After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn...
With every goodbye you learn.
~Veronica A. Shoffstall
Goodbye to old, hello to new
my heart pounds with thoughts of you.
I am uncertain, my life changes.
I wanted to go back to the Philippines.
Then Typhoon Ondoy happened.
Screws up every single plan.
Unless my plan wasnt right to begin with.
Que sera sera.
*HUGS* TOTAL! give wellmaybetomorrow more *HUGS*
Get hugs of your own
With every goodbye you learn.
Have patience, God isnt finished yet.
Its like, you're hurting and the pain is such that you can't function normally. And you wonder if broken hearts and tainted souls can ever really be whole again. If you were a cynic and think, Ill just pause and wait till this passes, then I'll live again. But, this life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's more about learning to dance in the rain, and if you are very blessed, you already have your dance partners in the form of your loved ones and their laughter for your music.
So, to rip off a popular song, when it rains, lets kick off our worries and lets..just dance.
I'm trying so hard to be a better person, an this journey of self renewal is so tough. But Im going to keep at it because I just know the person I want to be does exist, she's not a fictional character, and somewhere on the other side of hard work and a lot of faith, and belief beyond the heartache and fear of life, I'll meet her one day.
Latest Youtube find:
Where have I been? She's fantastic.
Ever wondered what Mileys song The Climb would sound like with better singers?
The company trip to Singapore was fantastic and a half. Lots of team bonding, meeting of Singapore suppliers, tours, reunions with old friends and sheer fun. I also managed to track down the Dead Sea Scrolls exhibit. Which Ill post up soon and it deserves its own post! Next post.
I went for a massage again today, conveniently enough its right about coffee bean. I worry about my back, it always hurts after about a month. It could be the atrocious posture I have though! This lady knows my body now though so its all good.
Watched Tsunami today. I cried. A lot. Its very good. Even if I forgot myself and made too much noise in the cinema...
I am aiming for a siesta filled raya holidays.
Too much of your twenties can be wasted on insecurity and worrying about what others think
And, after all, what is a lie? 'Tis but the truth in masquerade.
-- Lord Byron
Its been a turbulent past few weeks, and there's been a few shifts and re shifts of people I once considered my friends and those I considered my not so friends. Turns out, when I put people in clear cut boxes like that, I was wrong.
You'd think I would and should know about true friendship by now, but I still get surprised when my definition of it is in question. It would seem that even at 23, I can somehow manage to still get it all so wrong.
And yet, I'm glad I was wrong. I learned the hard way, and yet I learned. Its better learning than not learning at all. I have to re-learn you see, because I have moved so much, left so many people, had so many people leave me, that its hard realising when I am stationary for longer than 6 months at any given place, friend dynamics? They change.
I just need to wrap my head around the fact that friendships do evolve beyond the superficial and I am quite appreciative of the current crop of people I consider my friends right now. And I hope they consider me their friend too.
Because you guys truly are and no matter what, I will carry you in my heart always.
**
I had a girls night the other night and it was practically sinful what we ate! But we didnt care, we threw all care out the window and it was such a great night. I had not had a proper girl talk with these girls for a long time and it was really good relearning and learning what make them tick. They are such a strong and beautiful bunch of women and I am so proud to have them in my life. Together, we will make it on this crazy path of life, and even if not together, I hope we have already made an impact on each other that will stand the test of time and memories.
**
He told me he would never leave me.
My fear is that he has already left.
**
My parents just celebrate 32 years of marriage together. Thirty Two Years.
Latest pic I have, I pulled it of facebook! They met Bishop briefly during his last visit.
They dont make marriage like they used to! Now thats a love I wish to emulate.
..they are getting more facebook savvy, however, and my mom has said she wants to put up her 21 year old pic. Oh man oh man...technology these days!
**
I am getting older and things I used to enjoy no longer hold the same mystique or fascination. I get annoyed at people who constantly talk about getting drunk just because they have nothing better to do (dont get me wrong, Im cool with it once in a while but to do it constantly and NOT in moderation just screams of not being able to let your youth go doesnt it, or trying too hard?). I am annoyed at cliques. I am annoyed at loud music and loud sounds hurt my ears. I like quiet nights in. I need my sleep. I cant go without it anymore. I eat breakfast. I think this generation has a gaping lack of good music and movies and books. I wish they had what I had. I wear what I want and not what I think people think I should (if that makes sense).
I want to be more practical now. I want to make my future tangible. I want to commit to my obligations.
Its official. Its a proclamation I don't deny anymore.
I am getting old.
And there's something almost poetic about coming to terms with that.
we will all go our separate ways, but we carry a little bit of each other everywhere
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And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have
"That's the funny thing about memory, isn't it? We are not what we remember of ourselves,
we are what people say we are. They project upon us their convictions. We are nothing but blank screens."
Ashley Greene
I have this tendency to make plans just for the sake of having them. Its only recently that I've come to terms with the outrageous idea that having some alone time to yourself is not only extremely refreshing but also very needed. Come to terms with and acted upon.
Maybe its because I'm getting older. Maybe its because I feel like I have nothing else to do that I have not already done. I feel like there are only so many times you can rehash the same old scene. Maybe if I was not here, I would eat my words, but in the here and in the now, my own company with a dash of good friends and family, is all I really need at the end of the day.
I came to work (after taking a day off yesterday) and my colleagues were cautious. Overly cautious. Paranoid cautious (maybe even enjoying making me nervous cautious!) I decided to go to the doctor during lunch just to get my colleagues to lay off, and hopefully get a clean bill of health, particularly over the recent cases of H1N1. The doctor more or less laughed at my worry and sent me away with cough syrup and paracetamol. Epic, I tell you.
The company trip to Singapore has been postponed, which has made me quite sad. I was so excited.
Its the last year of the decade. How bizarre.
I'm on an old tv show kick lately, and Ive been scouring the internet and dvd places for shows like The Wonder Years, Saved By The Bell, the original 90210, Dawsons Creek. Im also re watching movies of that era like The Breakfast Club, Clueless, My Girl 1 and 2. It takes me back to another time and place, and nostalgia spills over when I sit back and let the show make me feel young again.
Or young-ish anyway.
I am loving my re-interest in blogging. I hope it lasts. I am appalled at how little I have been writing in because Ive been so darn busy lately...
And everything depends upon, how near you stand to me
Calm in quietude is not real calm.
When you can be calm in the midst of activity,
this is the true state of nature.
Happiness in comfort is not real happiness.
When you can be happy in the midst of hardship,
then you see the true potential of the mind.
-Huanchu Daoren
An embrace in wordsI was sick so I met my neighbor today. We have been living as neighbors for a long time but today, I was sick and needed to call my office because today I was out of credit and I didn't want to walk to the pasar malam to get any in my state. I knocked on her door with wild hair and a grouchy voice and a plea to use her phone and she welcomed me all the same.
I haven't been able to sleep properly the past weeks and its finally showing. I woke up with a fever and body aches like no ones business and a tendency to throw up every few minutes.
But you didnt need to know all that.
My neighbour on the other hand is amazing. In the few hours I spent being all sick in her living room, she sorted me out with great conversation, a full on proper body massage and dinner. At the very least, I also think Ive made a new friend.
And good friends are always so hard to find these days.
In other news, I need to sleep now so I can go to work at least semi functional tomorrow.
everyone is going to hurt you in the end/ maybe sometimes you just need to know who are worth being hurt for
the day the earth ends, will be chaos.
people crowding the airport, screams, cries,
hugs, kisses, people trying to find their
loved ones, & phone lines being slowed
down by the millions of phone calls & texts being
sent by people trying to tell other's
things they never said. never take a day
for granted, and never let one crucial
thought or feeling go unspoken. there
will be a day when that chance expires.
-unknown
My heart hurts.
And not in the cliche sense of love found and lost. Not unless its in regards to friends, which maybe it is in this case.
Ever since I found out that on the DISC graph that I am an I with a D tendency, more and more do I think back to when I was younger and come to terms with the realization that I have not always been an I. No, I truly believe I am a learned I, because when I was younger, I did not get along with people and I certainly did not make friends as easily as I can now.
Or as I can then.
See, I was a shy child and an awkward adolescent and it was only late high school and uni that I broke away from that shell. I liked me then.
But the me then has lived out her phase and another part of me needs to get her turn to realise her potential.
But why?
Because Im finally tired. After years of being a learned I, the under currents of my true nature are coming out and I am not really that people oriented. Truth be told. If I let myself be, I am happiest alone or with max one or two other people. I cannot handle what Ive been putting myself through especially for the past two years ever since I came back here. Being an I is all I know. But what worked for uni wont work in the 'real' world. I am not sure what my 'true' nature is. But I dont think its people oriented. At least not at such a high I level. And I need to find out what I am if I don't always automatically go to my default I setting.
I just cant stand it anymore.
No matter what I do, its just not good enough for the very people whom I am trying to serve. Obviously, since Im not being me. Its MY fault, for showing them just a sliver of what I am and them taking it to mean thats me in my entirety. I never corrected them either, did I? No, it was much easier this way, I thought. Obviously not.
I think I'm done. I'm done. I am sick and tired of initiating activities, initiating all these things that at the end of the day no one really wants to do anyway and just blames me if I somehow falter under the strain of YET ANOTHER DECISION. Pardon me if I should be indecisive, Im 23 and Im not that certain of things yet, ok? They tell me all I do is initiate and I dont follow through. What about all the people I try to bring in? Have they ever tried? Have they even brought one friend in? What about the current friends I text/email/msn/fb to coax to come? Does that mean squat? Apparently.
Then guess what, if 'all I do is initiate and be loud', and thats how highly you think of my ideas and the time (not to mention credit and thick facedness) I spend trying to contact people, and you all have much better ideas, THEN YOU COME UP WITH THEM!
I am just burned out of all this, under the weight of everything else. My personal life is in shambles, my work is under pressure, my family is far away, the people I serve with dont seem to want to know anything about me unless its the loud airhead clumsy happy go lucky side they can all handle and are used to but sometimes I break so PARDON ME, PARDON ME if just right now, just at this time I CANNOT DECIDE. Because this is one of those times.
Lately I'm going through some issues. And its affecting everything Ive hoped to achieve by now. I can barely sleep at night, my massive eye bags are an indication and my glasses are not doing a good job of hiding them anymore, and when I am awake, I fall asleep at the most random of places. I think my body is stealing power naps. I have a short fuse lately and all I want to do is be alone.
I will follow through with my last few initiations. But its been a year now and I should step away. Its clearly not working as well as it could with me being me and if fresh blood is what it needs, then that could be exactly what I need to be able to step back and just be told what to do since clearly I cannot make decisions.
And thats okay with me. I am a learned I.
I need to stop learning to be an I, throw away all these preconceptions, stop trying to fit the part of everyones expectations of me and just finally try to me again, whoever me is.
And if that means taking a step back..
Then so be it.
My heart hurts and I cant sleep. Its almost 4 am.
My secrets have spilled.
every moment before this one depends on this one
"I like to see people reunited, I like to see people run to each other, I like the kissing and the crying, I like the impatience, the stories that the mouth can't tell fast enough, the ears that aren't big enough, the eyes that can't take in all of the change, I like the hugging, the bringing together, the end of missing someone."
-Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
Thats my baby James. But these are old pictures. He's 7 months old now and much bigger and wow he's going to be so tall! I cant wait till I can bribe er coax him with ice cream and toys!!
~*
Like a glutton for punishment, I turned around and despite the alarm bells, the fear, the OHNOYOUSHOULDNT, I stepped purposefully back toward the very person I had heartbreakingly said goodbye to not long ago. It was like a trap we both knew we had to avoid and yet, here we go. Again.
I hope this is my last again with you because I dont think my heart can take it anymore.javascript:void(0)
~*~
I think Madonna was amazing to do this on her site:
He was the King of Pop and she is clearly the queen.
Despite the controversy he has been awash in his entire life, I just know his music has been so influential (In The Closet, Black and White, Scream, Remember The Time...hot hot hot videos!) and there will never be another MJ. I was rooting for his comeback esp the 50 concerts dates and now Im devastated he will never be able to rise above the sh*t people were giving him.
In a world awash with forgettable music and 15 minute fame seekers, he is a legend.
No, ladies and gentlemen, I retract my statement.
He was NOT the King of Pop. He was the entire freaking kingdom and with him gone we have a music landscape filled with forgettables and 15 min fame seekers.
This made me sad:
Alright he has a mixed legacy, particularly with what happened in his latter years. But Macaulay Culkin went on trial to DEFEND him and said NOTHING happened..But I just cant believe someone who moulded my childhood is now gone. Everyone seemed to forget he's just human and expected him to churn out hit after hit, after controvery after controversy time and time again. He's just human and his death showed his vulnerability and fragile being.
But Im happy he's in a better place now. He was living a life filled with injustice and I guess now he can finally rest in peace.
~*
Im getting older. I cant handle all night drinking sessions anymore and I cant function without sleep! I hate it. I was so blur at work the next day haha! I used to mock my then 20 year old friends when I was in uni but now, I totally know what they feel. I feel OLD and my back hurts and I feel creaky in the knees and wah!
This sucks.
But Id do it all again any day.
But maybe with a weeks rest in between?!
~*
I am trying to be healthy and I bought a 25 pack of green tea early June to drink at work so I wont be tempted by coffee or easy to order ABCs or a drink at Coffeebean.
June is coming to an end.
I have 13 packets left. WHAT!?
~*
I watched Angels and Daemons. Now, Ive read the book ages ago and I knew exactly what to expect.
Or so I thought.
Seeing it live on screen was a whole different matter and I swear my heart hurt plenty of times throughout the film. I was saddened.
But Im glad they said about the Catholic Faith,"My mind tells me I'll never understand faith. An my heart tells me Im not meant to."
If nothing else, it was nicely put.
~*
Julys just around the corner and its been such a good year thus far! I hope the rest of 2009 is just as good or even better!
Sometimes there are things that silence can say that no other words could do justice
"Some things should just be done for the fun of it.
Not because they're inexpensive, practical, organic, logical, fashionable, modest, brilliant, green, expected, proper, spiritual, thinning, fattening, prudent, or allergen-smoke-chemical free."
- Mike Dooley, "Notes from The Universe"-
Smarties Nestle ice cream is great blended with hersheys chocolate and marshmallows.
The Sheratons teppanyaki ice cream is soooo gooood.
I learned how to burn lasagne sauce last weekend. Haha!
Work deadlines are easy to meet if I dont surf while working! Who would have thought!? :P
I learned on the DISC graph, I am an I, with a D tendency.
Sushi is yummy. I heart Excapade, even if Kaizen is better.
I like buying new underwear. It makes me feel pretty.
I am secretly flattered that this girl calls me future sis in law even though her brother and I have never met. She wants us to be together. But no matter how you slice or dice it, the sister approval is so hard to get. I dont think anything will happen when I meet er her brother eventually but its sweet nonetheless.
Its been four months today. *sigh*
I learned that changing your shampoo goes a long way and using hair vitamins is a smart move.
I learned that I need to stop procrastinating.
I learned Im still amazing at card games. Fun times.
The above broke my fangirl heart. :(
I watch too much tv. The internet is your friend.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is a completely pointless update.
Beauty is knowing that if you listen closely enough -- you can hear the whole world breathing
The inside jokes weren't jokes anymore.
They had become stories.
Nobody brought up the bad names or the bad times and nobody felt sad
as long as we could postpone tomorrow with more nostalgia.
-The Perks Of Being A Wallflower
Long ago, I thought I wanted to write. It was in the very same breath, however, that told me there are parts of me that also wants to just be able to sit and analyze and pore over numbers, part of me that wants to take things apart and put them back together again, a part of me that wants to teach, a part of me that wants to dance and even another part of me that wants to go out and meet people and represent them to the world as an entirely repackaged thing altogether. You know, marketing. Im talking about career moves but I suppose you can take the above as you wish.
Is it so crazy to theorize that if I were to force myself into a single role, to decide that I would be just one thing and one thing only for the entirety of my existence, I would in effect be killing off large parts of whatever it is that makes me me? That I would in essence be in danger of closing off all possibilities of me becoming whatever else I could become?
So, screw all then whining and quasi emo behavior of late.
I, therefore, recognize that I will love now and only now.
I will do what I want to do at this moment.
I will plan for tomorrow but not live in the future.
I have decided.
I will stop basing my life on what I decided was best for me yesterday.
*~*
Its a well perpetuated myth that when you're young, you think nothing will ever hurt you.
You are invincible, with your whole life ahead of you, and big big plans lain forth.
You will find your perfect life completing soul mate.
So what if you are just 18? You really do have it all figured out.
Then you get older and the bubble bursts.
*POP*
It wont be until the end of your life that you realize how the plans you made were simply plans.
Its at the end when you've reached the finished line, when you're looking back instead of forward..
Thats when you want to believe that you made the most of what life gave you.
And of course you want to believe that you're leaving something good behind.
The bottom line is..
You want it all to have mattered.
And hopefully...
If you did just the right things...
Or even if you did all the wrong things..
Somehow or other..
It will.
~*~
My life is a spiral of sorts and its a hustle and bustle of activities, so much so that I had to put my foot down and have a self imposed curfew on myself for some 'ME' time.
Sometimes all you want to do is curl up with a drink (alcoholic or otherwise) and a good movie in bed.
..wow, I *am* getting old.
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end
When the Nazis came for the communists,
I remained silent;
I was not a communist.
When they locked up the social democrats,
I remained silent;
I was not a social democrat.
When they came for the trade unionists,
I did not speak out;
I was not a trade unionist.
When they came for the Jews,
I remained silent;
I was not a Jew.
When they came for me,
there was no one left to speak out.
--Martin Niemöller
I ran into my very first best friend 11 years ago last night. Wow, cue the surprise. It was weird speaking to him again as its been as if he and I have the same roots and yet we are such different people from how we were 11 years ago (of course). And yet we're still very much the same.
He has grown in his confidence though, and his aura is that of a man now. He is no longer the child I traded Archie comics with and read stories with and played imaginary games with. We reminisced about how much we have grown apart and yet we did not lie and claim we missed each other.
We drifted obviously over the years and we meandered through the crazy teenage angst and adolescence without each other, even the college years passed by without much of a connection. No, a lie. We met. WIthout much fanfare, 4 years ago. It was so painfully awkward that I couldnt believe he was my best friend when I was a child who punched a bully for me and made his nose bleed. It was hard to connect the child he was with the strange 16 year old I met. He seemed so cold.
He was completely changed and I left the meeting with a heartache and wanted to cry.
But a few years on, he seems to have turned out alright. Much better, in fact. An intelligent sensitive kind of guy, fun and interesting.
I am conceited.
And I like to think I had a part to play 11 years ago.
and I dont need to forget myself by means of alcohol or drugs
"You see, freedom has a way of destroying things..."
Scott Westerfeld (Uglies Series)
I may not be very good at decluttering my room.
But my blog really needed a new layout. Thoughts if any, are welcomed.
I went to an Easter party last night. I love how people pretend they dont want to karaoke and then end up being the ones who wont let the mics go, tsk. Smartie chocolate cake and wine surprisingly is not a bad mix.
I can't believe how stupid I am when it comes to him. I pride myself in being strong, independent and all the jazz that comes from that Destinys Child song and yet Im letting myself be thwarted time and time again and I keep going back for more. I should be smarter than this.
I have cut off a lot of friendships.
I have made new ones.
I cant help but ache for my lost friendships though. This is why I don't keep photo albums. Sometimes old photos stir up painful memories of friendships that no longer exist.
Her farewell was Saturday night. I didnt go because I was legitimately preoccupied being a godmother *squee*. Pictures when I get them but yes, strange as it may seem, I have a second godchild now!
Speaking of pictures!
Baby James time!
He is adorable!
And he totally knows me now. He's so well behaved and whenever he sees me, we play and Im just all omg, my uterus gets all tingly. I've told my parents to enjoy him though. I don't see myself with child for a long long time!
He's barely four months! He's massive! He's going to be so tall!
...No, im not REALLY a crazy doting aunt =)
But gosh, he's beautiful. :) SO CUTE!!!!!
Excuse me, I must go, my dormant maternal instincts woke up and are telling me to sleep now..
I'm so incoherent tonight. I should just sleep...but my mind just won't turn off tonight.
"'What do you think of God," the teacher asked. After a pause, the young pupil replied, 'He's not a think, he's a feel.'"
"Certain thoughts are prayers. There are moments when, whatever be the attitude of the body, the soul is on its knees"
~Victor Hugo
Hush.
Its Good Friday, and while to the entire world may just let it pass by, its an ultimate day for ever the devout Catholic, and even for the the not so devout, for its the day, traditionally held, that the movie Passion of The Christ comes into fruition and every lash, every scourging, every piercing that happened in that movie
comes to life.
For every blow struck, for every spit spat out, for every taunt.
While most people believe Christmas is the manifestation of what being a Catholic is, I strongly disagree.
Today of all days is the cornerstone of my faith. Its the movie Passion of the Christ come alive.
For all the media drama about Christmas and the hush of the birth of Christ, pause. Reflect.
Good Friday is really what its all about.
Its a different kind of hush today.
We're the people that we wanted to know and we're the places that we wanted to go.
"It seems to me that you need a lot of courage, or a lot of something, to enter into others, into other people. We all think that everyone else lives in fortresses, in fastnesses: behind moats, behind sheer walls studded with spikes and broken glass. But in fact we inhabit much punier structures. We are, it turns out, all jerry-built. Or not even. You can just stick your head under the flap of the tent and crawl right in. If you get the okay."
Martin Amis
Yesterday, I donated pieces of my childhood to raise funds for the youth fund in my parish. Looking back now, I should have priced them higher. Or I shouldn't have sold some at all.
I know people wont understand the passion, no, thats not quite right..the hunger, the addiction, the obsessiveness I have when it comes to reading. I thirst. I savor. Be it prose, poetry, novels, short stories, mere sentences and quick quotes, I have always been lured by the power of the written word.
And selling them was quite unnerving but it had to be done. I couldn't still hang on to the books I purchased when I was 11 now...could I?
(OKAY, I originally had 3 boxes full of books. But it whittled down to one. I just couldn't bear it!)
Its not really a big deal, in the greater scale of things. But you know, I was quite an introvert as an young adolescent, and wow was I much happier reading than I was interacting with people and you could literally single me out as being quite the social retard (which must seem weird now given how much of an extrovert Ive become). My social interactions were painful then and I always knew I could come home to the stillness and quietness of my books.
And I sold my version of another person's security blanket at $1 a pop. Just because I don't need them so much anymore.
I think I owe it to my childhood to be just a tad guilty right about now.
~*~
Guess who's going to be a sponsor again this Easter? =D
~*~
I should go to her farewell.
But its quite fake when I know Im quite happy to see her leave.
~*~
I only rewatch the Passion of the Christ once a year. The first time I watched it, I remember clearly, was in my friend's dorm room, and we gathered, Muslims, buddhists, Catholics alike, to watch it.
I knew every word.
Obviously.
And I know it made everyone tear up.
Its quite an emotional experience, this movie.
So Im preparing myself for it this year! I *will not* cry.
Or I probably will.
~*~
The weather is horrible. Scorching heat and sudden showers do not mix.
Its not any wonder Im reaching for my meds now. *sigh*
I hope I, along with everyone else, has a quite blessed Holy week.
we all lie to ourselves to be happy.
"....getting drunk, and flashing your breasts isn't an act of personal empowerment. It's you, so fashioned and programmed by the construct of patriarchal society that you no longer know what's best for yourself.
A damsel too dumb to even know she's in distress."
-Chuck Palahniuk(sp?), Snuff
The quote struck me. Because I see so many young women going crazy much too fast and much too soon. And they believe its empowering.
This will never get as much airplay as Katy but:
Also. If you seek Amy is not as innocent as it first sounded.
Earth Hour came and went. I didn't feel a pinch.
I am not as certain of the world as I was yesterday because of happenings today.
I love my family and I'm terrified beyond terrified of the ramifications of some certain decisions.
I am always waiting, waiting, waiting.
I hope this time I waited for something worthwhile.
Its such a long night and yet I don't want tomorrow to come. Ever feel that way? When the night has been all you could ask for. Tomorrow just doesn't seem fair..
Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I've ever known.
Everyone sang 'Amazing Grace' in various strains of dodgy disharmony. And I didn't feel like a wretch, and I didn't feel saved but maybe no one else did either, maybe they were just singing. Maybe it was the being together that counted.
-Simmone Howell
***
It is very refreshing to meet seemingly unspoiled 15 year olds these days, because so many of them are more like her.
She runs to her friends and talks about her latest boyfriend, her latest new handbag, her latest thrill. She is 15 and she talks and blogs about herself and her life as if she's gotten the whole world figured out. I wish I could reach out and tell her that being 15 is so beautiful and she should not, simply should not waste it by trying to dress and act 18.
Its not wrong...but this world and its media has corrupted you and made you think what you're doing is okay. That name calling and tagging others is okay. That keeping up with the joneses wont make you lose yourself (it will) and that money and beauty have become the new gods (they havent).
So you indulge.
Too much, too fast, too soon.
Growing up so fast is not healthy.
Ask us grown ups.
We're the ones watching you and wishing you wouldnt waste your teen years away. Plenty more years down the line for your to act older, and thats when the time will actually call for it.
Not now, child. Not yet.
But I will never reach out and tell her this. Even if I ache to.
Like me at 15, I would not have listened to me.
I hope that she at 23 won't regret what she missed out on by simply being 15.
I turn to watch her.
And its like she's already gone.
***
I've been cutting back on things this lenten season, and its been very hard. I went for confession and I poured out my hurts and my sins and my tears and I get told to pray 3 Hail Marys, a penance which does not befit my load. But who am i to judge? Who am I to reckon? Maybe the penance is not meant to equal the weight of your sins because I really think had they been equal, Id still be on my 30th decade of the rosary by now.
***
Money.
Career.
Its all so insignificant in the grand scale of thing. So many have been in my place, in your position and so many have lived our lives and gone on their ways.
I am just another and only one.
Life is so short.
If you're only living for you...technically you're really already gone.
***
we barely have time to react in this world/ let alone rehearse
Breathe in for luck,
breathe in so deep,
this air is blessed,
you share with me.
This night is wild,
so calm and dull,
these hearts they race,
from self control.
- Dashboard Confessional
Twenty Five Things (That You Should Be Doing Too):
1. I think Im glad I met Jack Daniels.
2. I grew up with the mantra sleep was for the weak and have pulled one too many allnighters or no sleepers. I have only recently discovered that sleeping early and waking up early actually is good for you. Who would have thought?
3. I am addicted to rebonding/flatironing my hair because I grew up with horribly frizzy wavy hair and to this day I have to pat my hair down to make sure its really not curly every few minutes.
4. I beat Mrs Clements, my English form 1 (or 2?) teacher in scrabble when I was 11 or 12.
5. I love doing my laundry because the smell of fresh laundry makes me smile.
6. I can burn eggs. Its quite sad.
7. Im photogenic and my pictures fool people because Im not as great looking in real life.
8. When I first heard about the Twilight buzz, I clicked on online excerpts. I thought what I read was fanfiction and was so upset at how badly written the fanfiction was until friends reassured me I was reading the real deal. I was not impressed, even if I squealed like a bloody 15 year old in the cinemas.
9. I say the rosary as I walk to work in the mornings. It calms me down and prepares me for the day ahead.
10. I created my msn address when I was 13. Ive had it for 10 years now and I am still half uncertain about changing it because of the sentimental value, even if it is a horribly silly address.
11. I have been blogging since I was 15, on various sites. Ive sampled wordpress, vox, livejournal, diaryland, multiply, friendster, you name it, Ive tried it. Im settling on blogspot for now but only because Im too busy to switch.
12. I am a sucker for anything acoustic and guys/girls who can play the guitar and play it well fascinate me.
13. I always suspect I have a mild case of trichotillomania.
14. I am very flexible and I like scaring people by showing them how freaky my fingers are and suddenly doing a split.
15. The sense that I least use is my sense of smell. I know people who can smell something from a mile away but I cant, and perfumes have never been anything particularly interesting for me. I spritz colognes but I normally dont use anything, which is something Im not sure I should have admitted.
16. When I was in uni, I had mad drinking skillz. Or maybe I was just mad. Whatever the case, I look back now and really wonder what I was thinking then but I dont doubt that some of those days will probably rank right up there as some of the best days of my life.
17. I enjoy the hustle and bustle of public transport in the form or trains, monorails, trikes, taxis, buses what have you, and I thrived using public transport in Australia, Singapore, Malaysia etc. Its only in Brunei I suffer where public transport ends by 6 pm. Seriously.
18. I was born after one miscarriage and one 'blue' baby (she had a hole in her heart) so when I survived, I think it was a foreshadowing of how stubborn Id be and am.
19. When I was 17, I found out I could tie a cherry stalk into a knot with my tongue and this has started a compulsion for me to tie shorter and shorter cherry stalks into knots with my tongue and when i fail, I literally feel like Ive failed at something life altering.
20. People dont think about you as much as you think they do.
21. I cried tears of joy when I saw Pope Benedict XVI.
22. I really like painful massages because I like the aftermath burning sensation in my back. One masseuse exclaimed that she felt I needed to go to the doctor and check if my nerves were alright because 'normal' people would have cried bloody murder with the pressure she was applying on me.
23. I am almost 90% deaf in my right ear and I often cant tell how loud I am.
24. I type with my middle finger of my right hand and index finger on my left. Im sorry, computer studies teachers, you failed at having that lesson of typing properly stick.
25. I think every once in a while, you should just let go and dance.
There are two types of people in the world/ those who prefer to be sad with others and those who prefer to be sad alone
"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles."
Audrey Hepburn
Breakfast at Tiffanys is a great song but long before that song, there was the movie I watched it yesterday and it was amazing. One of those classic films everyone should be exposed to, really.
Steamboat, wine, chocolate cake, massages, ice cream and heartfelt conversation..sounds like a recipe for a great date but it was what happened yesterday with a bunch of very good friends. Hearts and love.
I havent blogged about KL, but I will another day. It was truly a reawakening for me and completely rejuvenating!
Main reason for updating is to affirm that sometimes really outstandingly horribly painful bad things have to happen to you in order for you to grow and perhaps nudge you that much closer to God. I had the shock of my life the other day, no joke, but when it happened, it was the catalyst to be trying something entirely new, which i would not have done had the bad thing not happened and I wouldnt be so thrilled about the opportunity now! Im being vague but will confirm news when its obviously confirmed, lovelies.
Much prayers needed as its *insert your cuss word here for emphasis* marvelous.
Life, how beautiful yet utterly perplexing you are.
It is the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.
my heart is in my hands
my head is in the clouds
my feet have left the ground
my life is turning around and round
and every voice inside my head is tellin' me to run like mad
oh bows and arrows
stars and sunset hey hey hey yeah hey hey hey yeah
every heartbeat every kiss just
makes me wonder what all this is
suits of armor, hearts and arrows hey hey hey yeah
-Run Like Mad - Jann Arden
Lingerie, a drink up, a slice of birthday cake with a candle on it, an unopened bottle of JD and baileys!, shiny purple flat shoes, new makeup, new hair products (squee!), two new planners, a fruit basket, new bag, a restaurant singing me happy birthday and an amazing surprise birthday cake with twenty three candles on it.
Wow. Im so touched.
And the best part is its not even my birthday yet, and I still have the blessed weekend, Chinese New Year and Kuala Lumpur goodness to look forward to <3.
*
I don't have many good friends here in Brunei.
In fact, if I were to be completely honest, I can count on less than two hands ,maybe even just one, how many actually truly care about me beyond a certain tolerance and need to have to put up with me because its the politically correct and easier thing to do. You know, easier to pretend to be my friend and be the perfect hypocrite than to actually let me know how to be a better person? Yeah, that type of friend.
Because lets also own up to the fact that I'm not the easiest person to deal with. I could list all my flaws which I am aware of but you know, I dont have 24 hours to spare.
For ages, I've wanted to change. But Im torn between two people, the person I want to be and the person I'm expected to be and very often the lines separating the two are blurred.
...whoa. Its like the 15 year old me just surfaced and tried to be all emo and melodramatic in that sentence.
But you know what I mean.
Bottom line is, Im a hard character to take.
And those who can take me are prizes to be kept and I feel like I've won somehow.
*
Its been raining cats and dogs, flash floods occuring, the underpass sunken under water, electricity, telecommunications and water being cut off due to the floods, its been crazy.
I've always loved the rain.
This is just too much, especially after the two deaths reported, so many homes being lost and people left without belongings, and Im praying it will let up soon.
*
your destiny is not tied to the people who walked away
Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal.
Live this day as if it were your last.
The past is over and gone.
The future is not guaranteed.”
-Wayne Dyer
One of the hardest things I have ever done was letting a prize like you go. Believe me. Again. Ending things again. When we've come so far. But you and I both know this may be as far as we can go together. And this is the final end.
You've run the race with me side by side, and even pulled me up when I was struggling and waited for me to catch up when I thought I couldn't take another step. You gave me water and you gave me energy and you gave me the strength to take that next stride.
You who made me laugh and held me when I cried and you who understood when I ranted and defended me when I needed it (even when I didnt deserve to be). You who danced with me even though dancing is not your thing and you who actually enjoyed the sound of me singing. You who reached out when i pulled away. You who made me feel beautiful and you who taught me the difference between..well. You know.
You who made me feel everything and nothing all at once, my silence in the crowd, my song and my dance, my rock.
Its been a very very good almost 3 years with you. And I will treasure every memory and every breath taken in your presence. You will always be my wonderwall and I am just so sorry I couldn't wait any longer.
I just hope that years from now when you remember me you remember the good things. Because you truly were a good thing in my life. I want that to continue.
But you know my terms.
Im just so sorry. I did not mean to make you cry. I did not mean to make you hope. You want me to wait but I can't wait forever, you really must choose NOW. I cant wait, not when the future is this uncertain. I agonized over this decision, please, dont you believe I made it in one day.
I know youre reading this. Or at least you used to. Is this it? Are you just going to erase me from your life? We're more than that. You know we are.
I'll be crushed if you tell me you dont know we are.
And dont you dare say you dont know we are simply to crush me.
Me leaving you will not crush you.
You are a magnificent fabulous catch.
You are an amazing amazing person.
Me leaving you will crush me eventually.
But don't flatter me into thinking for one second me leaving you will really affect you in the long run. You will be amazing.
With or without me.
*
I stumbled upon Anna Nalick accidentally but now I am very much a fan. The song embedded is probably her most famous one but mind you, she really does have many others.
yeah. Anna Nalick. Check her out.
Over the weekend, I spent time with different groups of friends and came to the conclusion that once people are broken in one way or another, they can't be fixed. Or they can be. But if you try to fix people before they are ready to be, and unless youre ready for that, you'll just end up cutting yourself in the process on the shards of their brokenness. So when you can't hack it, even when you know you should do something, you close one eye. And leave them broken.
Because its just the easier way out.
And that is sort of something nobody ever bothers to tell you tells you when you are young and yet it never fails to take you by surprise as the years go by, as you slowly but surely see the people in your life break one by one.
It scares you.
And maybe only to yourself, you wonder when your turn is going to be.
Or even more silently, you wonder if it's already happened.
And you think back and wonder if it really was the easier choice leaving everyone else so broken.
