we will all go our separate ways, but we carry a little bit of each other everywhere

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And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have

"That's the funny thing about memory, isn't it? We are not what we remember of ourselves,
we are what people say we are. They project upon us their convictions. We are nothing but blank screens."

Ashley Greene

I have this tendency to make plans just for the sake of having them. Its only recently that I've come to terms with the outrageous idea that having some alone time to yourself is not only extremely refreshing but also very needed. Come to terms with and acted upon.

Maybe its because I'm getting older. Maybe its because I feel like I have nothing else to do that I have not already done. I feel like there are only so many times you can rehash the same old scene. Maybe if I was not here, I would eat my words, but in the here and in the now, my own company with a dash of good friends and family, is all I really need at the end of the day.

I came to work (after taking a day off yesterday) and my colleagues were cautious. Overly cautious. Paranoid cautious (maybe even enjoying making me nervous cautious!) I decided to go to the doctor during lunch just to get my colleagues to lay off, and hopefully get a clean bill of health, particularly over the recent cases of H1N1. The doctor more or less laughed at my worry and sent me away with cough syrup and paracetamol. Epic, I tell you.

The company trip to Singapore has been postponed, which has made me quite sad. I was so excited.

Its the last year of the decade. How bizarre.

I'm on an old tv show kick lately, and Ive been scouring the internet and dvd places for shows like The Wonder Years, Saved By The Bell, the original 90210, Dawsons Creek. Im also re watching movies of that era like The Breakfast Club, Clueless, My Girl 1 and 2. It takes me back to another time and place, and nostalgia spills over when I sit back and let the show make me feel young again.

Or young-ish anyway.

I am loving my re-interest in blogging. I hope it lasts. I am appalled at how little I have been writing in because Ive been so darn busy lately...

And everything depends upon, how near you stand to me

Calm in quietude is not real calm.
When you can be calm in the midst of activity,
this is the true state of nature.

Happiness in comfort is not real happiness.
When you can be happy in the midst of hardship,
then you see the true potential of the mind.

-Huanchu Daoren

An embrace in words

I really could use a hug right now. Words can only keep you warm for so long

I was sick so I met my neighbor today. We have been living as neighbors for a long time but today, I was sick and needed to call my office because today I was out of credit and I didn't want to walk to the pasar malam to get any in my state. I knocked on her door with wild hair and a grouchy voice and a plea to use her phone and she welcomed me all the same.

I haven't been able to sleep properly the past weeks and its finally showing. I woke up with a fever and body aches like no ones business and a tendency to throw up every few minutes.

But you didnt need to know all that.

My neighbour on the other hand is amazing. In the few hours I spent being all sick in her living room, she sorted me out with great conversation, a full on proper body massage and dinner. At the very least, I also think Ive made a new friend.

And good friends are always so hard to find these days.

In other news, I need to sleep now so I can go to work at least semi functional tomorrow.

everyone is going to hurt you in the end/ maybe sometimes you just need to know who are worth being hurt for

the day the earth ends, will be chaos.
people crowding the airport, screams, cries,
hugs, kisses, people trying to find their
loved ones, & phone lines being slowed
down by the millions of phone calls & texts being
sent by people trying to tell other's
things they never said. never take a day
for granted, and never let one crucial
thought or feeling go unspoken. there
will be a day when that chance expires.
-unknown

My heart hurts.

And not in the cliche sense of love found and lost. Not unless its in regards to friends, which maybe it is in this case.

Ever since I found out that on the DISC graph that I am an I with a D tendency, more and more do I think back to when I was younger and come to terms with the realization that I have not always been an I. No, I truly believe I am a learned I, because when I was younger, I did not get along with people and I certainly did not make friends as easily as I can now.

Or as I can then.

See, I was a shy child and an awkward adolescent and it was only late high school and uni that I broke away from that shell. I liked me then.

But the me then has lived out her phase and another part of me needs to get her turn to realise her potential.

But why?

Because Im finally tired. After years of being a learned I, the under currents of my true nature are coming out and I am not really that people oriented. Truth be told. If I let myself be, I am happiest alone or with max one or two other people. I cannot handle what Ive been putting myself through especially for the past two years ever since I came back here. Being an I is all I know. But what worked for uni wont work in the 'real' world. I am not sure what my 'true' nature is. But I dont think its people oriented. At least not at such a high I level. And I need to find out what I am if I don't always automatically go to my default I setting.

I just cant stand it anymore.

No matter what I do, its just not good enough for the very people whom I am trying to serve. Obviously, since Im not being me. Its MY fault, for showing them just a sliver of what I am and them taking it to mean thats me in my entirety. I never corrected them either, did I? No, it was much easier this way, I thought. Obviously not.

I think I'm done. I'm done. I am sick and tired of initiating activities, initiating all these things that at the end of the day no one really wants to do anyway and just blames me if I somehow falter under the strain of YET ANOTHER DECISION. Pardon me if I should be indecisive, Im 23 and Im not that certain of things yet, ok? They tell me all I do is initiate and I dont follow through. What about all the people I try to bring in? Have they ever tried? Have they even brought one friend in? What about the current friends I text/email/msn/fb to coax to come? Does that mean squat? Apparently.

Then guess what, if 'all I do is initiate and be loud', and thats how highly you think of my ideas and the time (not to mention credit and thick facedness) I spend trying to contact people, and you all have much better ideas, THEN YOU COME UP WITH THEM!

I am just burned out of all this, under the weight of everything else. My personal life is in shambles, my work is under pressure, my family is far away, the people I serve with dont seem to want to know anything about me unless its the loud airhead clumsy happy go lucky side they can all handle and are used to but sometimes I break so PARDON ME, PARDON ME if just right now, just at this time I CANNOT DECIDE. Because this is one of those times.

Lately I'm going through some issues. And its affecting everything Ive hoped to achieve by now. I can barely sleep at night, my massive eye bags are an indication and my glasses are not doing a good job of hiding them anymore, and when I am awake, I fall asleep at the most random of places. I think my body is stealing power naps. I have a short fuse lately and all I want to do is be alone.

I will follow through with my last few initiations. But its been a year now and I should step away. Its clearly not working as well as it could with me being me and if fresh blood is what it needs, then that could be exactly what I need to be able to step back and just be told what to do since clearly I cannot make decisions.

And thats okay with me. I am a learned I.

I need to stop learning to be an I, throw away all these preconceptions, stop trying to fit the part of everyones expectations of me and just finally try to me again, whoever me is.

And if that means taking a step back..

Then so be it.

My heart hurts and I cant sleep. Its almost 4 am.

My secrets have spilled.