reunion. Could it have been so long ago when everyone in this picture was an awkward adolescent? Time flies, issues drop, people grow and friendships remain.Ah, my Jolene.
My two oldest friends, Kathleen and Emily. The doctor and MBA holder. Makes my degree feel so damn insignificant, doesnt it? But theyre amazing. Chiew Yi!!! MBA holder to be!!! My old friends are all so accomplished. See, people, studying really does sort you out and being a nerd in high school?
It pays off. Stay in school. :D
Thats during Chinky's birthday. It was a blast and a half and Ill always have fond memories of that and of them.
Thats me in a (stolen) angels costume and halo for the Nativity play this year. I was not an angel ( how unbelievable would I be in that role?) but the narrator, but I didn't want to miss getting that winning halo shot, ya know.
This is a stolen shot with Jen and Aubrey. Rarely though we meet, theyre quite rocks to me, and I would have been lost my first few months in Brunei without them. They are such lovely people, we have our flaws but at the end of the day, I am truly blessed to have crossed paths with them.
But nothing much more comes to mind.
My achievements in 2008 are nothing compared to Baby James. Im not the best aunt. But Im working on it.
2009 is gonna be a buzz year. I feel it in the air. I would like to finally get closer to God, work on my family and fix myself up.
This is the year I turn 23 and I really really need to work on being that woman the 13 year old me always wanted to be.
Its just...I just have so many concerns right now. And Im weak. And I feel I could break down at any moment from the absolute weight of my concerns and worries (Im just not made to shoulder burdens very well yet and Im so so sorry) and my God, my faith and service is probably the one constant thing keeping me together.