You can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things: a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

Those who hate most fervently must have once loved deeply;
those who want to deny the world must have once embraced what they now set on fire.

Kurt Tucholsky

I hate hearing that I'm wrong.

But even more than that, I hate coming to the realization that I am wrong.

Okay, first of all, I know I do things which people think are out of order or not right or wrong or whatever, but at the heart of that is me still thinking I dont regret it because it was exactly what I wanted so WHATEVER.

However.

Thats not the case this time around. And I'm just so sorry.

Its something that guts into my very being because truth be told, everyone likes believing what they did at that point in their life was possibly the very best thing they could have done at that point and within that context.

Its a peculiar feeling, being told you were wrong when at that time, you swore it was right and when you think to yourself hey it must have been wrong...it feels like, to me anyway, that I built a choice all around something that in the end could not support the gravity of the conscious thought to make it. Like I asked someone who was born mute to suddenly break into a serenade or asking someone who had never seen to swear to the bottom of his heart that I am beautiful.

You know when people say they feel like the rug was swept out from right under them? Well truly does that feeling resonate when faced with the consequences of a decision that at that point felt so right but somehow ended up leaving you with massively unwanted results?

Yeah.

So its with a sinking self defying surrender that I acknowledge not to anyone else but to me, that yes, I was wrong.

This means I'm not sure of much anymore, because after I acknowledge that what i decided then was actually wrong, it changes my world and makes it a tiny bit more askew.

So I guess, if you were to ask me about it, like ask 'hey, remember what you did then? what do you believe about what you did then, now?'

I'd answer, quite reluctantly but with strange relief, I would say 'I am sure now that I was wrong, and that is all'.

I hope someone asks me someday, because maybe by then I'll be ready to admit it and especially then, be ready to make myself believe my own premeditated words.

But even then...

Theres nothing, absolutely nothing I can do now but say I'm really so sorry...

And now all I can do is move on.