everyone is going to hurt you in the end/ maybe sometimes you just need to know who are worth being hurt for

the day the earth ends, will be chaos.
people crowding the airport, screams, cries,
hugs, kisses, people trying to find their
loved ones, & phone lines being slowed
down by the millions of phone calls & texts being
sent by people trying to tell other's
things they never said. never take a day
for granted, and never let one crucial
thought or feeling go unspoken. there
will be a day when that chance expires.
-unknown

My heart hurts.

And not in the cliche sense of love found and lost. Not unless its in regards to friends, which maybe it is in this case.

Ever since I found out that on the DISC graph that I am an I with a D tendency, more and more do I think back to when I was younger and come to terms with the realization that I have not always been an I. No, I truly believe I am a learned I, because when I was younger, I did not get along with people and I certainly did not make friends as easily as I can now.

Or as I can then.

See, I was a shy child and an awkward adolescent and it was only late high school and uni that I broke away from that shell. I liked me then.

But the me then has lived out her phase and another part of me needs to get her turn to realise her potential.

But why?

Because Im finally tired. After years of being a learned I, the under currents of my true nature are coming out and I am not really that people oriented. Truth be told. If I let myself be, I am happiest alone or with max one or two other people. I cannot handle what Ive been putting myself through especially for the past two years ever since I came back here. Being an I is all I know. But what worked for uni wont work in the 'real' world. I am not sure what my 'true' nature is. But I dont think its people oriented. At least not at such a high I level. And I need to find out what I am if I don't always automatically go to my default I setting.

I just cant stand it anymore.

No matter what I do, its just not good enough for the very people whom I am trying to serve. Obviously, since Im not being me. Its MY fault, for showing them just a sliver of what I am and them taking it to mean thats me in my entirety. I never corrected them either, did I? No, it was much easier this way, I thought. Obviously not.

I think I'm done. I'm done. I am sick and tired of initiating activities, initiating all these things that at the end of the day no one really wants to do anyway and just blames me if I somehow falter under the strain of YET ANOTHER DECISION. Pardon me if I should be indecisive, Im 23 and Im not that certain of things yet, ok? They tell me all I do is initiate and I dont follow through. What about all the people I try to bring in? Have they ever tried? Have they even brought one friend in? What about the current friends I text/email/msn/fb to coax to come? Does that mean squat? Apparently.

Then guess what, if 'all I do is initiate and be loud', and thats how highly you think of my ideas and the time (not to mention credit and thick facedness) I spend trying to contact people, and you all have much better ideas, THEN YOU COME UP WITH THEM!

I am just burned out of all this, under the weight of everything else. My personal life is in shambles, my work is under pressure, my family is far away, the people I serve with dont seem to want to know anything about me unless its the loud airhead clumsy happy go lucky side they can all handle and are used to but sometimes I break so PARDON ME, PARDON ME if just right now, just at this time I CANNOT DECIDE. Because this is one of those times.

Lately I'm going through some issues. And its affecting everything Ive hoped to achieve by now. I can barely sleep at night, my massive eye bags are an indication and my glasses are not doing a good job of hiding them anymore, and when I am awake, I fall asleep at the most random of places. I think my body is stealing power naps. I have a short fuse lately and all I want to do is be alone.

I will follow through with my last few initiations. But its been a year now and I should step away. Its clearly not working as well as it could with me being me and if fresh blood is what it needs, then that could be exactly what I need to be able to step back and just be told what to do since clearly I cannot make decisions.

And thats okay with me. I am a learned I.

I need to stop learning to be an I, throw away all these preconceptions, stop trying to fit the part of everyones expectations of me and just finally try to me again, whoever me is.

And if that means taking a step back..

Then so be it.

My heart hurts and I cant sleep. Its almost 4 am.

My secrets have spilled.