I was addicted to saying things and having them matter to someone

I hope that you are a disaster.

I'm sorry, but I do.

I hope that you are thunder and lightning.

I hope you are a forest fire, I hope you kill the dead wood and burn off the rotting leaves.

With the canopy gone, the sun can get in. You need new growth.

I hope you're terrible and broken and perfect.

-unknown

Its hard to speak about your first anything, be it first sexual experience, first job promotion, first tragic incident in your life, because if its the first,its so personal, and for another,there are no words that can be used to describe anyones first time at anything similarly.

Earlier this month, someone asked me about my first kiss.

My first 'kiss' was in the old choir section of the unairconditioned church I frequent now. I was in a big yellow baggy shirt and my horrendous red pants. I had glasses and my hair was a ponytailed frizzy mess and he kissed me all the same.

Of course, I define 'kiss' as lip to skin contact and a kiss on the cheek but I was 11, and at 11, it was my first contact with a guy who was not my an immediate family member and of course, being 11, at the time, for me it was bigger than what it was.

Now, my first 'real' kiss was of course more tentative then that, and up till this day, I am amazed at the indulgences of youth. I talk as if Im past my youth, haha. Often I feel I am, in comparison to the quick quick quick lives of the youth nowadays. I swear they know more about life by 15 then I did at that age.

So when this young child asked me, I -who can ramble on about anythin and everything, I was blustery and stutterring and all, "YOULL EXPERIENCE IT YOURSELF ONE DAY!"

And they should wait, you know. Nothing like that first kiss. Even before the things that come after, that first kiss encapsulates the entirety of your adolescence and awakens you to experience things beyond the safety net of childhood. Its dangerous. Its exciting. It opens the doors to an infinite number of possible experiences that only you alone can draw the line for your own limits are.

But its infinitely special, and I did tell that young child, that beautiful girl of15, that if she could wait a little bit longer, to kiss someone she really liked instead of just kissing for the opportunity to say youve done it, wait to kiss someone who liked you back and not someone who just wanted a cheap thrill, if she could wait till then, it showed willpower and the strength to go on in life not just settling for any ordinary thing, not just a kiss, I was trying to imply if she could wait for a kiss,she could wait and build the patience and grace to wait and achieve other things.

She nodded.

But I believe half of what I said went in one ear and out the other and the other half,she didnt understand.

Or she didnt want to.

We have all made errors in judgement. I have always thought that if I could take back my first kiss, I would.

Thinking aboutit now, however...no, no I would not. I would do it all over again the same way.

He is not special to me now.

But he really was then.

Moving on some.. yeah, how would you describe your first kiss?

As much as I love to write, I can't describe it.

I think if you talk too much about something, it belittles its importance.

So I suppose thats life milestone Ill keep to myself.

And yes, I would like more. ;)