sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in

The whole world, myself included, seem to have one thing in common
we're just a crowd of people who don't really fit in anywhere
attempting to convince one another
that we do.
- Andrew McMahon

I close my eyes and I remember.

Its not one face, its more than one, its a countless number of faces that have blessed my life, walked in for a second, never knowing that we'd perhaps not meet again. I clutch at the memories and I am filled with nostalgia...

I miss my friends and I often wonder, were we to meet again, would it be just as good?

You and I, we felt like we had forever, but in reality, we only had each for a few short months each calendar year. Those months had days where I hardly ever saw you, and you hardly ever saw me, but when we sought each other out, when we finally missed the need of each other, when we met again, it would be pure euphoria..

I remember the day you taught me about the perils of tequila and a hot stranger, when you would coax me to go out in the middle of the night doing who knew what who knew where, the days we studied till dawn, stayed up talking about everything under the sun, taking care of each other when we knew the other needed it, and no, we never were corny to admit to anyone but each other that we enjoyed those soaps and that boy band(but we did).

When darkness turned into light, we'd blink at realising we really had talked all night.

Oh, and the nights and how used to do nothing at all. Im a control freak and its often hard for me to just fo with the flow, but you with your charm, and you with your air of fun, you took my hand and taught me to let go.

Rushing to the bus, our hair still drenched from the shower and using the Curtin bus air conditioners as quasi blowdryers. Actually coaxing me to do Niah, and that horribly funny yet memorable pit stop by those police.

Overwhelming me with your love.

We had a really bad so called 'ball', it ended far too early. We four ended up in her room and we were still dressed in our finery, the dresses we had made or had bough especially for the disappointment of a 'ball', where we hardly ever danced enough. Then you reached out and turned on the music, and we forgot we werent in a grand ball room and we let go and oh, how we danced.

When you used to wake me up to attend mass! Ah!

When you used to teach me to stand up and believe. In God, in me. And in you.

Oh and that other ball you took me to, where every one's date gave them their jackets but you didnt even offer yours. You gave me my first ever corsage though and days later when i mentioned the cold that evening, you did have that shame to admit you were too drunk to realise.

That time you watched Buffy for ages with me. And only admitting after like the twelfth episode tat you didnt really enjoy it but watched with me anyway.

Those countless movies we'd watch.

Would it be just as good?

The times I needed someone. And you showed up. Not knowing how very very welcome you really were.

You who convinced me of so many things.

Remember walking around the lake, drenched in rain water, singing "Heaven"? Remember when you made all your family members give me presents because you knew I had no family around last Christmas? Remember when you visited Perth and remembered me? Remember when we were in Kota Kinabalu and we did nothing but take pictures?

Actually, I often do nothing but take photos.

Those nights we'd go out purely to dance.

That unbelievable time I actually played soccer because of you!

Often, we had nothing to do. Very often, we sat in silences, content in each other's prescences. The support was there, the love was unfathomable, the fact that soon soon soon we would be without the other never near our minds.


I spent days at your place, and you let me. You welcomed me in your home and I cherished the welcome mat. Your sisters look nothing like you, except for your youngest. You are my baby girl, and I adore you.

And now that we're not near each other, every small gesture, every small memory that reminds me of you all, I grasp at it, for I know that very soon, I shall make new memories. And you will too. I wonder if I have already slipped from your mind.


2007 is almost over, and I have been alive for over two decades, but it has only been the past few years where I really felt alive.

So, for a moment, I choose to forget that you and you and you and I have moved on with our lives, and that you are all over there and I am over here. I choose to forget that you will not be with me when I turn twenty two, and that I was not there when you and you and you turned another year older. Your important moments, my important moments, spent and recounted in telephone conversations, in texts, in emails, on webcams, on voice chats, in IMs.



Its not the same. I miss you all too much.



I am making new friends, and you all are too.



Because thats how it works, life goes on.

If we could go back, I would. I would change nothing. I regret nothing. And I thank you for everything. You know what I am thankful for.

This entry is a mesh of my angels.

I clutch at the memories because they are all I have.

If I see you again, and you and you and you and you...I pray we will have as much fun, and that it would be just as good, for you who influenced me, who made me feel beautiful, who cherished me and who for in one moment that felt like infinity but it was really only a moment, cemented your place in my heart.

To steal from a famous poet, I carry you in my heart. And I hope 2008 will be grand and include even a few minutes with you all again.

Because I know it would be just as good.