He trusts me absolutely - I trust he does. And I? I trust him absolutely, to be absolutely human

When you see such photos, you can't help but wonder at just how sweet and sad and innocent all moments of life are rendered by the tripping of a camera's shutter, for at that point the future is still unknown and has yet to hurt us, and also for that brief moment, our poses are accepted as honest.
[generation x - douglas coupland]

I had my nails painted black recently. I was called 'emo' by the youth I serve, and I said,"hey, some drink their sorrows away, others cut. I paint my nails black."

Okay, thats beyond lame, I know. :D

I am an introvert.

Okay, thats a bit of a lie.

If you asked the people I went to university with, I'd assume most would say I was a bit of an extrovert. Aside from being loud, which is an understatement, it also means I tried out for everything and anything that would make my post-graduation curriculum vitae chock full of achievements, participations, leader posts and activities. You name it, chances are I've done it.

I simply exhausted every opportunity, mostly because I wanted the experience, and I didnt want to waste any moment.

But in all honesty, I am more of an introvert, happier alone than in a crowd, than I ever dared to admit.

Lately, I have found myself less and less comfortable in a crowd, though when I used to bask in the attention, I was never fully confident enough to completely pull it off.

I always felt that everyone kind of sort of knew that I wasnt.

Wasn't confident, I mean.

The strange contradiction about me is that while Im extremely self confident about myself in some areas, I am also extremely low self esteemed in others. I am confident enough to leave the house without a dash of makeup on, and I wear whatever I feel like wearing. But that uncomfortable streak which was absent in me during my uber confident university days, its surfacing now more than ever, maybe especially because I am back in the place where my awkward adolescense took place.

I grew up here.

I should be comfortable here.

But as each day passes, who am I kidding?

It has largely to do with the fact that my parents are no longer tied to their missionary contract or their missionary lives. Which makes me happy because now I feel they can move on. However, because I am tied to my parents expectations, I once thought that because they were so active, I should be too. They are no longer tied to the community in Brunei, the community I always proudly claimed was the reason behind my staunch faith.

But lately, after everything Ive witnessed and experienced, I'm not so sure anymore.

Though I want to serve, truly.

I'm just not so sure what for anymore.

And if Im serving just out of routine, I may as well not.

So I gotta make sense of that and figure that out myself.

And forgive me if I repeat myself, but I am also becoming more and more of an introvert lately.

Truly.

Nothing beats staying home and just pampering yourself with a drink and a good movie. A friend or two over? Heaven on earth.

Ah, there are just so many people and places I am so damn tired of.

So superficial. I don't understand how they can be. Or maybe I just can't relate.

Even drinking is less appealing. Could I possibly, *gasp*, finally have outgrown it?

Nah.

If it wasnt so illegal here...hmm. Food for thought.

I still throw myself at work, at church, among the handful of associates who are slowly but surely becoming my friends. Lifelong ones? Maybe not. But transcendant ones necessary in this phase of my life? Surely.

And yes, I should feel so at home. I spent fifteen years here growing up here, for eff's sake.

So (no matter how 'emo' this sounds) why do I feel lately more and more like a tourist looking for her way home?

But on a happier note, I looked at my receipts lately, of money I've been able to send to my parents and so on and so forth. I was a bit surprised. I've actually been able to send that much?

I've been able to help that much?

*whistles*

At this point in my life, I am financially independant from my parents.

Not emotionally though.

And if nothing else...

That has to be an accomplishment.