& I hope at this point/ youre on your way to where you want to end up

With every goodbye you learn.

2009-11-11T18:25:00.003+08:00

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn...
With every goodbye you learn.

~Veronica A. Shoffstall

Goodbye to old, hello to new
my heart pounds with thoughts of you.

I am uncertain, my life changes.

I wanted to go back to the Philippines.

Then Typhoon Ondoy happened.

Screws up every single plan.

Unless my plan wasnt right to begin with.

Que sera sera.

Have patience, God isnt finished yet.

2009-09-20T01:33:00.005+08:00

Its like, you're hurting and the pain is such that you can't function normally. And you wonder if broken hearts and tainted souls can ever really be whole again. If you were a cynic and think, Ill just pause and wait till this passes, then I'll live again. But, this life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's more about learning to dance in the rain, and if you are very blessed, you already have your dance partners in the form of your loved ones and their laughter for your music.

So, to rip off a popular song, when it rains, lets kick off our worries and lets..just dance.

I'm trying so hard to be a better person, an this journey of self renewal is so tough. But Im going to keep at it because I just know the person I want to be does exist, she's not a fictional character, and somewhere on the other side of hard work and a lot of faith, and belief beyond the heartache and fear of life, I'll meet her one day.

Latest Youtube find:

Where have I been? She's fantastic.

Ever wondered what Mileys song The Climb would sound like with better singers?

The company trip to Singapore was fantastic and a half. Lots of team bonding, meeting of Singapore suppliers, tours, reunions with old friends and sheer fun. I also managed to track down the Dead Sea Scrolls exhibit. Which Ill post up soon and it deserves its own post! Next post.

I went for a massage again today, conveniently enough its right about coffee bean. I worry about my back, it always hurts after about a month. It could be the atrocious posture I have though! This lady knows my body now though so its all good.

Watched Tsunami today. I cried. A lot. Its very good. Even if I forgot myself and made too much noise in the cinema...

I am aiming for a siesta filled raya holidays.

Too much of your twenties can be wasted on insecurity and worrying about what others think

2009-08-26T01:40:00.006+08:00

And, after all, what is a lie? 'Tis but the truth in masquerade.
-- Lord Byron

Its been a turbulent past few weeks, and there's been a few shifts and re shifts of people I once considered my friends and those I considered my not so friends. Turns out, when I put people in clear cut boxes like that, I was wrong.

You'd think I would and should know about true friendship by now, but I still get surprised when my definition of it is in question. It would seem that even at 23, I can somehow manage to still get it all so wrong.

And yet, I'm glad I was wrong. I learned the hard way, and yet I learned. Its better learning than not learning at all. I have to re-learn you see, because I have moved so much, left so many people, had so many people leave me, that its hard realising when I am stationary for longer than 6 months at any given place, friend dynamics? They change.

I just need to wrap my head around the fact that friendships do evolve beyond the superficial and I am quite appreciative of the current crop of people I consider my friends right now. And I hope they consider me their friend too.

Because you guys truly are and no matter what, I will carry you in my heart always.

**

I had a girls night the other night and it was practically sinful what we ate! But we didnt care, we threw all care out the window and it was such a great night. I had not had a proper girl talk with these girls for a long time and it was really good relearning and learning what make them tick. They are such a strong and beautiful bunch of women and I am so proud to have them in my life. Together, we will make it on this crazy path of life, and even if not together, I hope we have already made an impact on each other that will stand the test of time and memories.

**

He told me he would never leave me.

My fear is that he has already left.

**

My parents just celebrate 32 years of marriage together. Thirty Two Years.

Latest pic I have, I pulled it of facebook! They met Bishop briefly during his last visit.

They dont make marriage like they used to! Now thats a love I wish to emulate.

..they are getting more facebook savvy, however, and my mom has said she wants to put up her 21 year old pic. Oh man oh man...technology these days!

**

I am getting older and things I used to enjoy no longer hold the same mystique or fascination. I get annoyed at people who constantly talk about getting drunk just because they have nothing better to do (dont get me wrong, Im cool with it once in a while but to do it constantly and NOT in moderation just screams of not being able to let your youth go doesnt it, or trying too hard?). I am annoyed at cliques. I am annoyed at loud music and loud sounds hurt my ears. I like quiet nights in. I need my sleep. I cant go without it anymore. I eat breakfast. I think this generation has a gaping lack of good music and movies and books. I wish they had what I had. I wear what I want and not what I think people think I should (if that makes sense).

I want to be more practical now. I want to make my future tangible. I want to commit to my obligations.

Its official. Its a proclamation I don't deny anymore.

I am getting old.

And there's something almost poetic about coming to terms with that.

we will all go our separate ways, but we carry a little bit of each other everywhere

2009-07-23T20:21:00.011+08:00

life is not a paragraph, and death, I think is no parenthesis

e.e. cummings.

Some things I 'chanced upon' while on these internetz:

Not a bad effort, even if I do say so myself! Love love!

My favourite Aerosmith song.

A 3 year old singing Get Low. So cute!

Alanis Morissette singing a remix version of My Humps. Yes. By Black Eyed Peas.

I will always have a soft spot for One Tree Hill. When Brooke cries, I cry.

I have a girl crush on Leighton Meester, despite the alleged footjob scandal.

Okay, he sang Achy Breaky Heart. But this song is so sweet. Im just such a daddys girl.

Ah, the hair, those jeans! Still one of the shows that I'll never forget, even if its just a cheese and a half watching it now...

I waste too much time on youtube.

And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have

2009-07-03T21:21:00.003+08:00

"That's the funny thing about memory, isn't it? We are not what we remember of ourselves,
we are what people say we are. They project upon us their convictions. We are nothing but blank screens."

Ashley Greene

I have this tendency to make plans just for the sake of having them. Its only recently that I've come to terms with the outrageous idea that having some alone time to yourself is not only extremely refreshing but also very needed. Come to terms with and acted upon.

Maybe its because I'm getting older. Maybe its because I feel like I have nothing else to do that I have not already done. I feel like there are only so many times you can rehash the same old scene. Maybe if I was not here, I would eat my words, but in the here and in the now, my own company with a dash of good friends and family, is all I really need at the end of the day.

I came to work (after taking a day off yesterday) and my colleagues were cautious. Overly cautious. Paranoid cautious (maybe even enjoying making me nervous cautious!) I decided to go to the doctor during lunch just to get my colleagues to lay off, and hopefully get a clean bill of health, particularly over the recent cases of H1N1. The doctor more or less laughed at my worry and sent me away with cough syrup and paracetamol. Epic, I tell you.

The company trip to Singapore has been postponed, which has made me quite sad. I was so excited.

Its the last year of the decade. How bizarre.

I'm on an old tv show kick lately, and Ive been scouring the internet and dvd places for shows like The Wonder Years, Saved By The Bell, the original 90210, Dawsons Creek. Im also re watching movies of that era like The Breakfast Club, Clueless, My Girl 1 and 2. It takes me back to another time and place, and nostalgia spills over when I sit back and let the show make me feel young again.

Or young-ish anyway.

I am loving my re-interest in blogging. I hope it lasts. I am appalled at how little I have been writing in because Ive been so darn busy lately...

And everything depends upon, how near you stand to me

2009-07-02T21:56:00.002+08:00

Calm in quietude is not real calm.
When you can be calm in the midst of activity,
this is the true state of nature.

Happiness in comfort is not real happiness.
When you can be happy in the midst of hardship,
then you see the true potential of the mind.

-Huanchu Daoren

An embrace in words

I really could use a hug right now. Words can only keep you warm for so long

I was sick so I met my neighbor today. We have been living as neighbors for a long time but today, I was sick and needed to call my office because today I was out of credit and I didn't want to walk to the pasar malam to get any in my state. I knocked on her door with wild hair and a grouchy voice and a plea to use her phone and she welcomed me all the same.

I haven't been able to sleep properly the past weeks and its finally showing. I woke up with a fever and body aches like no ones business and a tendency to throw up every few minutes.

But you didnt need to know all that.

My neighbour on the other hand is amazing. In the few hours I spent being all sick in her living room, she sorted me out with great conversation, a full on proper body massage and dinner. At the very least, I also think Ive made a new friend.

And good friends are always so hard to find these days.

In other news, I need to sleep now so I can go to work at least semi functional tomorrow.

everyone is going to hurt you in the end/ maybe sometimes you just need to know who are worth being hurt for

2009-07-02T02:37:00.004+08:00

the day the earth ends, will be chaos.
people crowding the airport, screams, cries,
hugs, kisses, people trying to find their
loved ones, & phone lines being slowed
down by the millions of phone calls & texts being
sent by people trying to tell other's
things they never said. never take a day
for granted, and never let one crucial
thought or feeling go unspoken. there
will be a day when that chance expires.
-unknown

My heart hurts.

And not in the cliche sense of love found and lost. Not unless its in regards to friends, which maybe it is in this case.

Ever since I found out that on the DISC graph that I am an I with a D tendency, more and more do I think back to when I was younger and come to terms with the realization that I have not always been an I. No, I truly believe I am a learned I, because when I was younger, I did not get along with people and I certainly did not make friends as easily as I can now.

Or as I can then.

See, I was a shy child and an awkward adolescent and it was only late high school and uni that I broke away from that shell. I liked me then.

But the me then has lived out her phase and another part of me needs to get her turn to realise her potential.

But why?

Because Im finally tired. After years of being a learned I, the under currents of my true nature are coming out and I am not really that people oriented. Truth be told. If I let myself be, I am happiest alone or with max one or two other people. I cannot handle what Ive been putting myself through especially for the past two years ever since I came back here. Being an I is all I know. But what worked for uni wont work in the 'real' world. I am not sure what my 'true' nature is. But I dont think its people oriented. At least not at such a high I level. And I need to find out what I am if I don't always automatically go to my default I setting.

I just cant stand it anymore.

No matter what I do, its just not good enough for the very people whom I am trying to serve. Obviously, since Im not being me. Its MY fault, for showing them just a sliver of what I am and them taking it to mean thats me in my entirety. I never corrected them either, did I? No, it was much easier this way, I thought. Obviously not.

I think I'm done. I'm done. I am sick and tired of initiating activities, initiating all these things that at the end of the day no one really wants to do anyway and just blames me if I somehow falter under the strain of YET ANOTHER DECISION. Pardon me if I should be indecisive, Im 23 and Im not that certain of things yet, ok? They tell me all I do is initiate and I dont follow through. What about all the people I try to bring in? Have they ever tried? Have they even brought one friend in? What about the current friends I text/email/msn/fb to coax to come? Does that mean squat? Apparently.

Then guess what, if 'all I do is initiate and be loud', and thats how highly you think of my ideas and the time (not to mention credit and thick facedness) I spend trying to contact people, and you all have much better ideas, THEN YOU COME UP WITH THEM!

I am just burned out of all this, under the weight of everything else. My personal life is in shambles, my work is under pressure, my family is far away, the people I serve with dont seem to want to know anything about me unless its the loud airhead clumsy happy go lucky side they can all handle and are used to but sometimes I break so PARDON ME, PARDON ME if just right now, just at this time I CANNOT DECIDE. Because this is one of those times.

Lately I'm going through some issues. And its affecting everything Ive hoped to achieve by now. I can barely sleep at night, my massive eye bags are an indication and my glasses are not doing a good job of hiding them anymore, and when I am awake, I fall asleep at the most random of places. I think my body is stealing power naps. I have a short fuse lately and all I want to do is be alone.

I will follow through with my last few initiations. But its been a year now and I should step away. Its clearly not working as well as it could with me being me and if fresh blood is what it needs, then that could be exactly what I need to be able to step back and just be told what to do since clearly I cannot make decisions.

And thats okay with me. I am a learned I.

I need to stop learning to be an I, throw away all these preconceptions, stop trying to fit the part of everyones expectations of me and just finally try to me again, whoever me is.

And if that means taking a step back..

Then so be it.

My heart hurts and I cant sleep. Its almost 4 am.

My secrets have spilled.

every moment before this one depends on this one

2009-06-29T00:27:00.008+08:00

"I like to see people reunited, I like to see people run to each other, I like the kissing and the crying, I like the impatience, the stories that the mouth can't tell fast enough, the ears that aren't big enough, the eyes that can't take in all of the change, I like the hugging, the bringing together, the end of missing someone."

-Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Thats my baby James. But these are old pictures. He's 7 months old now and much bigger and wow he's going to be so tall! I cant wait till I can bribe er coax him with ice cream and toys!!

~*

Like a glutton for punishment, I turned around and despite the alarm bells, the fear, the OHNOYOUSHOULDNT, I stepped purposefully back toward the very person I had heartbreakingly said goodbye to not long ago. It was like a trap we both knew we had to avoid and yet, here we go. Again.

I hope this is my last again with you because I dont think my heart can take it anymore.javascript:void(0)

~*~

I think Madonna was amazing to do this on her site:

He was the King of Pop and she is clearly the queen.

Despite the controversy he has been awash in his entire life, I just know his music has been so influential (In The Closet, Black and White, Scream, Remember The Time...hot hot hot videos!) and there will never be another MJ. I was rooting for his comeback esp the 50 concerts dates and now Im devastated he will never be able to rise above the sh*t people were giving him.

In a world awash with forgettable music and 15 minute fame seekers, he is a legend.

No, ladies and gentlemen, I retract my statement.

He was NOT the King of Pop. He was the entire freaking kingdom and with him gone we have a music landscape filled with forgettables and 15 min fame seekers.

This made me sad:

Alright he has a mixed legacy, particularly with what happened in his latter years. But Macaulay Culkin went on trial to DEFEND him and said NOTHING happened..But I just cant believe someone who moulded my childhood is now gone. Everyone seemed to forget he's just human and expected him to churn out hit after hit, after controvery after controversy time and time again. He's just human and his death showed his vulnerability and fragile being.

But Im happy he's in a better place now. He was living a life filled with injustice and I guess now he can finally rest in peace.

~*

Im getting older. I cant handle all night drinking sessions anymore and I cant function without sleep! I hate it. I was so blur at work the next day haha! I used to mock my then 20 year old friends when I was in uni but now, I totally know what they feel. I feel OLD and my back hurts and I feel creaky in the knees and wah!

This sucks.

But Id do it all again any day.

But maybe with a weeks rest in between?!

~*

I am trying to be healthy and I bought a 25 pack of green tea early June to drink at work so I wont be tempted by coffee or easy to order ABCs or a drink at Coffeebean.

June is coming to an end.

I have 13 packets left. WHAT!?

~*

I watched Angels and Daemons. Now, Ive read the book ages ago and I knew exactly what to expect.

Or so I thought.

Seeing it live on screen was a whole different matter and I swear my heart hurt plenty of times throughout the film. I was saddened.

But Im glad they said about the Catholic Faith,"My mind tells me I'll never understand faith. An my heart tells me Im not meant to."

If nothing else, it was nicely put.

~*

Julys just around the corner and its been such a good year thus far! I hope the rest of 2009 is just as good or even better!

Sometimes there are things that silence can say that no other words could do justice

2009-05-15T23:27:00.002+08:00

"Some things should just be done for the fun of it.

Not because they're inexpensive, practical, organic, logical, fashionable, modest, brilliant, green, expected, proper, spiritual, thinning, fattening, prudent, or allergen-smoke-chemical free."

- Mike Dooley, "Notes from The Universe"-

I have watched within a week, Star Trek (omg ZACH Q!) , Push (meh, Dakota Fanning outacted everyone in this film and she wasnt even the main character!) and Wolverine. Star Trek was the best of all three. Everyone should decide not to resist the charms of Spock. It is a wise decision.

Smarties Nestle ice cream is great blended with hersheys chocolate and marshmallows.

The Sheratons teppanyaki ice cream is soooo gooood.

I learned how to burn lasagne sauce last weekend. Haha!

Work deadlines are easy to meet if I dont surf while working! Who would have thought!? :P

I learned on the DISC graph, I am an I, with a D tendency.

Sushi is yummy. I heart Excapade, even if Kaizen is better.

I like buying new underwear. It makes me feel pretty.

I am secretly flattered that this girl calls me future sis in law even though her brother and I have never met. She wants us to be together. But no matter how you slice or dice it, the sister approval is so hard to get. I dont think anything will happen when I meet er her brother eventually but its sweet nonetheless.

Its been four months today. *sigh*

I learned that changing your shampoo goes a long way and using hair vitamins is a smart move.

I learned that I need to stop procrastinating.

I learned Im still amazing at card games. Fun times.

The above broke my fangirl heart. :(

I watch too much tv. The internet is your friend.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a completely pointless update.

Beauty is knowing that if you listen closely enough -- you can hear the whole world breathing

2009-05-12T23:43:00.003+08:00

The inside jokes weren't jokes anymore.
They had become stories.
Nobody brought up the bad names or the bad times and nobody felt sad
as long as we could postpone tomorrow with more nostalgia.
-The Perks Of Being A Wallflower

Long ago, I thought I wanted to write. It was in the very same breath, however, that told me there are parts of me that also wants to just be able to sit and analyze and pore over numbers, part of me that wants to take things apart and put them back together again, a part of me that wants to teach, a part of me that wants to dance and even another part of me that wants to go out and meet people and represent them to the world as an entirely repackaged thing altogether. You know, marketing. Im talking about career moves but I suppose you can take the above as you wish.

Is it so crazy to theorize that if I were to force myself into a single role, to decide that I would be just one thing and one thing only for the entirety of my existence, I would in effect be killing off large parts of whatever it is that makes me me? That I would in essence be in danger of closing off all possibilities of me becoming whatever else I could become?

So, screw all then whining and quasi emo behavior of late.

I, therefore, recognize that I will love now and only now.

I will do what I want to do at this moment.

I will plan for tomorrow but not live in the future.

I have decided.

I will stop basing my life on what I decided was best for me yesterday.

*~*

Its a well perpetuated myth that when you're young, you think nothing will ever hurt you.

You are invincible, with your whole life ahead of you, and big big plans lain forth.

You will find your perfect life completing soul mate.

So what if you are just 18? You really do have it all figured out.

Then you get older and the bubble bursts.

*POP*

It wont be until the end of your life that you realize how the plans you made were simply plans.

Its at the end when you've reached the finished line, when you're looking back instead of forward..

Thats when you want to believe that you made the most of what life gave you.

And of course you want to believe that you're leaving something good behind.

The bottom line is..

You want it all to have mattered.

And hopefully...

If you did just the right things...

Or even if you did all the wrong things..

Somehow or other..

It will.

~*~

My life is a spiral of sorts and its a hustle and bustle of activities, so much so that I had to put my foot down and have a self imposed curfew on myself for some 'ME' time.

Sometimes all you want to do is curl up with a drink (alcoholic or otherwise) and a good movie in bed.

..wow, I *am* getting old.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end

2009-04-25T09:16:00.002+08:00

When the Nazis came for the communists,

I remained silent;

I was not a communist.

When they locked up the social democrats,

I remained silent;

I was not a social democrat.

When they came for the trade unionists,

I did not speak out;

I was not a trade unionist.

When they came for the Jews,

I remained silent;

I was not a Jew.

When they came for me,

there was no one left to speak out.

--Martin Niemöller

I ran into my very first best friend 11 years ago last night. Wow, cue the surprise. It was weird speaking to him again as its been as if he and I have the same roots and yet we are such different people from how we were 11 years ago (of course). And yet we're still very much the same.

He has grown in his confidence though, and his aura is that of a man now. He is no longer the child I traded Archie comics with and read stories with and played imaginary games with. We reminisced about how much we have grown apart and yet we did not lie and claim we missed each other.

We drifted obviously over the years and we meandered through the crazy teenage angst and adolescence without each other, even the college years passed by without much of a connection. No, a lie. We met. WIthout much fanfare, 4 years ago. It was so painfully awkward that I couldnt believe he was my best friend when I was a child who punched a bully for me and made his nose bleed. It was hard to connect the child he was with the strange 16 year old I met. He seemed so cold.

He was completely changed and I left the meeting with a heartache and wanted to cry.

But a few years on, he seems to have turned out alright. Much better, in fact. An intelligent sensitive kind of guy, fun and interesting.

I am conceited.

And I like to think I had a part to play 11 years ago.

and I dont need to forget myself by means of alcohol or drugs

2009-04-13T23:30:00.007+08:00

"You see, freedom has a way of destroying things..."

Scott Westerfeld (Uglies Series)

I may not be very good at decluttering my room.

But my blog really needed a new layout. Thoughts if any, are welcomed.

I went to an Easter party last night. I love how people pretend they dont want to karaoke and then end up being the ones who wont let the mics go, tsk. Smartie chocolate cake and wine surprisingly is not a bad mix.

I can't believe how stupid I am when it comes to him. I pride myself in being strong, independent and all the jazz that comes from that Destinys Child song and yet Im letting myself be thwarted time and time again and I keep going back for more. I should be smarter than this.

I have cut off a lot of friendships.

I have made new ones.

I cant help but ache for my lost friendships though. This is why I don't keep photo albums. Sometimes old photos stir up painful memories of friendships that no longer exist.

Her farewell was Saturday night. I didnt go because I was legitimately preoccupied being a godmother *squee*. Pictures when I get them but yes, strange as it may seem, I have a second godchild now!

Speaking of pictures!

Baby James time!

He is adorable!

And he totally knows me now. He's so well behaved and whenever he sees me, we play and Im just all omg, my uterus gets all tingly. I've told my parents to enjoy him though. I don't see myself with child for a long long time!

He's barely four months! He's massive! He's going to be so tall!

...No, im not REALLY a crazy doting aunt =)

But gosh, he's beautiful. :) SO CUTE!!!!!

Excuse me, I must go, my dormant maternal instincts woke up and are telling me to sleep now..

I'm so incoherent tonight. I should just sleep...but my mind just won't turn off tonight.

"'What do you think of God," the teacher asked. After a pause, the young pupil replied, 'He's not a think, he's a feel.'"

2009-04-10T11:47:00.002+08:00

"Certain thoughts are prayers. There are moments when, whatever be the attitude of the body, the soul is on its knees"
~Victor Hugo

Hush.

Its Good Friday, and while to the entire world may just let it pass by, its an ultimate day for ever the devout Catholic, and even for the the not so devout, for its the day, traditionally held, that the movie Passion of The Christ comes into fruition and every lash, every scourging, every piercing that happened in that movie
comes to life.

For every blow struck, for every spit spat out, for every taunt.

While most people believe Christmas is the manifestation of what being a Catholic is, I strongly disagree.

Today of all days is the cornerstone of my faith. Its the movie Passion of the Christ come alive.

For all the media drama about Christmas and the hush of the birth of Christ, pause. Reflect.

Good Friday is really what its all about.

Its a different kind of hush today.

We're the people that we wanted to know and we're the places that we wanted to go.

2009-04-06T21:29:00.005+08:00

"It seems to me that you need a lot of courage, or a lot of something, to enter into others, into other people. We all think that everyone else lives in fortresses, in fastnesses: behind moats, behind sheer walls studded with spikes and broken glass. But in fact we inhabit much punier structures. We are, it turns out, all jerry-built. Or not even. You can just stick your head under the flap of the tent and crawl right in. If you get the okay."

Martin Amis

Yesterday, I donated pieces of my childhood to raise funds for the youth fund in my parish. Looking back now, I should have priced them higher. Or I shouldn't have sold some at all.

I know people wont understand the passion, no, thats not quite right..the hunger, the addiction, the obsessiveness I have when it comes to reading. I thirst. I savor. Be it prose, poetry, novels, short stories, mere sentences and quick quotes, I have always been lured by the power of the written word.

And selling them was quite unnerving but it had to be done. I couldn't still hang on to the books I purchased when I was 11 now...could I?

(OKAY, I originally had 3 boxes full of books. But it whittled down to one. I just couldn't bear it!)

Its not really a big deal, in the greater scale of things. But you know, I was quite an introvert as an young adolescent, and wow was I much happier reading than I was interacting with people and you could literally single me out as being quite the social retard (which must seem weird now given how much of an extrovert Ive become). My social interactions were painful then and I always knew I could come home to the stillness and quietness of my books.

And I sold my version of another person's security blanket at $1 a pop. Just because I don't need them so much anymore.

I think I owe it to my childhood to be just a tad guilty right about now.

~*~

Guess who's going to be a sponsor again this Easter? =D

~*~

I should go to her farewell.

But its quite fake when I know Im quite happy to see her leave.

~*~

I only rewatch the Passion of the Christ once a year. The first time I watched it, I remember clearly, was in my friend's dorm room, and we gathered, Muslims, buddhists, Catholics alike, to watch it.

I knew every word.

Obviously.

And I know it made everyone tear up.

Its quite an emotional experience, this movie.

So Im preparing myself for it this year! I *will not* cry.

Or I probably will.

~*~

The weather is horrible. Scorching heat and sudden showers do not mix.

Its not any wonder Im reaching for my meds now. *sigh*

I hope I, along with everyone else, has a quite blessed Holy week.

we all lie to ourselves to be happy.

2009-03-29T22:30:00.006+08:00

"....getting drunk, and flashing your breasts isn't an act of personal empowerment. It's you, so fashioned and programmed by the construct of patriarchal society that you no longer know what's best for yourself.

A damsel too dumb to even know she's in distress."

-Chuck Palahniuk(sp?), Snuff

The quote struck me. Because I see so many young women going crazy much too fast and much too soon. And they believe its empowering.

This will never get as much airplay as Katy but:

Also. If you seek Amy is not as innocent as it first sounded.

Earth Hour came and went. I didn't feel a pinch.

I am not as certain of the world as I was yesterday because of happenings today.

I love my family and I'm terrified beyond terrified of the ramifications of some certain decisions.

I am always waiting, waiting, waiting.

I hope this time I waited for something worthwhile.

Its such a long night and yet I don't want tomorrow to come. Ever feel that way? When the night has been all you could ask for. Tomorrow just doesn't seem fair..

Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I've ever known.

2009-03-06T23:28:00.002+08:00

Everyone sang 'Amazing Grace' in various strains of dodgy disharmony. And I didn't feel like a wretch, and I didn't feel saved but maybe no one else did either, maybe they were just singing. Maybe it was the being together that counted.

-Simmone Howell

***

It is very refreshing to meet seemingly unspoiled 15 year olds these days, because so many of them are more like her.

She runs to her friends and talks about her latest boyfriend, her latest new handbag, her latest thrill. She is 15 and she talks and blogs about herself and her life as if she's gotten the whole world figured out. I wish I could reach out and tell her that being 15 is so beautiful and she should not, simply should not waste it by trying to dress and act 18.

Its not wrong...but this world and its media has corrupted you and made you think what you're doing is okay. That name calling and tagging others is okay. That keeping up with the joneses wont make you lose yourself (it will) and that money and beauty have become the new gods (they havent).

So you indulge.

Too much, too fast, too soon.

Growing up so fast is not healthy.

Ask us grown ups.

We're the ones watching you and wishing you wouldnt waste your teen years away. Plenty more years down the line for your to act older, and thats when the time will actually call for it.

Not now, child. Not yet.

But I will never reach out and tell her this. Even if I ache to.

Like me at 15, I would not have listened to me.

I hope that she at 23 won't regret what she missed out on by simply being 15.

I turn to watch her.

And its like she's already gone.

***

I've been cutting back on things this lenten season, and its been very hard. I went for confession and I poured out my hurts and my sins and my tears and I get told to pray 3 Hail Marys, a penance which does not befit my load. But who am i to judge? Who am I to reckon? Maybe the penance is not meant to equal the weight of your sins because I really think had they been equal, Id still be on my 30th decade of the rosary by now.

***

Money.

Career.

Its all so insignificant in the grand scale of thing. So many have been in my place, in your position and so many have lived our lives and gone on their ways.

I am just another and only one.

Life is so short.

If you're only living for you...technically you're really already gone.

***

we barely have time to react in this world/ let alone rehearse

2009-02-18T22:52:00.002+08:00

Breathe in for luck,
breathe in so deep,
this air is blessed,
you share with me.
This night is wild,
so calm and dull,
these hearts they race,
from self control.

- Dashboard Confessional

Twenty Five Things (That You Should Be Doing Too):

1. I think Im glad I met Jack Daniels.

2. I grew up with the mantra sleep was for the weak and have pulled one too many allnighters or no sleepers. I have only recently discovered that sleeping early and waking up early actually is good for you. Who would have thought?

3. I am addicted to rebonding/flatironing my hair because I grew up with horribly frizzy wavy hair and to this day I have to pat my hair down to make sure its really not curly every few minutes.

4. I beat Mrs Clements, my English form 1 (or 2?) teacher in scrabble when I was 11 or 12.

5. I love doing my laundry because the smell of fresh laundry makes me smile.

6. I can burn eggs. Its quite sad.

7. Im photogenic and my pictures fool people because Im not as great looking in real life.

8. When I first heard about the Twilight buzz, I clicked on online excerpts. I thought what I read was fanfiction and was so upset at how badly written the fanfiction was until friends reassured me I was reading the real deal. I was not impressed, even if I squealed like a bloody 15 year old in the cinemas.

9. I say the rosary as I walk to work in the mornings. It calms me down and prepares me for the day ahead.

10. I created my msn address when I was 13. Ive had it for 10 years now and I am still half uncertain about changing it because of the sentimental value, even if it is a horribly silly address.

11. I have been blogging since I was 15, on various sites. Ive sampled wordpress, vox, livejournal, diaryland, multiply, friendster, you name it, Ive tried it. Im settling on blogspot for now but only because Im too busy to switch.

12. I am a sucker for anything acoustic and guys/girls who can play the guitar and play it well fascinate me.

13. I always suspect I have a mild case of trichotillomania.

14. I am very flexible and I like scaring people by showing them how freaky my fingers are and suddenly doing a split.

15. The sense that I least use is my sense of smell. I know people who can smell something from a mile away but I cant, and perfumes have never been anything particularly interesting for me. I spritz colognes but I normally dont use anything, which is something Im not sure I should have admitted.

16. When I was in uni, I had mad drinking skillz. Or maybe I was just mad. Whatever the case, I look back now and really wonder what I was thinking then but I dont doubt that some of those days will probably rank right up there as some of the best days of my life.

17. I enjoy the hustle and bustle of public transport in the form or trains, monorails, trikes, taxis, buses what have you, and I thrived using public transport in Australia, Singapore, Malaysia etc. Its only in Brunei I suffer where public transport ends by 6 pm. Seriously.

18. I was born after one miscarriage and one 'blue' baby (she had a hole in her heart) so when I survived, I think it was a foreshadowing of how stubborn Id be and am.

19. When I was 17, I found out I could tie a cherry stalk into a knot with my tongue and this has started a compulsion for me to tie shorter and shorter cherry stalks into knots with my tongue and when i fail, I literally feel like Ive failed at something life altering.

20. People dont think about you as much as you think they do.

21. I cried tears of joy when I saw Pope Benedict XVI.

22. I really like painful massages because I like the aftermath burning sensation in my back. One masseuse exclaimed that she felt I needed to go to the doctor and check if my nerves were alright because 'normal' people would have cried bloody murder with the pressure she was applying on me.

23. I am almost 90% deaf in my right ear and I often cant tell how loud I am.

24. I type with my middle finger of my right hand and index finger on my left. Im sorry, computer studies teachers, you failed at having that lesson of typing properly stick.

25. I think every once in a while, you should just let go and dance.

There are two types of people in the world/ those who prefer to be sad with others and those who prefer to be sad alone

2009-02-15T23:54:00.002+08:00

"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles."
Audrey Hepburn

Breakfast at Tiffanys is a great song but long before that song, there was the movie I watched it yesterday and it was amazing. One of those classic films everyone should be exposed to, really.

Steamboat, wine, chocolate cake, massages, ice cream and heartfelt conversation..sounds like a recipe for a great date but it was what happened yesterday with a bunch of very good friends. Hearts and love.

I havent blogged about KL, but I will another day. It was truly a reawakening for me and completely rejuvenating!

Main reason for updating is to affirm that sometimes really outstandingly horribly painful bad things have to happen to you in order for you to grow and perhaps nudge you that much closer to God. I had the shock of my life the other day, no joke, but when it happened, it was the catalyst to be trying something entirely new, which i would not have done had the bad thing not happened and I wouldnt be so thrilled about the opportunity now! Im being vague but will confirm news when its obviously confirmed, lovelies.

Much prayers needed as its *insert your cuss word here for emphasis* marvelous.

Life, how beautiful yet utterly perplexing you are.

It is the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.

2009-01-23T01:01:00.003+08:00

my heart is in my hands
my head is in the clouds
my feet have left the ground
my life is turning around and round
and every voice inside my head is tellin' me to run like mad
oh bows and arrows
stars and sunset hey hey hey yeah hey hey hey yeah
every heartbeat every kiss just
makes me wonder what all this is
suits of armor, hearts and arrows hey hey hey yeah

-Run Like Mad - Jann Arden

Lingerie, a drink up, a slice of birthday cake with a candle on it, an unopened bottle of JD and baileys!, shiny purple flat shoes, new makeup, new hair products (squee!), two new planners, a fruit basket, new bag, a restaurant singing me happy birthday and an amazing surprise birthday cake with twenty three candles on it.

Wow. Im so touched.

And the best part is its not even my birthday yet, and I still have the blessed weekend, Chinese New Year and Kuala Lumpur goodness to look forward to <3.

*

I don't have many good friends here in Brunei.

In fact, if I were to be completely honest, I can count on less than two hands ,maybe even just one, how many actually truly care about me beyond a certain tolerance and need to have to put up with me because its the politically correct and easier thing to do. You know, easier to pretend to be my friend and be the perfect hypocrite than to actually let me know how to be a better person? Yeah, that type of friend.

Because lets also own up to the fact that I'm not the easiest person to deal with. I could list all my flaws which I am aware of but you know, I dont have 24 hours to spare.

For ages, I've wanted to change. But Im torn between two people, the person I want to be and the person I'm expected to be and very often the lines separating the two are blurred.

...whoa. Its like the 15 year old me just surfaced and tried to be all emo and melodramatic in that sentence.

But you know what I mean.

Bottom line is, Im a hard character to take.

And those who can take me are prizes to be kept and I feel like I've won somehow.

*

Its been raining cats and dogs, flash floods occuring, the underpass sunken under water, electricity, telecommunications and water being cut off due to the floods, its been crazy.

I've always loved the rain.

This is just too much, especially after the two deaths reported, so many homes being lost and people left without belongings, and Im praying it will let up soon.

*

your destiny is not tied to the people who walked away

2009-01-18T23:09:00.008+08:00

Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal.
Live this day as if it were your last.
The past is over and gone.
The future is not guaranteed.”
-Wayne Dyer

One of the hardest things I have ever done was letting a prize like you go. Believe me. Again. Ending things again. When we've come so far. But you and I both know this may be as far as we can go together. And this is the final end.

You've run the race with me side by side, and even pulled me up when I was struggling and waited for me to catch up when I thought I couldn't take another step. You gave me water and you gave me energy and you gave me the strength to take that next stride.

You who made me laugh and held me when I cried and you who understood when I ranted and defended me when I needed it (even when I didnt deserve to be). You who danced with me even though dancing is not your thing and you who actually enjoyed the sound of me singing. You who reached out when i pulled away. You who made me feel beautiful and you who taught me the difference between..well. You know.

You who made me feel everything and nothing all at once, my silence in the crowd, my song and my dance, my rock.

Its been a very very good almost 3 years with you. And I will treasure every memory and every breath taken in your presence. You will always be my wonderwall and I am just so sorry I couldn't wait any longer.

I just hope that years from now when you remember me you remember the good things. Because you truly were a good thing in my life. I want that to continue.

But you know my terms.

Im just so sorry. I did not mean to make you cry. I did not mean to make you hope. You want me to wait but I can't wait forever, you really must choose NOW. I cant wait, not when the future is this uncertain. I agonized over this decision, please, dont you believe I made it in one day.

I know youre reading this. Or at least you used to. Is this it? Are you just going to erase me from your life? We're more than that. You know we are.

I'll be crushed if you tell me you dont know we are.

And dont you dare say you dont know we are simply to crush me.

Me leaving you will not crush you.

You are a magnificent fabulous catch.

You are an amazing amazing person.

Me leaving you will crush me eventually.

But don't flatter me into thinking for one second me leaving you will really affect you in the long run. You will be amazing.

With or without me.

*

I stumbled upon Anna Nalick accidentally but now I am very much a fan. The song embedded is probably her most famous one but mind you, she really does have many others.

yeah. Anna Nalick. Check her out.

Over the weekend, I spent time with different groups of friends and came to the conclusion that once people are broken in one way or another, they can't be fixed. Or they can be. But if you try to fix people before they are ready to be, and unless youre ready for that, you'll just end up cutting yourself in the process on the shards of their brokenness. So when you can't hack it, even when you know you should do something, you close one eye. And leave them broken.

Because its just the easier way out.

And that is sort of something nobody ever bothers to tell you tells you when you are young and yet it never fails to take you by surprise as the years go by, as you slowly but surely see the people in your life break one by one.

It scares you.

And maybe only to yourself, you wonder when your turn is going to be.

Or even more silently, you wonder if it's already happened.

And you think back and wonder if it really was the easier choice leaving everyone else so broken.

You can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things: a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

2009-01-13T21:09:00.005+08:00

Those who hate most fervently must have once loved deeply;
those who want to deny the world must have once embraced what they now set on fire.

Kurt Tucholsky

I hate hearing that I'm wrong.

But even more than that, I hate coming to the realization that I am wrong.

Okay, first of all, I know I do things which people think are out of order or not right or wrong or whatever, but at the heart of that is me still thinking I dont regret it because it was exactly what I wanted so WHATEVER.

However.

Thats not the case this time around. And I'm just so sorry.

Its something that guts into my very being because truth be told, everyone likes believing what they did at that point in their life was possibly the very best thing they could have done at that point and within that context.

Its a peculiar feeling, being told you were wrong when at that time, you swore it was right and when you think to yourself hey it must have been wrong...it feels like, to me anyway, that I built a choice all around something that in the end could not support the gravity of the conscious thought to make it. Like I asked someone who was born mute to suddenly break into a serenade or asking someone who had never seen to swear to the bottom of his heart that I am beautiful.

You know when people say they feel like the rug was swept out from right under them? Well truly does that feeling resonate when faced with the consequences of a decision that at that point felt so right but somehow ended up leaving you with massively unwanted results?

Yeah.

So its with a sinking self defying surrender that I acknowledge not to anyone else but to me, that yes, I was wrong.

This means I'm not sure of much anymore, because after I acknowledge that what i decided then was actually wrong, it changes my world and makes it a tiny bit more askew.

So I guess, if you were to ask me about it, like ask 'hey, remember what you did then? what do you believe about what you did then, now?'

I'd answer, quite reluctantly but with strange relief, I would say 'I am sure now that I was wrong, and that is all'.

I hope someone asks me someday, because maybe by then I'll be ready to admit it and especially then, be ready to make myself believe my own premeditated words.

But even then...

Theres nothing, absolutely nothing I can do now but say I'm really so sorry...

And now all I can do is move on.

its a wild world/ It's hard to get by just upon a smile

2009-01-06T22:49:00.002+08:00

Now that I've lost everything to you
You say you wanna start something new
And it's breakin' my heart you're leavin'
Baby, I'm grievin'
But if you wanna leave, take good care
Hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there

Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
and I'll always remember you like a child, girl

You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do
And it's breakin' my heart in two
Because I never wanna see you sad, girl
Don't be a bad girl
But if you wanna leave, take good care
Hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware

Baby, I love you
But if you wanna leave, take good care
Hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware

Cat Stevens 'Wild World'

I know you're surprised.

But I did actually mean it when I said bye.

we'll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne..

2009-01-04T22:01:00.003+08:00

I fill my days with song and dance
For its in the silences that I ache
I'd like to believe my hard times are past
But these days are all about my bleeding

And I don't mean bleed in the traditional sense
For blood is not the only thing you can spill
You can spill love, actions, bones and words
At the end of the days, its all the same pain

I've been through my fair share of hurt
I bleed my experiences and hope you learn
I fix, I mend, I reach out and I bend
Honey, its pain thats not through with you

I am alone even in a crowd
I bleed my heart and beg them to take it
Better to be alone together
Rather than being alone, alone.

My defense mechanism is my loudness
I bleed my life and share for you to laugh at me
You'd think I was happy if I was laughing
And you laugh and forget you thought I was pained

My family has such expectations
I bleed from the obligations
I'm old enough to bear the burdens
And I'm young enough to run but dont

I fill my days with work and busy
I bleed fatigue from the schedule
I reach for you, would you let me in?
I struggle to fill the hours in between

I don't know why I always end up like this
I bleed tears but they don't bring relief
They drop and I'm still standing
Is this all there is?

This life is harsh and I should know by now
I'll bleed blood far sooner than later
I'm tall and strong, young and healthy
I should be built to take this

I know God has a plan and I believe...
What I'd like to believe too is
That my hard times are past/ But really.
These days are all about my bleeding

- me on one of my bad days.

Its just been one of those days.

"In this world you will have troubles. But take heart! I have overcome the world." --Jesus, John 16:33

2009-01-04T13:54:00.003+08:00

"Theres something beautiful about a billion stars held steady by a God who knows what He is doing. They hang there, the stars, like notes on a page of music, free-form verse, silent mysteries swirling in the blue like jazz."

Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller

It would be wonderful if somehow I was struck with a sudden inspiration to write something thought provoking, beautiful and almost lyrical tonight, particularly since this is my first post of 2009. Alas, nothing comes to mind except random pictures, images and moments and I can only dwell on the fact that 2008 may not have been the very best year for me, but I sure grew up more this way than when I was in university and everything was fine and dandy and easy.

But Im not feeling particularly eloquent . So very random pictures will have to do for today. Basically whatever I actually have downloaded off facebook in the past month and a half.

The above picture captures most of not all the brothers and sisters who have blessed my life with their prescences of late. They can put up with my most obnoxious of manners and they are supportive, so much it hurts, and I know if I ever need anything, they will be there with open arms and hearts. Oh. And the party was fun too ;)

Ah, my Australian Dad and 'house sisters'. Fond fond fond!!!Ah, that high school reunion. Could it have been so long ago when everyone in this picture was an awkward adolescent? Time flies, issues drop, people grow and friendships remain.

Ah, my Jolene.

My two oldest friends, Kathleen and Emily. The doctor and MBA holder. Makes my degree feel so damn insignificant, doesnt it? But theyre amazing. Chiew Yi!!! MBA holder to be!!! My old friends are all so accomplished. See, people, studying really does sort you out and being a nerd in high school?

It pays off. Stay in school. :D
Thats during Chinky's birthday. It was a blast and a half and Ill always have fond memories of that and of them.

Thats me in a (stolen) angels costume and halo for the Nativity play this year. I was not an angel ( how unbelievable would I be in that role?) but the narrator, but I didn't want to miss getting that winning halo shot, ya know.

This is a stolen shot with Jen and Aubrey. Rarely though we meet, theyre quite rocks to me, and I would have been lost my first few months in Brunei without them. They are such lovely people, we have our flaws but at the end of the day, I am truly blessed to have crossed paths with them.

But nothing much more comes to mind.

My achievements in 2008 are nothing compared to Baby James. Im not the best aunt. But Im working on it.

2009 is gonna be a buzz year. I feel it in the air. I would like to finally get closer to God, work on my family and fix myself up.

This is the year I turn 23 and I really really need to work on being that woman the 13 year old me always wanted to be.

Its just...I just have so many concerns right now. And Im weak. And I feel I could break down at any moment from the absolute weight of my concerns and worries (Im just not made to shoulder burdens very well yet and Im so so sorry) and my God, my faith and service is probably the one constant thing keeping me together.

"Though I hear nothing, He is speaking. Though I see nothing, He is acting. With God there are no accidents. Every incident is intended to bring us closer to Him"

A Gentle Thunder by Max Lucado

i think life isn't waiting for a storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain

2008-12-10T23:17:00.003+08:00

Now I walk where the street swallows light like it's water
I see the slant of your smirk on every kid at the corner
But if you called, I'd never know what to say
So I just hope you never will
Things are easier that way
-from "country sky glow"

Above is my new favourite person in the whole wide world. James Romhenwei Abalajon Tiama, my first and only nephew, the first child of my older brother and sister in law, and my parents first grand child, the only person allowed to call me "Tita" or "Aunty'" (whenever he learns to speak of course :P).

I couldnt be prouder. He's such a beautiful well behaved baby. He was born 4.28 pm, November 25, 2008, just shy of my dad's 57th birthday on November 26th. What a birthday present!

This baby is going to be soo spoiled. <3

And yes, I do so plan on corrupting him in a few years. *evil* Im gonna be that aunt who gives him chocolate specifically when his mother tells him he cant have any :P

Secretly, of course.

I cant wait to watch him grow up!

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones

2008-11-19T09:46:00.003+08:00

The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be.

-Anne Frank

*
Adam Merrins song "Still Alright" is really beautiful and its on my constant playlist. Its just very soothing and I adore it. Its also been used in key plot changes in three of my favourite shows, How I Met Your Mother (when Robin and Ted realised they could still be friends in spite of everything), Greys Anatomy (when George finally remembered he had slept with Izzie - a moment which btw turned me completely off that show as a fan) and Greek (when Rusty and Casey finally went home to their parents together in one car),

I have a theme song every year. And thats probably my song for 2008.

Its been a very turbulent year for me, but inspite of it all Ive lost and am on the verge of losing, corny as it seems..Im still alright. I know I have something much better planned for me.

*

I never know what to do till its too late to change anything and its done. I always come up with the perfect comeback an hour after the biting remark directed at me, or the perfect step to do two steps after, or the perfect action to take much much too late.

Its no use rethinking, and often I just let it go. But I always wish I was more prepared for it, and hopefully I will be the next time.

*

People have unusually low expectations of me in matters important to me and unusually high expectations of me in matters that arent. I dont understand what it is about me, but its true.

I am sad about this.

*

Friendships come and go too fast. Theres this one girl, who one year ago, was my friend. We texted each other a lot and met up with each other loads, and we were just great friends. We shared everything together, or now that I think about it, I shared everything about me to her.

And this year, she is barely what I call a friend anymore.

A lot can change when 'cooler' friends show up in your life.

And yes, even at 22, there are still our versions of what 'cool' is.

But its okay. Friendships are transient. And I firmly believe people in our lives are led that way for a reason and when their reason for being there is obsolete, or maybe your reason for being in their lives is unneccessary, then you move on.

But you will of course still treasure the mark they made in your life, even if they neglect your mark in theirs.

*

I've always had weak ankles and yesterday I tripped when trying to teach the youth a dance. Of course, the heels might have had some thing to do with it but still. My ankle twisted and I was really unsure if I had hurt myself or not, but I guess that means no heels for a while because the ankle itself is kind of sore when I put weight on it.

Which makes me recall the fact that I've hardly ever had any major injuries and accidents in my life, in occasions where I should have been badly hurt but a smart move in the last min (in this latest incident, when I twisted, I lifted it at the last minute so I wouldnt land on it and injure it further) saved me from further injury. Ive always lifted things like this up as luck and now I come to think it may have been just extra protection from God.

*

Last Monday, I came home before the sun set, miraculously early from work and in the sight of that miracle, I decided to go jogging. Okay, fine, really brisk walking. I strolled from my apartment and brisk walked around my area and you know what, sweating it out for the first time in a long time (my last break of sweat must have been Sydney's pilgrimage walk o_0). And you know what, I pushed myself to break a sweat and I could understand again why I used to and only my laziness really made me stop. Cant blame lifestyle as Ive always had a slow paced one with a dash of hectic. But yeah, I'm hopeful I can maintain a weekly if not bi-weekly workout.

Unlike unhealthier vices (food counts *sob*) , it gets my mind off things, and yet gets me fit. Yay for that.

*
Its November 2008 already, and Ive been seeing Christmas themed decorations slowly sprouting up in the most unexpected of places. I, on the other hand, hardly decorate my own room anytime of the year, so what of Christmas?

Ill perhaps get some tinsel for the balcony and candy canes to hang (and to be slowly eaten heheheh) or maybe (fake) mistletoe for our home door so I have an excuse to hug or cheek kiss whoever comes to visit =)

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It is the funniest joke in the world

2008-11-03T18:05:00.002+08:00

Maybe one of these days I'll be able to give myself a gold star for being ordinary. And maybe one of these days I'll give myself a gold star for being extraordinary. And maybe one day I won't need to have a star at all.

-Sue Bender

Yesterday, I walked around The Mall arm in arm with my father. He helped me 'shop' so to speak for computer gadgets I've long wanted to purchase. And now I have.

My mom laughed that I was happier setting up my new toys than I ever was when I shopped for stuff thats supposed to be what girls squeal over. You know. Handbags, shoes and clothes.

I guess I'm just not that girly.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good

2008-10-31T14:55:00.002+08:00

Writing is not psychology. We do not talk "about" feelings. Instead, the writer feels and through her words awakens these feelings in the reader.

-Natalie Goldberg

People say I make a good emcee.

But to be honest, I think its just because I have really thick skin and am good about letting humiliation and embarassment slide off my shoulders.

Years and years of practice by way of an extremely awkward adolescence can do that to a person.

Oh, and also because its completely by default that theres no one else available/willing.

Im not really a good emcee. Or maybe I just say that because my interest has not always been there. I've always been better behind the scenes and writing, directing, producing, choreographing. I'm not much for being up in front of an audience but my ability to get over my miniscule shyness helps overcome that. There are others with shyness even worse than mine, and while its hard to believe I have a tendency towards shyness, believe it. I just have a lot of courage (or some would call it stupidity) and I'm always up for risks. I figure, nothing ventured nothing gained, and nothing would be accomplished if we were all hiding behind the shadows and unwilling to take a stand on things.

And I take a stand on things. Not necessarily things that need to be taken a stand in, but things I feel should be. Even if theyre not seen as things to be taken a stand in by the majority, I voice it out. And if I was wrong, then, okay, I was wrong.

But if I was right, the 'trouble' would be worth it.

Otherwise well, I dont. And pandora boxes arent opened and nothings resolved.

Which shows you perhaps that my tongue gets me into trouble more often than I realise.

But there are perhaps worse things to be 'in trouble' for.

It was possible that a miracle wasn't something that happened to you, but rather something that didn't.

2008-10-25T08:49:00.003+08:00

21 things to live by:
ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you getolder, their conversational skills will be as important as anyother.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleepall you want.
FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.SIX.
Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don'twant to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self;Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

- unknown

It was truly a sign of her loyalty to our friendship that she did not completely mock me for forgetting to bring work pants when I slept over two nights ago and ended up having to have her drive me to my place in a formal top and pajama bottoms so I could change properly for work.

Though she did giggle a little. But I guess thats allowed, given the hilarious sight of me =)

Its a sign of my housemate's patience that on the morning we both woke up late for work, she rushed herself unneccesarily for me to reach work early.

And I did.

It was also another sign of his friendship that he could tolerate such a tantrum and vent from me without thinking any less of me.

He even paid for my mango sunrise and everyone knows he hates paying if he doesnt have to =)

It was a sign of my parents infinite patience with us that they agreed to watch High School Music 3 last night. It was the 'premiere' (ooohh...aahhhh :) ) in Brunei. The cinema was packed with families and teenagers alike last night. Hilarious. My mom swore she was the oldest in queue haha.

While my brothers and sister in law and I cracked up, my parents were confused at the random teenagers bursting into song.

But they enjoyed themselves anyway.

Its the little things in life, sometimes, that matter.

Nothing very very good and nothing very very bad ever lasts for very very long

2008-10-24T10:57:00.001+08:00

"Sometimes I think the people to feel saddest for are people who once knew what profoundness was, but who lost or became numb to the sensation of wonder—people who closed the doors that lead us into the secret world—or who had the doors closed for them by time and neglect and decisions made in times of weakness."

- Douglas Coupland

I've had it up to here today.

Decision making time, unfortunately, starts now.

restlessness is me, you see/ its hard to be safe/ and difficult to be happy

2008-10-16T20:12:00.006+08:00

"and god help you if you are an ugly girl

course too pretty is also your doom

cause everyone harbors a secret hatred

for the prettiest girl in the room

and god help you if you are a phoenix and

you dare to rise up from the ash

a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy

while you are just flying back"

-Ani Difranco

I was asked today,in another so called milestone in my life, to be a godmother for someones confirmation. Me.

I've never been asked before, to be honest, and I will be honored to be this teenager's godmother.

It was the birthday of two special ladies recently. A bunch of us celebrated their turning of a year older by a party for one and road trip turned crazy fun night out for the other. Now I admit that I had more than my share of fun on these two occasions and I hope that amidst the silliness, the anxieties, the franticness, the hype and the love, oh the love, I really hope they did too.

Happy birthday, C. Happy birthday, H.

Recently, I finally made concrete plans to meet up with two of the girls who made up a quadruplet of my friendship circle in secondary school. Its been really amazing closing the gap on what has been literally 5 years away from each other and we're trying to fill in the blanks on what has happened in our lives since the days of graduating from the old alma mater of St. Georges School.

A lot has happened. Seriously. A lot has happened.

But when we meet, when we look at each other and the old inside jokes just come pouring out and the walls just break down, its like we're 16 again and uni hasnt happened.

We dont know how long we have together again, because as always, lives will shift.

But for now. Just for now, we are basking in the safety net of each other and wondering why the hell we let each other go, and yet at the same time, glorifying the fact that even though 5 years has passed, its like time stood still for our friendship and yet, its really a whole other level.

Thanks, E. Thanks, A.

Chyler Leigh is an actress on Greys anatomy and played the lead in the spoof Not Another Teen Movie.

I always thought she was great.

Until I found a video of her at 15 kissing her real life brother for a movie. And not just a lip to lip quick 3 second one either. This was a full on kiss, twice, in the same movie (Kickboxing Academy). Was the director crazy or the casting director blind or the siblings not close enough to care or worse, too close to care? Seriously. Thats just nasty.

And if you dont agree, you be the judge:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYO2OdAI3H4

I hope thats right link. Anyway. Just google it.

Its so traumatising for me, but I wonder if any of you think I'm being silly. Its just so wrong, is all.

I've read Nicholas Sparks other works but never A Walk To Remember.

I just read the book.

And Im perturbed because its just so different. I mean, the basic elements are there. But the main criteria, that walk to remember? When i watched the movie, I thought it was the walk of their lives together or something.

But it was her walk down the aisle that the author meant. Her walk because by then she was sick, so sick.

And he was so not a bad boy who nearly got someone killed.

And she never asks to be at two places at once.

And he was really rich and his parents were together.

And she doesnt ever say,"I dont need a reason to be angry with God."

Blink.

Color me surprised. The parts of the movie I adored were never part of the book to begin with.

Then again, with my attention span being what it is and my speed reading being what it is..maybe I missed those parts.

Though I suppose I can just enjoy a walk to remember, the movie, and a walk to remember, the book, as two separate perspectives of the same fictional events...

Too quickly the months have rolled over and a solid year has passed since I returned to the country of my indulgent happy childhood and my awkward serene adolescence.

I have lived a hundred and one lives since then, and when I remember the person I was then, I realize with shock every time that its only really been 5 years.

I thought I had made the right decision then. But lately, more and more frequently lately, not a day passes when I re-question my decision to return.

On one hand, lately, it feels like this place is the representation of a life I should have left behind long ago and not fought so hard to keep.

And on the other hand, it represents a place of second chances and opportunity and I count my blessings every day, blessings of which they are not few.

And so I must live with what I chose.

Suck it up, self. Suck it the eff up.

For there are blessings among the thorns and life is too beautiful not to be amused at everything thats thrown our way.

We ask God to forgive us for our evil thoughts and evil temper, but rarely, if ever ask Him to forgive us for our sadness

2008-10-06T22:03:00.004+08:00

Remember, we all stumble, every one of us.

That's why it's a comfort to go hand in hand.

-Emily Kimbrough

Since I read about Veronica's escapades shopping when I was all of 9, I thought credit cards worked like magic money. I got older and realised, no, it didnt really work that way. But I always wanted one anyway. Not that Id ever get one from my parents but I wanted to get one for my emergencies, my just in cases, my online purchases, etc, you know?

And now I have two!

Ahem, okay, I know, I do realise it sounds a bit overboard going from cautious zero to wtf two. Its mostly because I am not sure if the places I frequent accept visa or mastercard so Im carrying both on trial.

And theyre pretty!

...even if it does amputate my name and rename me as Maria Izzah R F T.

I have a long name, bank. I get it.

But yeah. I havent used it yet. I scared. :D

In other news, I have been bumping into old high school friends lately. Particularly two of the three girls I was sublimely close to in high school but we drifted apart for whatever reason under the sun. Anyway, I was hesitant about meeting up again....

I worried we wouldnt click.

We wouldnt be able to talk.

...and who am I kidding?

I really shouldnt have worried at all.

Everybody's got a story they can tell…you know you're not the only one counting on a quarter in a wishing well

2008-09-28T23:46:00.005+08:00

It's a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies.

The only variable is about what.

The weird thing about telling someone they're dying is it tends to focus their priorities.

You find out what matters to them.

What they're willing to die for.

What they're willing to lie for.

-House

I used to be a lady who lunched. You know the type. Leave office for that precious lunch hour to eat, catch up with friends. But I've accepted that I will never be the type that can eat three meals a day and not expect to gain weight, so I have to cut back on that precious lunch and drink or snack on something not calorie laden instead. I really should start exercising again.

I have this thing where I need a massage every now and again because the muscles in my upper back tend to tense up due to a variety of reasons but mostly, I think anyway, due to stress and due to my bad posture. Anyways, long story short I finally got a massage this weekend and now I feel like I can face the world.

Ah, its the little things in life.

Often I wonder very very strongly if I chose the right path career wise because its a wildly known notion that Ive always had an affinity for writing and talking,more so than digit casting and counting. You know what I mean. I have the degree. I am using it. But very often I wonder...

Well. You know.

I had a stressful week last week. Lets just say everything happened at once,and the worst part was my parents (who are now retired and visit me on a regularly basis, because as they put it,
"we're bored! we want to come see our kids!"haha) had JUST left JUST when I needed them. I know theyre getting older and we are going to have a role reversal soon, as the transition is inevitable as I get older myself...but sometimes all it takes is my mothers hug and my father's blessing to know that I can make it.

And that day, they had just left. Things happened.I was very upset and I could not bear to see anyone. It was not a good day for me.

I was very sad.

Lo and behold, I get talking to him on msn, not really telling him anything, and he sends me the picture below:

Its his cologne shelf. You know, the type on display in a typical room, for all to see. I was quite annoyed as he showed me his cologne shelf, and I see the Diesel Fuel for Life she gave him, the Acqua another chose for him and euphoria yet another chose for him. I felt, yeah, rub it in, Im thousands of miles away, I get it. I get that Im not nearly near enough to be able to smell you and tell you what scent is perfect for whatever occasion is happening. And I get that youre moving on without me in your life and dont need my opinions on things like scents.

But of course I never say anything of the sort to him out loud. I respond instead to wow, they have good taste.

And we talk some more until finally he asks me if I really looked at the shelf.

And I said yes.

And he asked then if I had looked at the top left.

And I see.

I see the cheap in comparison to perfumes even if its by Hallmark cheesey chocolates on teh cover with mmm lettering card I bought for him when I was in Sydney, scribbled something nonsensical on and sent off by post to get to him fast since it was domestic and all. I see it poised on his shelf along with the expensive perfumes, my cheapass card that contained seriously sweet things that were almost scary but he admitted he forgave me for since I was a girl. And no, before I asked, he did not put the card there just for the photo, it really is there :P Aw.

He really is great and though he doesnt speak his mind much, he's one of those guys whos actions speak louder than any thing he could have said.

And just like that, I was uplifted. My problems were not solved of course. They exist. But its nice to know someone thinks of you. That youre a person worth having things youve given displayed. That you matter to someone beyond the family, because lets face it, family is family, but they HAVE to love you (hehe).

Its just..I have so few left who are geographically near. Its nice feeling unobligated love.

And just like that, I know I can make it another week this week.

I was addicted to saying things and having them matter to someone

2008-09-11T00:23:00.003+08:00

I hope that you are a disaster.

I'm sorry, but I do.

I hope that you are thunder and lightning.

I hope you are a forest fire, I hope you kill the dead wood and burn off the rotting leaves.

With the canopy gone, the sun can get in. You need new growth.

I hope you're terrible and broken and perfect.

-unknown

Its hard to speak about your first anything, be it first sexual experience, first job promotion, first tragic incident in your life, because if its the first,its so personal, and for another,there are no words that can be used to describe anyones first time at anything similarly.

Earlier this month, someone asked me about my first kiss.

My first 'kiss' was in the old choir section of the unairconditioned church I frequent now. I was in a big yellow baggy shirt and my horrendous red pants. I had glasses and my hair was a ponytailed frizzy mess and he kissed me all the same.

Of course, I define 'kiss' as lip to skin contact and a kiss on the cheek but I was 11, and at 11, it was my first contact with a guy who was not my an immediate family member and of course, being 11, at the time, for me it was bigger than what it was.

Now, my first 'real' kiss was of course more tentative then that, and up till this day, I am amazed at the indulgences of youth. I talk as if Im past my youth, haha. Often I feel I am, in comparison to the quick quick quick lives of the youth nowadays. I swear they know more about life by 15 then I did at that age.

So when this young child asked me, I -who can ramble on about anythin and everything, I was blustery and stutterring and all, "YOULL EXPERIENCE IT YOURSELF ONE DAY!"

And they should wait, you know. Nothing like that first kiss. Even before the things that come after, that first kiss encapsulates the entirety of your adolescence and awakens you to experience things beyond the safety net of childhood. Its dangerous. Its exciting. It opens the doors to an infinite number of possible experiences that only you alone can draw the line for your own limits are.

But its infinitely special, and I did tell that young child, that beautiful girl of15, that if she could wait a little bit longer, to kiss someone she really liked instead of just kissing for the opportunity to say youve done it, wait to kiss someone who liked you back and not someone who just wanted a cheap thrill, if she could wait till then, it showed willpower and the strength to go on in life not just settling for any ordinary thing, not just a kiss, I was trying to imply if she could wait for a kiss,she could wait and build the patience and grace to wait and achieve other things.

She nodded.

But I believe half of what I said went in one ear and out the other and the other half,she didnt understand.

Or she didnt want to.

We have all made errors in judgement. I have always thought that if I could take back my first kiss, I would.

Thinking aboutit now, however...no, no I would not. I would do it all over again the same way.

He is not special to me now.

But he really was then.

Moving on some.. yeah, how would you describe your first kiss?

As much as I love to write, I can't describe it.

I think if you talk too much about something, it belittles its importance.

So I suppose thats life milestone Ill keep to myself.

And yes, I would like more. ;)

Every woman should know that her childhood my not have been perfect but its over.

2008-09-06T00:57:00.014+08:00

"It's hard to be the one always waiting. I mean, there's something to be said for the hero who charges off to battle, but when you get right down to it there's a whole story in who's left behind."

-My Sister's Keeper - Jodi Picoult

I am not a constant girl.

There are girls who are naturals at constantly jumping from relationships to relationships. I've never been one of those girls.Im more of tw0 extremes,either Im in a relationship for a long time or Im in a dry spell for ages. Ill have a relationship,it will end, and Ill never speak to the guy again. I have had a fling here and there but nothing serious will erupt from it and Ill never speak to the guy again.

At least thats one constant. Not speaking again.

There are girls who live in the same country their entire lives. I lately havent been one of those girls. I switch homes every year, and as I type, am now living in my no joke, tenth bedroom in the span of four years. So I never really spend time decorating my bedroom because I know Ill move again any time.

There are girls whose periods are like clockwork. I've never been one of those girls. My periods are deranged and always leave me guessing as to when they will arrive, and Ill only know when five days before (seriously, this is the ONLY constant), Ill have a numbing pain on my right upper thigh, which I suppose is my bodys own unique version of pre menstrual symptom.

I think you get the point I'm trying to make.

Be it circumstances, be it my own life choices, every year for the past few years since I left high school, my life has been nothing but inconsistency.

I guess others would call that change.

I think at some point in my life, I will crave constant.

ButI havent reached that point yet.

not everyone has a sob story. but even if they do? thats no excuse [ as much as they may want it to be]

2008-08-21T14:43:00.002+08:00

People's lives change. To keep all your old friends is like keeping all your old clothes - pretty soon your closet is so jammed and everything's so crushed you can't find anything to wear. Help these friends when they need you; bless the years and happy times when you meant a lot to each other; but try not to feel guilty if new people mean more to you now.

-Helen Gurley

Like most people are, I am very much two extremes, where there are days all I want to do is be alone and read a good book or watch a good show on my lonesome, but I would be lying if I did not say I miss the days I'd be able to go out to a good pub or cafe and just chill with a friend or two(or three or four or more!). There are days when I am envious of my previous lifestyle or even some of my friends current lifestyles, as this country provides none of the entertainment alternatives other countries are flooded with, but I suppose a more serene and sedentary lifestyle can't be faulted too much.

I am not happy about not being in touch with many people who used to be a perfect fit in my life.

People's lives change too fast.

Happy 31st wedding anniversary, Mom and Dad.

They dont make marriages like that anymore. <3

Never write down anything you don't want anyone else to read... It's like putting a bullet in an enemy's gun

2008-08-11T17:43:00.002+08:00

"I always follwed my father's advice. First, he taught me to always keep my promises. And second, he taught me never to insult anyone intentionally.. So, if I have insulted you; you can be damn sure I intended to."
-- John Wayne.

I am..

thinking of buying property. Im looking into that. I want a house and I want to fully own in within the next 5-10 years.

now officially single. The relationship was just not working out and I have to sort out what I want, even if its not what he wants, or heck, if he is even what I want.

going to be one year in the working market this month. How time flies.

currently finally happy with my hair. Now all I need is length.

I want..

to visit Kuala Lumpur before my next birthday. I have never been.

to get a new piercing or a new tattoo before I turn 24. My logic is, past 24, youre too old to be doing that stuff.

to lose the weight I put on in Sydney. Damn you lamingtons, chocolates and meat pies.

to get my license by Christmas 2008.

And on a superficial level, I want to read more books and build my dvd collection. :D

MY WYDSYD EXPERIENCE

2008-08-09T08:19:00.002+08:00

“You will be going not as tourists, but as pilgrims.” –Rev Arin Sugit

When people hear that you’re going to, or have just come back from Sydney, Australia, the first reaction is usually “Wow, how much fun you must have had!” Looking back, we did have an immense amount of fun, but we also had our fair share of hardships and trials before, during and after WYDSYD, but of course, the pros most definitely outweighed the cons.

Attempting to describe WYDSYD is similar to asking me to cook a seven course meal. It’s possible but just very difficult to do. It is just not possible to capture on paper the visual explosion of youth, flags, Catholicism and excitement, the roaring thunder of praise and worship, chants of ‘Benedetto!’ and “Viva El Papa!” in your ears, and the tidal wave of passion and love that resonated for God The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit in almost 300,000 individuals minds, hearts, spirits and bodies. Mere words are barely enough to describe the experience WYDSYD was.

But of course, I want to try.

Attending World Youth Day has been embedded in my programming, so to speak, since I was as young as 12. I had heard about this amazing gathering of hundreds of thousands of Catholic youth of all ages from the media, from friends, peers and acquaintances, and the passion to attend was only doubled when my cousin went to WYD Cologne in 2005.

Backtracking a little, I just never thought I would have the opportunity to go in the near future, and as the world would have it, I found myself in June of 2007 trying to decide where my future would take me. I had just graduated and I was looking for a job, and inevitably, the jobs that were laid before me were in the Philippines, Singapore and Brunei. I prayed about it and left it to God. I prayed that I wanted to be somewhere I would grow spiritually because I knew because of my time in university studies, I had many distractions and sometimes left my spiritual life in the sidelines. Being back with my parents was an awakening and I was touched by their simple life as missionaries who had sold everything they had, when their previous lives were more comfortable than most. I still honor my parents for their decision as it was this selfless giving of theirs that instilled in me a passion to serve the Lord.

So, I prayed for discernment about the jobs, because I did not know which path to take. However, before I stayed with my parents, when I prayed I would stress financial security in my prayers. Then, I prayed about my spiritual security.

God works in marvelous ways, and the very next day, the job in Brunei was confirmed and with the ball rolling, I found myself in Brunei, my childhood home once again. And I found myself face to face with our Spiritual Leader, Bishop Sim, telling me in no uncertain terms that I was to come with the delegation for WYD SYD. I was so unsure. Could I afford it? I thought I couldn’t. But yes, there was a way. Could I go on unpaid leave at a job I was barely six months into? Yes. God is wonderful, so yes, yes and YES!

Preparations for it were immense. Meetings upon meetings, efforts for fundraising and retreats that served to strengthen friendships among 30 delegates who had before then never set foot in the same car together, let alone now the same planes.

I remember the times we would put our thickest faces on as we sold items ranging from soft drinks to pizza to items to food in order to raise funds. I remember the retreats where we discovered more about each other through talks and quizzes and videos, and ultimately more about each others very different personalities. I remember us attempting to prepare for the dreaded 10 km pilgrimage walk by going through Tasek Lama and us funnily stumbling through the taping of a video to be sent to the Diocese of Broken Bay, the diocese that would be hosting us Brunei pilgrims for a few days before WYD proper. I remember the times we struggled to learn how to dance for a performance to represent Brunei and to sing the WYD song, the times we started our now active blog and struggling hard to work together to create a powerpoints for Taize and Stations of the cross respectively. I was amused at seeing us all dressed up when we met the High Commissioner and while we were all still awkward with one another, we were slowly but surely warming up.

I feel even then, that we were already slowly receiving power to become witnesses. I can only speak for myself, but I was excited from the first meeting with my fellow pilgrims, and the as the months to WYDSYD dwindled into mere days, my excitement only grew….

The blast of cold air was kind of what made me realize we really were in Sydney. I was startled to see people strolling around in shorts and t shirts (they turned out to be Canadians who probably experienced colder weather!) while we were all snug in layers and scarves though! It wasn’t my first time experiencing winter, but the sheer cold made me think, yes, we definitely aren’t in Brunei anymore!

The bus ride to Broken Bay saw 30 exhausted Brunei pilgrims, pilgrims who had just traveled for almost a day via Singapore to get to Sydney, and most of us slept but we all were excited by the diversion to pass the famous Sydney Harbour bridge and Opera House. But we left the city far behind and as we pulled into the Wyoming Parish, it was a humbling experience to see so many other pilgrims in a church waiting for us…

The Days in The Diocese program was a great starter up to immerse us in the Australian culture. Matt and I were the first Brunei pilgrims to get our colorful WYD backpacks, and I was pleased at the pretty matching sleeping bag. I stayed with Jasmine and Stephanie with a man called Alain Corne, who took care of us beyond the call of duty, even taking us to Woolworths to buy silly things like a tooth brush and Dominos. He also shared his life with us and we spoke about our beliefs and faith, and every morning made sure we all had breakfast. We also put our sleeping bags to full use as there was only one single bed and none of us three wanted to sleep on it while the rest were on the floor! Stephanie at this point became my unofficial alarm clock, as she would know exactly how to get me up, because I am definitely not a morning person, and she was the only one patient enough to not leave me behind, a gesture I was always appreciative of.

Mingara was a huge open area with one massive tent and other smaller tents for workshops for most of the pilgrims of the Broken Bay area during Days in the Diocese and we were treated to Aboriginal dancing and workshops that were designed to awaken our social awareness, and performances that made us shiver. After our comfortable meals in the Wyoming Parish, I suppose most of us were shocked to see that lunch was composed of a cup of soup and bread! We teased about how this would cause a revolt if ever served elsewhere, and it also sobered us up a bit to acknowledge yes, we were pilgrims and we were not to be fussy. There were places to buy other food though, and I tried kangaroo meat just for the chance, and it was not at all what I imagined it would taste like!

Mingling with the pilgrims beyond the Brunei delegation was an eye opener. I met a Croatian who shared with me that he was unhappy with the festivities available at Mingara, as the activities were more on social awareness, as he had expected more of a spiritual retreat, but I begged to differ with him because while on the surface it seemed superficial, I told him that we had to be Catholics who was involved with the issues of the world, not simply Catholics who were ignorant of the world at large, so we would be able to be better more knowledgeable witnesses who could apply our faith in a practical way that was real to the world. I doubt he agreed with me though. I also remember a heated argument with a woman who demanded to know why a few of us Brunei delegates were “against women being priests”. I also had my eyes opened to saving water by my Australian host dad Alain who told us normally he only allowed 4 minute showers but we were ‘special’ so the rule would not apply!

Too soon, it was time to leave our ‘spoiled’ lives under our foster families, and from warm homes, we made our way into Sydney and landed in St. Margaret Mary’s primary school, where heated classrooms, portable showers (yes, you read that right! The showers were OUTDOORS, a good 50 metres from where we exited the school in the morning!) and snacks Australian style (meaning sausages, sausages and more sausages!) awaited us. But the hospitality was heartwarmingly overwhelming.

Here is where my own personal WYDSYD miracle occurred. Throughout my journey, my phone was firmly clutched and texts and calls were sent and made almost 24/7. There exist pictures of me texting away while everyone else posed! Anyway, as pilgrims, we walked everywhere, and I mean, everywhere. While the Australian government and I’m sure WYD officials did their very best to ensure we had access to transport, we also had areas where our feet was the only transport available. This was also the first time we were truly faced with crowds of such numbers that we all had to clutch to each other’s bags and keep a sight out for our Brunei flag (which we used for two reasons: to show we were from Brunei and for easy visual sighting amongst the crowds!) so we could all keep up with each other. In times the crowds were stuck, we happily chanted along with the pilgrims from France, Chile, Italy and the Philippines but always with a watchful eye for each other.

It was after one of these long walks that I felt my feet extremely painful. I was advised by one of the kindly teachers at St. Margaret Mary’s to soak my feet in warm water and the first time relieved my pain so much that the next day, I did it again….while clutching my phone.

It vibrated and I was so surprised I dropped it in the hot water, and no doubt, it turned off!

It was wet and would not turn on properly. I could hear the familiar Nokia welcoming sound distorted but no display on the screen greeted me. I understood the meaning of your heart sinking there and then. I had been having such a good time and when my phone fell in, I felt so helpless. I had received an email before that rice grain could soak up all moisture so I asked one of the kindly teachers to do it for me, and they did. But I really doubted it would do more than dry out my phone for me to replace it in Brunei.

At first, I continued the pilgrimage very depressed at my own carelessness, and yet as the time passed, I realized how very much I appreciated letting go of my connections that the phone had me tied to. I was too attached to my phone to completely immerse myself in everything WYDSYD was offering me, and with it gone (and Stephanie kindly lending me hers in the meantime!) , I felt that God had been nudging me throughout my journey and was now telling me, “Okay, NOW will you pay me attention?”

And I did. I really did.

I began appreciating the delegates around me more, and became slightly closer to unexpected people. I had mini adventures with people I did not expect to be drawn closer to, and I was pleasantly surprised at how wonderful they all were. I had been missing out by insisting to be glued to my phone!

The main reason for my excitement was seeing the Pope. I used to not love this Pope, as I had a penchant for Pope John Paul the 2nd. But, when Pope Benedict the 16th came in the boat, and the cameras showed his warm face and waving arms on screen, I was so excited I could hardly breathe. The chants of ‘BENEDETTO” grew louder and louder as he came off the boat (and by boat I mean a really really big almost yachtlike boat!) and when the Pope passed me by in his Popemobile, it sent chills down my spine and tears to my eyes. I looked around and I think everyone felt it too.

I won’t pretend to be able to quote to you his sermons or his words but just being in the atmosphere, in his presence and the same vicinity he was in seemed to make all the hardships we had been through infinitely worth it.

We attended cathechism classes in the mornings conducted by a different bishop every day and our afternoons were filled with free time and getting to the main events in Barangaroo. Seeing Damien Lieth (the Australian idol I had voted for during my studies in Perth!) live was wonderful and I remember a few of us pushing through the crowds to get closer. How fun. It was only then we had realized how FAR our allocated spots were from the main stage!

During events at Barangaroo, most of us were occupied with making friends, bartering our ‘gold silk’ (from a man’s batik) for other worldwide items as souveniers and buying merchandise to bring back home. In public transport, I remember meeting a Mexican seminarian who hoped that by the next WYD he would be a priest, and an Italian priest who was a Rastafarian as well, which I found strange! I saw people clamber up toilets in order to get a better view, and people dancing their hearts out to praise and worship.

Speaking of praise and worship, even though I shed tears joyously when I saw the Pope, it was during an hour of Adoration led Matt Maher and lifeteen that I completely and totally felt surrounded by God’s love and presence and felt like I was a sinner and being forgiven, and I suddenly was overcome with a need to be nearer to God and I wept with sorrow at my ways and was begging God for forgiveness. The fateful lyrics were ‘ Death, where is your sting? Hell, where is your victory?” I knelt and I stood and prayed and nothing and no one else around me seemed to matter but the song in my heart and God. No words are sufficient. It was then and there I felt a culmination of my years of being a young Catholic being affirmed in the presence of my brothers and sisters and yet being alone with God.

We made friends with people from all over and even if we could not speak the same language, we all did our best to communicate, even if the universal theme was that we were all most definitely there for God! Everyday in the WYDSYD crowd was so much fun. I think I heard a wise man say it was like a big party, without alcohol!

Suddenly, it came time for the 10 km pilgrimage walk. I had dreaded the day! It was cold and we were all tired and yet we were invigorated at everyone else walking towards the same goal. I heard someone say, as I walked past, “Onward, Catholic soldiers!” and indeed, though many, we were marching as one.

Slowly but surely, we arrived at the massive Randwick stadium and we gathered to stake our claim on an area which we dubbed “the Brunei empire” which was really just the area our sleeping bags covered!

Day turned to night and after the evening prayer, which climaxed in everyone having a lit candle and the entire stadium lit only by candlelight, while everyone was still cheering and chanting, most of us turned into a more somber mood and I went to pray in a tent (one of many called Sacred Spaces), and seek reconciliation with a priest. I had already had one early during a cathechisis, but I still felt I needed more, and a kind priest and I talked for a long time and he was able to make sense of what I was saying and when he gave me advice and penance and the sacrament of reconciliation was completed (by this Priest who had come all the way from New Jersey), I felt at peace and seeked the Sacred Space once more, where I sank with many other pilgrims in deep prayer and reflection. Let every other Christian have their loud praise.

No one does peace and quiet and solemnity quite like us Catholics. It was beautiful.

Even more beautiful was coming back to our tiny ‘empire’ and almost stepping on Bishop Cornelius Sim, who was only covered by a thermal blanket in the zero degree temperature! Up till this point I had been complaining about the cold, but seeing my Bishop, our Bishop of Brunei, leaving behind his warm comfortable hotel room, just to be with his flock, moved me. I was truly touched by his humility as I believe he was the only Bishop there amongst the three hundred thousand pilgrims who slept in the bitter cold of Randwick that night.

Night turned to day and the most anticipated Mass, the closing Mass to be led by the Pope himself began. Even though it was mostly in English, I appreciated the Germans and French who stumbled through the words and knew exactly when to kneel and when to stand and of course, when to pray. It was a terribly humbling mass and though everyone was tired, that morning, we were really One Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church. I felt at peace the entire Mass.

His voice trembled as he announced that Madrid would host the next WYD, but our hearts screamed because suddenly, Madrid was our next target! We all scanned the crowd looking for a Spanish face and flag! How exciting it must have been for them to know they were the next host city!!

And what was my own personal WYD miracle? During the walk, I lifted my phone to God in passing, and when I came back to St. Margaret Marys, I took the phone and put it back with its battery and lo and behold. It was working and is still working perfectly today!

It’s the aftermath of WYDSYD, and I were back in Brunei. I am so blessed to still be in touch with my fellow WYD delegates. We share a kinship now, I suppose, having survived the cold together, the sausages and tuna together, the tiredness, the walking! We support each other in being able to recharge the high we got during WYD and relating it to ‘real’ world. It’s a challenge! But we will face it together. We acknowledge that we are not the future of the Catholic church, but its present, and we know we have received power from the Holy Spirit and are just craving to be witnesses!

Already, as I type this, we are planning our next retreat and I had even mustered up the strength and courage (and thick facedness!) to share to the Bahasa group about my experience..in Bahasa! That was how inspired and ignited I was to share and be a witness!

I also remember how Australia was suffering from a drought and were praying for rain. I believe half of us were praying for it not to rain because most activities were outdoors and it was cold! Well, the entire time we were there, it did not rain at all. I was in the merchandise store on the last day of WYD at Hyde Park and it rained! The guard looked at me and said, “It’s a beautiful finale, to have it rain only on the last day of WYD, isn’t it?”

Yes, it truly was.

I was so proud to represent the wonderful Vicariate Youth of Brunei. The Vicariate should be proud for without every parishioners support in the form of donations (financial an otherwise!) and prayers, we could not have made it. Rev. Arin did the best job he could leading us all, and we were able to get the most out of our pilgrimage as we could. Bishop was eternally there whenever we needed him, and I could not express my gratitude more to the adult helpers who patiently guided us younger ones and us younger ones who helped and looked out for each other. No one was lost, but really somehow, during WYD, I felt so found.

I could go on and on about the experiences, for there are so many, and I have only mentioned the bare minimum here but truthfully, yes, WYDSYD touched my life, but it was the times and friendships and moments with the WYDSYD Brunei delegation that will forever be in my heart and will affect my life as I know it. Whatever happens in life, we will forever be tied to each other as WYDSYD 08 pilgrims, and I know each of us have been changed in one way or another by this beautiful pilgrimage! Ate Jen said it best when she said we can make everyday a mini-WYD!

Yes, I am an official WYDSYD pilgrim, and I can barely wait for my (hopefully) next one!

After all, WYD Madrid really is only 3 years away...

Other people do not have to change for us to experience peace of mind.

2008-08-06T08:31:00.003+08:00

Here's my theory on men and women.

When a man meets a woman he decides within around thirty seconds whether or not he finds her attractive. If he doesn't, they become friends. If he does, they might become friends, but the potential for them to become lovers never quite goes away.

When a woman meets a man she decides within around thirty seconds whether or not she finds him attractive. Even if she doesn't, they become friends, but at any given point in their relationship she could fall in love with him. She could fall in love with him because he's kind, sensitive, and he makes her laugh.

Because she grows up and realizes the sexual attraction is not the be-all and end-all to life.

Because she finally realizes that she deserves a nice guy.

That nice guys aren't all boring. That sometimes they do wonders for your ego, that sometimes they're just what you need.

((Straight Talking - Jane Green))

Thanks to my spiritual pilgrimage, I'm reorganizing a lot of my priorities. Things that were once the all and end all for me no longer are, and the things that weren't have somehow become so. That happens when you have lots and lots of time given to you to think, to pray, to comtemplate ( hello, ten kilometre pilgrimage walk, anyone?) and discern.

No, i did not have a huge revelation or earth shattering epiphany on any aspect of my life. But I have learned that I must accept life with peace and grace.

Kind of hard for someone of my energy and volume.

I've narrowed down, basically, who my friends are. And who aren't.

What I *really* like to do. What I really don't.

I'm also working on a one year and five year plan. After all, I'm not necessarily getting any younger and while drinks and fun are always on the menu, I have to get real.

So I'm definitely working on that.

dreamers can find their way by moonlight and their only punishment is that they see the dawn before the rest of the world

2008-08-01T11:08:00.002+08:00

you may not remember
the time you let me go first
or the time you dropped back
to tell me it wasn't that far to go
or the time you waited
at the crossroads for me
to catch up
you may not remember
any of those, but i do
& this is what I have to say to you:
today, no matter what it takes
we ride home together. - brian andreas

How can one ever hope to even describe it?

I will try one day, but not today.

For now, i revel in my pilgrimage, i am entralled by my experience and if ever I write about it, I will.

But I will not be able to do justice to the life changing, mind altering, Catholic soldiers marching on experience that was World Youth Day Sydney 08.

I am back.

And I am happy.

Learn to... be what you are, and learn to resign with a good grace all that you are not

2008-07-08T08:22:00.003+08:00

Why in moments of crisis do we ask God for strength and help? As cognitive beings, why would we ask something that may well be a figment of our imaginations for guidance? Why not search inside ourselves for the power to overcome? After all, we are strong enough to cause most of the catastrophes we need to endure.
- Bill Scheel (Starbucks customer from London, Ontario)

I read a lot of quotes. I agree with a lot of them. I don't really agree with the beginning of the quote but I do agree with the latter part. If we eff our lives up without anyone's help, we have to look into ourselves and find in us the ability to fix it too.

Thirty delegates. Thats more than we expected.

A few months ago when i arrived in Brunei, I was invited by my beloved Bishop to attend World Youth Day Sydney08. To be honest, my first initial reaction was,"Ok, thats great, but can I afford it?" Each delegate pays their own way, and in order to ease the financial burden, we did a lot of fund raising. And in the process, we all got to know each other spectacularly well.

Since I was a kid, I always wanted to go to a World Youth Day. And now that I can, well, as a small gift to myself, spiritually especially as it is a pilgrimage NOT a sight seeing tour, materially, because its the first major trip I ever bought for myself (uni excursions and travels dont count haha), mentally, because I need the time away from work, physically, because I neeed a new experience, emotionally, because I need a break from my connections, and overall, just because I would like to experience a pilgrimage. Australia is not new to me, but this spiritual journey will be.

wydbrunei08.blogspot.com has captured our journey thus far, and will be capturing it from tmrw onwards.

I invite you all readers to join us in praying for our pilgrimage and I hope you have fun visiting the blog.

thought there was love in everything and everyone/ You're so naive

2008-07-03T08:26:00.002+08:00

All I wanted was to be invisible. It was a simple request. It didn't involve anyone else. When I was in a room with another person, I felt like I was only half there. When I was in a room with two other people, I felt like a third of myself. When I was in a room with three other people, I felt like a quarter of myself. And when I was in a whole crowd of people, I felt like nobody.

- Dot from the movie The Quiet

I am a very obnoxious person. It comes naturally to me, really. I mean that because I don't bother to conform to most of what the world is considered ideal (you know, perfect superficial aesthetic beauty if youre a woman for example), because I don't really like making those childish scathing remarks, because I am thought of as 'boring', I am quite easy to make fun of.

And I often am made fun of, and I know it, despite what most people think.

And they belong to a Catholic Community.

And they wonder why numbers are dwindling.

With 'friends' like those, who needs enemies?

But I enjoy their company, and sometimes they treat me well. So I stay while theyre entertained. Even if I'm almost always on the outside looking in. Even if I know they will cast me aside anytime.

I am not as dumb as they think I am.

And thats their cross to bear, not mine.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday

2008-07-02T11:05:00.002+08:00

In all aspects of the word, I have love. The security, the comfort, the warmth of it. I revel in it.

I am thankful for it.

But there comes a point when you have to decide if its really worth keeping.

I am not easy to love and at this point, after knowing everything we have been though, I am considering the non pursuance of a love affair and for that..

I am ashamed of myself.

children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them.

2008-06-27T12:14:00.011+08:00

Well, you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but your so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks, and I'm tryin to get back
before the cool done run out I'll be givin it my bestest

and nothin's gonna stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

But I won't hesitate no more,
no more, it cannot wait I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
open up your plans and damn you're free
look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing
We're just one big family
And it's our god forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved Loved

So, i won't hesitate no more,
no more, it cannot wait i'm sure
there's no need to complicate our time is short
this is our fate, i'm yours

I've been spendin' way too long checkin' my tongue in the mirror
and bendin' over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
and so I drew a new face and I laughed

I guess what I'd be sayin' is there ain't no better reason
to rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
it's what we aim to do
our name is our virtue

But I won't hesitate no more, no more
it cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
open up your plans and damn you're free
look into your heart and you will find that the sky is yours
so please don't, please don't, please don't,
there's no need to complicate,
Cause our time is short
This, this, this is our fate,
I'm yours

- I'm Yours by Jason Mraz

I don't have a camera.

Maybe I'll get one some day, but for the now, I rely on my phone and on most occasions, kind friends who send me their copies of photos which have me in them.

I hardly never put pictures up.
Hardly ever do I show my life beyond the words words words that spill from my fingers.

Hardly ever do I even imagine that my life is picture worthy.
But sometimes.

Not all the time, but sometimes..

It is.

Adulthood, its a very strange notion.

I am an adult.

I am not an adult.

I won't pretend that I am perfectly happy with everything in my life. I am however, content with the life I'm slowly building in the country my childhood happened in. I have my social groups. I have my friends. I have my acquaintances. I have my family. I have my friends who have become my family.

I have learned to make time for myself. I have learned when to say no. I have learned when to say yes.

Most of the time, I feel like Im play acting that I'm all done with university, happily graduated and working.

Sometimes, I feel it. The financial self sufficiency and reliancy. The responsibilities. The love. The obligations.

And in the most basic way, its still hard to believe its true.

But yeah, like my sometimes picture worthy life...

it is.

the most audacious thing I could possibily state in this day and age is that life is worth living

2008-06-23T12:20:00.002+08:00

- webuildfire

Its amazing how aesthetic beauty affects so many things.

Whenever my parents visit, its always such an emotionally enriching and yet draining experience. And I always notice something new.

Like how I have nothing but happy memories of my childhood but there are things my dad does nowadays that he never did for me when I was a child. Its funny,we were having dinner and he said he was excited to play with his first grandchild, and I realised he never played with me when I was younger. He was not so giving in his love, or had a harder time showing it then. And its hard for me to receive it.

Its awkward. Its different. We're trying.

He's such a changed man nowadays and I'm grasping, trying to catch up to his changes as fast as I can.

Because so help me, this version of my dad is the one I craved growing up, and I dont care if he only just arrived.

Or perhaps he was always there. I was just too caught up in my world to make sense or appreciate it.

but I understand doing something you know you shouldn't be doing, and knowing at the same time it's not wrong

2008-06-16T07:45:00.000+08:00

There is a part of me that wants to write, a part that wants to theorize, a part that wants to sculpt, a part that wants to teach...To force myself into a single role, to decide to be just one thing in life, would kill off large parts of me. Rather, I recognize that I love now and only now, and I will do what I want to do *this* moment and not what I decided was best for me yesterday.
--Hugh Prather, Notes To Myself

Random facts about me that you may or may not necessarily find interesting.

1. Whenever I check my bank balance, and see my salary in, I like to keep it in there for a day or two and pretend I actually can use all the money in there for me and me alone.

2. I think I suffer from trichotillomania. Its a weird habit that I find immensely satisfying which may or may not mean I need psychiatric drugs.

3. I am better with numbers with a big calculator and a spreadsheet. Not in my head. I can even mistake double digit figures.

4. I am more fluent with the english language when I write, not so much when I speak. When i speak I sound like a girl whose english is not her first language but rather her 3rd, or maybe even 4th.

5. I can't cook to save my life.

Okay, correction. I could cook to save my life. Just not cook very well. Whatever cooking gene that exists, it skipped me. I think when they were giving the cooking gene out, I was probably not paying attention and had my had buried in a book.

My country celebrated its 110th day of independance this year. I am far from the most Filipino person out there, mostly because I don't look like one, sadly, the beauty that is bestowed upon most of my general Filo friend population, as well as our supposedly innate ability to dance and sing? Uh, its NOT a prerequisite to being filipino if it was, then eff that, that gene skipped me too.

But I do like to write.

I like to write..

Yeah. I like to write a lot.

I think I'll always be a frustrated writer trying to kick away the notion that she should be doing something more family accepted, like accounting.

Anyway, its a new week. Lets see what delights it brings.

Even if you take yourself away from the person who holds you fast, if that person still thinks you are his, you always will be

2008-06-09T17:46:00.002+08:00

"Amnesia is not knowing who one is and wanting desperately to find out. Euphoria is not knowing who one is and not caring. Ecstasy is knowing exactly who one is - and still not caring."
- Another Roadside Attraction-

I unpacked one of my boxes and found my dad's old travel scrabble set, the set he and I used to play against each other with when I was a little girl. I don't think I ever beat him more than once in the dozens of times we played. He honed my vocabulary skills that way, and I remember clearly beating a teacher when I was in Form 1.

I like scrabble. I want to find more people to play it with.

I've destroyed my liver more over my past 4 years in university than I think I will my entire life. Some people think people who can drink a lot are so great and their drinking capacity has improved over the years. I beg to differ and think its because we've destroyed our livers and it can't function anymore.

Just a mental note.

I went for a retreat this weekend, and I learned that I am a Red. I react according to my feelings, and my inner mantra is "Why not?" and I like having fun. I am a trial and error person, I don't think things through thoroughly enough, don't like authority figures and am constantly looking for new things to try and I like taking risks. I am dynamic and friendly and I am better at making friends than keeping them.

Okay, that last thing was something I threw in there but really, I am. I am transient by nature and am aware my friendships wherever I am, will also be so.

Which is why whenever I realise I've somehow earned someone's friendship enough for them to care about picking me up at 730 am for work so I wont have to brave a walk in the pouring rain, or received a nifty present from people who came back from holidays in Phils and KL, gotten a phone call 'just because', sends by mail my fave shows on dvd, surprising me at midnight with pizza, and ending up chilling with the most random of people on the most random of nights...

It kinda makes me question that transient belief sometimes.

... we kiss. And it feels like we have just shrugged off the world

2008-05-29T19:35:00.003+08:00

To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you, is to have kept your soul alive.

~ Robert Louis Stevenson

Everyone keeps thinking about the meaning of life and our purpose for being here.

Can I tell you a secret?

For a second, I want you to close your eyes to whatever religion you worship.

(And this comes from a staunch Catholic. Just think with me for a second.)

There could be that there's no big purpose or reason. By no fault or want of our own, we are born.

And then, if we're blessed, we grow older.

We wake, some in the morning, some in the afternoons, but we wake...we wake to live our lives, to do whatever it is we are raised to (or if youre lucky, choose to) do, and then when we're tired, or bored, we go to sleep, preferably in a bed.

No matter the background music, its as simple and ordinary as that.

Some of us drive too fast, have sex too fast, drink too much, spend too much (moderation is the key, people, though thankfully not the rule). Some of us dont drive at all, dont drink, dont spend and grow old wondering why when they could have, they didn't risk. A few jump off cliffs or are pushed, pushed beyond their comfort zones to become great, and years later, wonder where their glory years went. Others drown themselves, in sorrow, water, money or women. Some choose pills, either the dietary kind, or something with just a little more kick.

A lot of us are gone in a blink of an eye, because of an accident, because of a mistake. If you're very lucky, if youre very fortunate, its old age and time that stops you.

But hows this for consolation: than the moments where everything is a kaleidoscope of colour, an hour here, and hour there.

A moment here.

A moment there.

Precious times when our lives seem, against all odds and against every expectation, to simply throw itself open and suddenly give us everything we've ever imagined.

Beauty, for even a moment, despite it all.

But everyone but children (and perhaps even they) know these hours will inevitably be followed by others, some that are far darker and more difficult.

And yet, we cherish this life, for its for these moments we live.

Our lives are in everything we do.

And then, we sleep again.

And when we wake, whether its in the morning, afternoon or night; we hope, more than anything,we hope..

..for more.

A lie can be halfway round the world before the truth has even got its pants back on

2008-05-28T17:16:00.002+08:00

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

The Call- Regina Spektor

I am very harshly against the thought of goodbyes.

Or should I say, at the thought of being the one left behind? Im used to leaving people.

There have been a lot of answered prayers lately.

Life is going as well as it can be, and Im getting into my routine of 8 to 5 work (which stretches to seven on most days!), the occasional social event, church activities and lots of me time when I can spare it. My days used to be scattered with moments where I chased temporary highs, and while I admit I look back on those days with a fondness that could break your heart if you knew how fond, these days, I can't really afford to, with all the plan plan plans and expectations of me thrown around.

Expectations to succeed. Alarmingly high, from family, friends, peers, strangers.

And expectations to fail. Alarmingly high, from family, friends, peers, strangers.

I used to live for the expectations. To prove them wrong. To prove them right. But now, I just..live. As best as I can, I live.

Its hard. You know? Knowing you have only yourself to blame? Putting full responsibility on yourself for the choices you make. Lol.

You know that feeling, where theres calm before the storm?

Its calm for me now. Alarmingly so. In all aspects of the word, its calm. But I can feel the storm brewing. I am a born optimist, but have recently become an idealist, which, Im afraid is due to a lot of life changing events in the recent history of my life.

But my world is simple.

So don't step into it right now.

It just might break.

How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat/ Some dance to remember, some dance to forget.

2008-05-20T12:23:00.002+08:00

Don't wonder why people go crazy... wonder why they don't. In the face of all we can lose in a day, in an instant, wonder what the hell it is that makes us hold it together. -- Grey's Anatomy

You think at 18 you know everything.

I was at a debut the other day, this lovely little girl who I watched grow up is now 18, and I could see in her all the loveliness there is still to be had. She was cautious and nervous yet excited and happy all at the same time. To be especially corny, she's not a girl anymore, but she's not a woman. Yet. She was beyond lovely and I was thrilled to be one of her candles.

Yeah yeah, I'm corny.

Probably in the same way I love coming-of-age films, I love coming-of-age rituals like these. Perhaps because in my own way, I realise, I still have a lot of coming-of-aging (yeah yeah its a new word :P) to do.

You know, when I was 18, I thought I knew absolutely everything.

And it was only recently that I came to terms with the fact that for all my bravado and all the, lets call it uh, experiences, I went through, when I was 18, for all the fun, for all the aches..I knew absolutely nothing at all.

But I didn't know that then.

When I see the younger generation rush rush rush to grow up, by swearing, by engaging in promiscuity, underaged drinking, so on and so forth, I just want to make them pause. Too much, too fast, oh too soon.

TV and movies lie, children. Thats not what growing up is about.

But I won't tell you now.

You wouldn't listen to me anyway.

You'll just have to learn the hard way.

And despite the bumpiness and the consequences and what you wake up to the next day and the disapproval and the and the "I TOLD YOU SO" and 'mistakes'...

wow, is the hard way fun sometimes.

the only normal people are the ones you don't know very well

2008-05-11T12:35:00.004+08:00

"My point is, there are a lot of people in the world. No one sees everything the same way you do; it just doesn't happen. So when you find one person who gets a couple of things, especially if they're important ones... you might as well hold on to them. You know?"

- Lock and Key by Sarah Dessen

So, how smart is it, to see a vodka bottle right and assume it contained water, pour yourself a full glass and drink it straight up, and realise everyone thinks woah that girl's great but having to smother your surprise and just go through with it because the alternative is just too silly?

Yeah, happened to me last night. Tsk. Yet another drinking mishap.

But its all good. I admitted it later on and everyone laughed. I dont blame them, I would have laughed at me, too.

A really really old friend and I had a long overdue phone chat at around 2 am. When I hung up, I just felt so warm and fuzzy inside, I can't explain it. It was good and kind of rekindled something in me. Thank God for small tokens of attention like this. It was a jolt I needed and appreciated and made me smile.

I also found one tree hill first half of season 5 in one of the many dvd places around the country. Damn, am I thrilled. Totally watching all of it in one go.

Still a Leyton fan. Its insane how much Im rooting for that pairing.

In other news, its mothers day today and my mother is not here, she's in malaysia. So I bought a rose for a sort of proxy mother. And she was pleased, I think, or so Id like to think so.

On a funnier note, Ive noticed when i dress down, when Im in t shirts and jeans, I can pass for a student. And at the blood drive, they asked me if Im a St. Georges student. O. M. G. I always stress I look younger now than i did when I was actually younger. And at work, the colleagues didnt believe I'm 22, they believe I'm older. I suppose its because Im less playful (or try to be) at work. My aura's defnitely younger I think.

I gave blood today.

This is only the second other time Ive ever given blood. I was so happy too. I was excited and ready and politely, really, I asked the doctor if a recent piercing would make my blood unfit to be given and instead of giving me a simple yes or no, she started being all preachy and telling me the piercing was unnecessary blah blah blah. She even wanted to look and just made all this noise.I took none of her self righteousness and asked her point blank if my blood, which is a rare type or so Im told, AB negative I think, was fit to be donated or should i just go home? She kept silent and said yes.

Biatch.

I was so annoyed.

Oh well, she's lucky Im nicer now. I think.

He trusts me absolutely - I trust he does. And I? I trust him absolutely, to be absolutely human

2008-05-10T13:09:00.002+08:00

When you see such photos, you can't help but wonder at just how sweet and sad and innocent all moments of life are rendered by the tripping of a camera's shutter, for at that point the future is still unknown and has yet to hurt us, and also for that brief moment, our poses are accepted as honest.
[generation x - douglas coupland]

I had my nails painted black recently. I was called 'emo' by the youth I serve, and I said,"hey, some drink their sorrows away, others cut. I paint my nails black."

Okay, thats beyond lame, I know. :D

I am an introvert.

Okay, thats a bit of a lie.

If you asked the people I went to university with, I'd assume most would say I was a bit of an extrovert. Aside from being loud, which is an understatement, it also means I tried out for everything and anything that would make my post-graduation curriculum vitae chock full of achievements, participations, leader posts and activities. You name it, chances are I've done it.

I simply exhausted every opportunity, mostly because I wanted the experience, and I didnt want to waste any moment.

But in all honesty, I am more of an introvert, happier alone than in a crowd, than I ever dared to admit.

Lately, I have found myself less and less comfortable in a crowd, though when I used to bask in the attention, I was never fully confident enough to completely pull it off.

I always felt that everyone kind of sort of knew that I wasnt.

Wasn't confident, I mean.

The strange contradiction about me is that while Im extremely self confident about myself in some areas, I am also extremely low self esteemed in others. I am confident enough to leave the house without a dash of makeup on, and I wear whatever I feel like wearing. But that uncomfortable streak which was absent in me during my uber confident university days, its surfacing now more than ever, maybe especially because I am back in the place where my awkward adolescense took place.

I grew up here.

I should be comfortable here.

But as each day passes, who am I kidding?

It has largely to do with the fact that my parents are no longer tied to their missionary contract or their missionary lives. Which makes me happy because now I feel they can move on. However, because I am tied to my parents expectations, I once thought that because they were so active, I should be too. They are no longer tied to the community in Brunei, the community I always proudly claimed was the reason behind my staunch faith.

But lately, after everything Ive witnessed and experienced, I'm not so sure anymore.

Though I want to serve, truly.

I'm just not so sure what for anymore.

And if Im serving just out of routine, I may as well not.

So I gotta make sense of that and figure that out myself.

And forgive me if I repeat myself, but I am also becoming more and more of an introvert lately.

Truly.

Nothing beats staying home and just pampering yourself with a drink and a good movie. A friend or two over? Heaven on earth.

Ah, there are just so many people and places I am so damn tired of.

So superficial. I don't understand how they can be. Or maybe I just can't relate.

Even drinking is less appealing. Could I possibly, *gasp*, finally have outgrown it?

Nah.

If it wasnt so illegal here...hmm. Food for thought.

I still throw myself at work, at church, among the handful of associates who are slowly but surely becoming my friends. Lifelong ones? Maybe not. But transcendant ones necessary in this phase of my life? Surely.

And yes, I should feel so at home. I spent fifteen years here growing up here, for eff's sake.

So (no matter how 'emo' this sounds) why do I feel lately more and more like a tourist looking for her way home?

But on a happier note, I looked at my receipts lately, of money I've been able to send to my parents and so on and so forth. I was a bit surprised. I've actually been able to send that much?

I've been able to help that much?

*whistles*

At this point in my life, I am financially independant from my parents.

Not emotionally though.

And if nothing else...

That has to be an accomplishment.

dreams permit each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives

2008-05-01T17:30:00.002+08:00

She did not know where she was; she was not entirely sure who she was. It is astonishing just how much of what we are can be tied to the beds we wake up in in the morning and it is astonishing how fragile that can be.
Coraline by Neil Gaiman.

You once jokingly said, "Remember me!!"

That was on a cold Saturday night, and Sunday was creeping in. We had yet another one of our evening sessions, where we seemed to think we would remain young forever. The future lay untold before us.

Its amazing how all our lives are so intertwined, yet so seperate.

How a life that once lived in parallel are no longer even really in acknowledgement of the other's existences.

And how some survive in spite of, or maybe even, because of, the distance and time spent apart.

And how one that once used to be in a completely opposite world is suddenly thrust into anothers, shaking comfort zones.

For better.

Or for worse?

Only time will tell.

I miss the simple friendships of years gone past, and I treasure them. And like I said before, I carry them in my heart, every where I go. Hand in hand, we're all tangled up in each other.

Would you forgive me if I let go?

Of course you would.

Would you forgive me if I can't seem to?

I think you'd be surprised if I could.

My past is a colorful yet beautiful yet saddening blur. My future is unrealised. My present is happening at a pace I can't control.

The past seems like something I can.

(Even if I know, I know I can't.)

So forgive me as today, I can't seem to stop remembering.

As April closes down and May sweeps in...

I remember you.

some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again

2008-04-09T10:42:00.002+08:00

I walked through the metal detector,
holding my breath,
as if I had something to hide.
And I suppose I did,
but my secrets wouldn't set off those alarms.
-Jodi Picoult, Change of Heart

Secrets.

Everyone's got them. Embarassing, silly, horrifying, humiliating, secretly proud of secrets.

My private secrets would make your very hairs stand on end. And maybe even pleasantly surprise you.

But my public secrets are nothing to hide.

Oh, you know what public secrets are. Everyone knows about them. But nobody talks in public about it or even to the person in question about them because 'its secret'.

Whatever.

People talk. They talk and they talk about someone until theyve run out of breath and still somehow manage to find something about that person to talk about the next day.

It defies logic.

And then there are the lies that people try to pass as truths.

Repetition of a lie does not make it a truth.

I know your truths, ladies and gentlemen. I have my sources. People who you think are your friends, tell me. People who I think are my friends probably tell you too.

Complicated small worlds here. Everyone knows everyone else. And everyone has a face for every person they meet and will tell them anything just to know a tad bit more.

Psh.

But just because I know about the reality of your life, even if I know the harsh truth of you, the raw embarassing tales about your life, your adolescence, your wealth, your education, your relationships, your friendships, your scandals, your vices, your hidden desires...that doesnt make me worthy to talk about what is, at the end of the day, your life and your business.

Even if we've never spoken face to face properly about many issues regarding you, I know. Because I know, believe me, I know... and heck who are we kidding?

You probably know all my reality too.

Or at least think you do.

If I fall asleep with a pen in my hand, don't remove it - I might be writing in my dreams

2008-04-07T09:50:00.004+08:00

I once knew a girl
in the years of my youth
with eyes like the summer
all beauty and truth.
In the morning I fled,
left a note and it read:

Someday you will be loved.

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret,
'cause each broken heart will eventually mend.
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread,
someday you will be loved.

You'll be loved, you'll be loved,
like you never have known.
The memories of me
will seem more like bad dreams.
Just a series of blurs,
like I never occurred.
Someday you will be loved.

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
and everytime tears roll down your cheeks.
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet.
Someday you will be loved.

-Someday You Will Be Loved/ Death Cab For Cutie

This song resonates through me. I am a selfish giver of love. I am a gentle giver of love. I am a choosy giver of love.

But hard as it is to fathom, I do love.

And I am sorry, but I cannot pretend that I felt any regret for not loving the ones I have let go.

Even if I know maybe they were good for me.

I wonder about a lot of my past loves, sweet as they were, bitter as they were. And I cannot regret loving them (tho I can also say I didnt feel regret letting them go their own way) because at the time, they were exactly what i wanted, but had I known then but I knew now, perhaps I wouldnt have gotten myself tangled up in them. But you know, had I not had them in my life, perhaps I also wouldnt know now what I didnt know then. Complicated. But what is life without love, be it platonic, celibate, fiery, passionate, numbing.

Sometimes its requited. Just as many times, it is not.

My breakups have been funny. There was the one I couldnt forget, who I pined a year for. And then there were the ones I forgot the second after. Love and life is funny sometimes.

Who are we kidding? Its funny a lot of the time.

Its when you make that step to cut the tie of love that can identify how much love really was there, and I am not the best one to love. I am hard to love. I am difficult, you deserve better, I say. (They nearly always do. Deserve better, I mean.)

You will be loved, someday, I have told my pasts. My loves and almost loves.

I broke their hearts, they say. I have hurt them,they cry. Why can I not love them?

I am firm. "You will be loved."

Just not by me.

I am not responsible for your broken heart.

And broken hearts will eventually mend. Slowly yes. But they will.

Trust me. Mine did.

Was I trying to make myself feel better? Was I trying to console them somehow, make up for what I could not find in me to give?

I feel like there was a weight of promise in my words.

I hope I did not give them false hope.

And I always add, even as a gentle footnote to my prayers, day by day, that they really will be loved.

Someday.

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Then are dreamt of in your philosophy.

2008-03-28T19:31:00.006+08:00

Be not too hasty to trust or admire the teachers of morality; they discourse like angels, but they live like men.

Dr. Samuel Johnson

I fretted yesterday because I fell asleep while you were on the phone telling me about your day.

I panicked a little because you didn't reply to my apologetic texts the next day.

I wanted to kill you when you called later and told me your phone battery died and I had wasted my time worrying about nothing at all and you were and are still there.

I love how youre always there and I hope you never ever stop being there.

You're a good part of my life and it really really is horrible how youre so far away.

Easter has come and gone, and work has been challenging but whee at some aspects! There may or may not be a new addition to the Tiama family, which is in itself exciting. What passes for my love life is sweet when it has to be and bitter at the distance and in disbelief at being requited. Every now and again, I get surprised by a much welcomed text, call, email, what have you and they make my day.

I enjoy my prayer life and my service to my local church though it of course has its time constraints since I am working full time too so I can't really give my all. I love being able to help the family but I keep getting told repeatedly that I need to draw a line on when my familial obligations start and my obligations to myself begin.

But anyone who loves their family will admit thats easier said than done and for now, I really cant be fucked distinguishing the line. sincere.

"HOW ARE YOU!?" asked the umpteenth stranger, and before I can reply, he or she has already swept by without even hearing my answer. They pause to ask, but don't pause long enough to know the reply.

"How are you?!" asked the friend, and before I can reply, he has started telling me exactly how he is doing instead. And when he's done venting or gloating, he forgets to wait for my answer. Which of course won't come.

"How are you!" she asked, and I tell her, but I don't think my words really sink in. I think my words are making as much an impact to her as the air between us and I could have been telling her the weather forecast for all the attention she then paid my remarks.

"How are you?" she asked, and when I tell her, she can't accept that I may not be doing fine. And she twists my words to fit her stance on how I really am, and then proceeds to tell me exactly how she feels I am really feeling.

"How are you?" he asked and he can't accept I'm doing well. He picks a flaw in my spill of good news and he finds the weakest point and attacks. He doesnt want to know how come I'm faring better than he is.

And then there are the people who don't need to ask how I am, and with just one look at me, can tell exactly how I am feeling. Words are superfluous.

Words, for once, are not needed.

Words, for once, are unimportant.

You don't need to pretend, you know? If you really wanted to know how I am, or how another is, you wouldnt ask in passing or ask for the sake of having something to say. Those who have already been told don't need to ask and those who have to ask to be told should consider there must be a reason they weren't told in the first place. If you never trusted me before, trust me on that.

There needs to be a new greeting invented, because "HOW ARE YOU" is quite tedious to my ears and lately I find myself brushing off anyone who asks.

So, if you suddenly ask me, and I brush you off, its not me being mean, its me saving us the awkwardness of you not really caring how I am. Let's skip that and get right on to whatever we were supposed to be doing.

We are all selfish creatures, myself included. Lets not be pretentious as well.

But incidentally?

I'm tired, of course. My skin is stressed, my hair is often or not in a lazy ponytail and sometimes I forget to iron a shirt. My groceries are still getting to their expiry date faster than I can decide to use them and I still can't cook or drive. I miss my family, of course. I miss you and you and you. My heart has aches from where you are all supposed to fit in my life, from where you are supposed to be.

But other than that...

Happily and for the now and for all that it matters...

I am all good, thank you very much.

Someone said to Voltaire, "Life is hard." Voltaire replied, "Compared to what?"

2008-03-20T03:57:00.003+08:00

We all have masks that we hide behind. People that don't know how to show emotions make masks up for different people in different situations in their life. The question is how do you cure it? How do you become yourself? Is there a cure for mankind?

Disease: covering your emotions-afraid to be yourself

Cure: get rid of the masks, get rid of the fear

-Ravena

I watched A Good Year earlier this evening. It was much better than I thought it would be and Russel Crowe is so versatile and Marion Cotillard is beautiful. "Pardon my lips, they find joy in unusual places''is corny even coming from Russel but when taken into the context of the story and taking into account the two childrens presumed first kisses, it was so sweet.

Movie lines are so corny though. You could hardly ever imagine using them in real life.

I am very tired and very thankful for the two days off work.

Perhaps I can finally read a book again.

and by protecting my heart truly/ i got lost in the sounds I hear in my mind

2008-03-13T23:18:00.012+08:00

The best moments in reading are when you come across something - a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things - that you'd thought special, particular to you. And here it is, set down by someone else, a person you've never met, maybe even someone long dead. And it's as if a hand has come out, and taken yours.
The History Boys

"You must be Catholic."

Its a strange label to put someone in a box according to religion. But while Ive been noted as Catholic previously, I have never been called that in an admiring tone before. Its more like "oh, you don't support abortion.You must be Catholic" "Omg youre going home after clubbing to go straightto church on Sunday? You must be Catholic." You know.

This time though, ths was told to me twice in the past week, by two separate people, in two separate contexts. One was a by a guy who noticed the bruises on my knee and shin (I think due to excessive kneeling brought about by this holy time of the Church calendar) and said so, and a colleague who said she felt joy emanating from me (okay, she said it less articulately but that was the gist of what she meant.) even when she knew I was having an overload of work and she as a Muslim found it especially refreshing to speak openly about our separate religions and faith. I respect other religions and beliefs, as long as you respect mine as well.

I liked being told that, in any case, especially now when Im striving hard to be a better Catholic.

So, on occasion I indulge or, thanks to my friends, get indulged, to massages and the like, but I have never ever thought of trying a body scrub at the spa. It just sounds...painful. But you know, mostly because I didnt pay for it, it was good. I felt totally light and four times cleaner afterward, though. But I think for the same price Id just get a massage any day.

Its a running joke among my closest of the close friends that I could care less about having the newest phone, or in fact, even a phone that has features beyond the essential calling and texting functions. Cher even made me laugh when she commented that I made her look phone obssessed, when even she isnt in comparison to our counterparts. Karan in 2007 lamented over the fact that I still had the same phone I left Miri in 2006 with (which at that point I had it for 2 years already.) I think Stephanie uh..didnt care. Hee. I really didnt even had a mourning session when my faithful phone died in May oflast year and JUST WOULDNT TURN ON. It died :(

I replaced it with a minimal upgrade, so the perks of non polyphonic ringtones, the wowness of internet 24/7 at the push of a button, being cam ready and so on ad so forth were totally lost on me until very recently, with my baby brother exchanging phones with me. Its...complicated. I don't think,if I had to pay for it, that I would actually ever spend so much on a phone. Its appalling when there are so many other things that that money could be used for. But the geek in me is just a little *squee* at the things this one can do. But yeah. Me and technologically advanced phones dont click.

Embarassing moment came when Cher asked me what model it was.I had no idea. I was searching the net looking for similar models, asking around etc etc. And when she said,"Remove the battery, you'll see the model at the back."

Its like..DUH. Insert anime sweat right about..

here.

Im currently having Hellogoodbye and Regina Spektor on my repeats. Check them out. Try 'Here In Your Arms" by the previous and 'On The Radio' by the latter.

I heard a song on the radio the other day that was so similar to a swedish version I loved back in Perth. It was about a female bot and the singer thought she was a bot then he found out she was a girl ..anyway, it doenst matter, now its english and called "Now Youre Gone' (I think) and its totally not as funny! :( Basshunter, how could you?

Total gift, I think we may get two days off work this week. *hopes* I crave rest.

I am trying to give up meat for Holy Week. Its..harder than it sounds, Im a total chicken eater :(

Also, I hate animals. You know this, right?

I dont croon over cute dogs or cats. I never visit the zoo. I never pet pets. Ill take pictures with them because I look adorable besie

But it struck me today that most people, not all, but most? They like animals. For some reason. Maybe..Perhaps I just never had the opportunity to like animals growing up. In any case, Ive decided if I ever get a pet, like Im sure my future husband or child or whatever will catch me a weak moment and i falter and agree?

Im naming it Tobias if its male.

I should sleep now. Im stressed at work and dont get enough rest as it is.

I am finally not home alone anymore. I don't feel like Macaulay Culkin anymore! I can come home and not worry about things that may or may not go bump inthe night. Theres been a switch of housemates and rooms. But on the whole, Im happier with this new living arrangement. No longer will I prolong going out because I dont want to be home alone(not really, I just have to be home earlier now because its courtesy. And I tire easier lately).

So you also know how Im not very good at keeping house, yeah? I knew I had to clean the apartment before the main housemate returned. So I uh, paid to get it cleaned.

I totally would have convinced her it was *me* who did the cleaning but the place sparkled and she knew the most I could do was make it glow :P

Also, she is much older so she takes care of her health loads and has all this nifty health gadgets and tips and such, and she has a blood pressure monitor thing. So found out I have insanely low blood pressure. But I guess 100/61 is okay.

Right?

I should google that and find out one day.

The willow knows what the storm does not. That the power to endure harm outlives the power to inflict it

2008-03-04T00:20:00.004+08:00

"I get cross, then sad, and finally end up turning my heart inside out, the bad part on the outside and the good part on the inside, and keep trying to find a way to become what I’d like to be and what I could be if . . . if only there were no other people in the world."

-Anne Frank, final entry in her dairy.

I once believed I could live quite happily isolated from human contact, with only books and Jack Daniels keeping me company. There are so many people afficting suffering on others, too many people who relish in the misery of others, and there are even many more apathetic about the entire situation. It gets me down, and I wont pretend it doesnt.

But then there are the quality ones who remind me the human race is not that bad, and with their simple random drunken text, quick call, email, and yes, that human touch, Im reminded once again that not the entire human race is at fault, and perhaps I am the one at fault for not giving it another chance.

Theres a community I frequent at church, and Im learning loads from the teachings, the people. And I suppose Im learning to be a better person. Im striving to be, in any case.

Its such an uphill climb. But I havent risen my white flag yet.

And so another day goes on and I put the book down, wash my glass and breathe the fresh air outside. And thanks to those few, my life goes on beyond the four corners of my room.

Speaking of my room, my parents visited over the last weekend, and I think my mother had a sharp intake of breath at my messy room. I told her there is a method to my disorganized ways and know where everything is in the socalled disorganization, but did she listen? Nooo. She cleaned everything and now I cant find my glasses..or was that missing even before? She then said my fridge was cute but lacked groceries, and I showed her my nutella, juice, milk, magnums and (tried to hide but didnt manage to) vodka and cereal and did she appreciate my efforts? Nooo.

Im kidding, Im hopeless at keeping house. I pity future husbands. Er, husband. Singular.

February came and went. This February sped right by me and it consisted of pearly shells, a sweet valentine 'date', saying goodbye to a colleague, discovering RBC's marvelous seafood buffet, dealing with the end of what could have been a draining relationship, lion dances, red packets and learning how to make sushi (but probably will never again) and happily, a Miri excursion. It almost didnt happen, but it did, and Im thankful for the people who made it happen! It was especially beautiful to see Ankita all grown up and my baby girl, Stephanie and tight friend, Karan. Oh how we laughed, and how we were 'us', all over again. It was like I had never left.

And sometimes oh sometimes, I wish our bubbled up world had never been pricked.

Responsibilities have rolled into my life, as they have in others, and everywhere I turn, theres a responsibility waiting to be dealt with. I fill my world with work and church and a semblance of what passes for a social life in this dry country, but it just never seems to be far off, the shouldering of responsibility. It follows my every glance and move. And I'd be selfish to try and shake it off.

But every once in a while, through the trials and the struggles...

I see my parents, my father of whom has been diagnosed as diabetic,which prettymuch explains his fit in November, and theyre healthy and my brothers and theyre well, and my immediate relatives and we're okay.

And if I was irresponsible, I really couldnt look them in the eye. Nor help them out like I am.

Even if it means I can't (okay, i COULD but I WOULDNT) buy that new skirt.

Whats material anyway?

Oh well, next month.

In other news, One Tree Hill season 5 , Agatha Christie books and Buffy season 8 (in comics) are my current go to for entertainment. Im trying to get back to my chick lit but romance makes me all nostalgic right now and Agatha Christie's whodunnits (my fave thus far is And Then There Were None) are as far from the genre as can be.

And here I go, going back to my books again, right back where this entry started.

But concluding that being isolated from human contact is really not the way to go.

Cheers.

All kinds of unforeseen events wait lurking to surprise you and make you glad you're alive

2008-01-26T14:17:00.000+08:00

The supreme happiness of life is the conviction of being loved for yourself, or, more correctly speaking, loved in spite of yourself.
-Victor Hugo

Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock.

Tick.

I am someone underestimates her friends much too much.

I anticipated that I'd turn twenty two on my stomach, in my bed, continuing my marathon Gossip Girl (shut up) watching session. My hair would be in a towel, as I'd be wet from a shower, and my face would have a mask on. My toes would be painted a new shiny color, my laundry and ironing freshly done. I'd have just finished some hot cocoa and I'd be getting ready for bed.

You know.

All the details thrown in, topped up with being alone.

Instead. Ah. Instead.

I definitely wasnt alone. Nor was I in bed.

And of course, no mask!

It was nothing grand. But goodness, was I not left a little extra happy for it all..?

Tick. Tock.

World, I'm twenty two today and I have a lot to be thankful for.

The room was filled with conversations we weren’t having.

2008-01-12T00:15:00.000+08:00

"He looks like a child with a lot of makeup." – Jessica Alba, on meeting Zac Efron at the 2007 Teen Choice Awards (where they both won hottie of the year).

My colleague has been living under a rock. I was singing 'SexyBack' and an assorted number of Mr Timberlake's work, and she had never heard of any of them. Fine. I tried Shakira's Hips Don't Lie. Blank stare. Ok, maybe Im rushing her.

So I try random song lyrics.

Mas que nada? If I lay here? Please stay for a while now? Go to rehab but I said no no no? Hoping that you believed in superstition? I'm yours? You know what I want, I got what you need? Just like an angel in my life? No one, no one?

And I get the same blank stare.

I am flabbergasted and upset and am burning her a cd to listen to tomorrow!!!

Sometimes I believe firmly with all my heart that I have my life under control. Then one thing after another hits and I'm caught in a current of trials, and blessings which one can only proclaim as being mixed.

I don't have it under control. I get it. All I can do is go with what I hope are the right decisions and pray nothing I do ends up having any majorly grave circumstances.

Hey. I have been through much worse.

All I want to do is never get out of bed some days, and you know thats strange coming from I who never likes to sleep. Im lethargic, and I blame it on me being spoiled and being driven to work over the Christmas season because I was essentially house sitting a dear aunty's place. Plant water-er extraordinaire and prime fish feeder that I am, my skills were clearly put to good use. Not to mention my two housemates had both left me ALONE while they were off on vacation, so staying elsewhere was a bit of a distraction from the immense loneliness I would have felt otherwise.

Now, I had always said walking to work and back (my apartment is literally 6 minutes away if I speed walk, but I don't as I would you know, sweat) had been my only exercise. And its true, I've discovered, as I put on weight being driven back and forth work, plus not to mention eating out all the time or having meals at my aunty's place.

Living on my own has actually done me good. Zip back to my room in my current home, where my kitchen's groceries are usually expired by the time I deign to try to cook (yes, I rely on fruits and takeaway or eating out, so sue me if I can't be bothered cooking!), where its walking distance to church, where the stairs are a crazy 4 storey climb (again, exercise!), where one housemate is still not back and the other may be moving out, so I am essentially living alone. Which has its perks. You who live alone know what I mean and if you have never lived alone, you won't know, so no point making you jealous.

I think I need to get my license. For real. Its depressing and it should be a goal before I turn 23.

My Christmas and my new year pics need to be up soon. I'm still trying to destroy the evidence er filter through and get actual good pictures.

Oh, beach plans finally went through on Sunday, after Sunday upon Sunday's of failed beach attempts! The community I serve with arranged it and I tagged along for the fun..yes, it explains the random pictures. I totally had a sarong thing planned but then I remembered what country I was in and how so out of place it would be on beach here so...yeah.

...It ended up around my waist instead.

Thats Cathy, Ate Lisa, Analiza and Hazel. Theyre bunch of strong women, and Im glad to have gotten to know them over the past few months. Its hard living where the shadows of my past follow me every corner (you know, omgosh, my friends and I had parties *there* and my mommy used to take me *there* and my daddy and i used to date *there* where I was 9 and lil bro john and I used to walk *there* when we were kids etc etc). So I'm glad Im making friends who are helping me move on to the present and the future.

Chinese New Year is coming up. Which means two days off work. Which means. *nudge nudge* Stephanie, if you are reading this, DUMMY, contact me!!

*ahem* ;)

She knows I adore her absolutely.

Don't you?

Not to be morbid or anything, and not that I put any stock whatsoever in palm reading, it gets very disconcerting when the umpteenth person who grabs my hand and tried to 'read' my life lines or whathave you, looks at me worriedly and informs me I'll have a short life.

Every other thing changes here and there but never my life span. Well, I'm not too worried, and I'm hopeful it will be longer than apparently what's been written in my palms, for I am firm that its the quality of the life you live and the quantity and the love you share thats important. And thats all I'm saying on this matter.

Kick me if I ever bring it up again.

…for it is morning; it is morning and there is so much to see.

2008-01-07T00:10:00.000+08:00

I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle... But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.

Marilyn Monroe

There's nothing like being shrouded in morning light. I always used to hate waking up early, due to my late nights. But ever so slowly, I suppose I have come to accept that when youre working an 8 to 5 job (that stretches from as early as 7 to as late as 9 sometimes), you do need your rest, or your *gulp* productivity at work is affected.

But who am I kidding? Its 1 in the morning as I type this, and Im trying to finish report due and Im blogging and the tv is blasting in the background and the washing machine is churning out my second load of the night.

There's a second kind of morning light, which is the darkness that comes after 12 am. Its still morning and yet its not. I am most active at this time of night, my brain works on overdrive and I want to do do do do so many things. I feel the fatigue and I know I should be asleep. But I can't help it.

I am torn in the knowledge that it is too late to be awake and too early yet to be asleep.

Even if I did fall asleep while playing X Box last night.

Beach didnt happen. :(

I haven't read a good book for so long. I need to wander into Best Eastern and get something as Im suffering from reading withdrawal.

Yes, it exists.

I really do have love to give, I just don't know where to put it

2008-01-01T18:11:00.000+08:00

"I heard a nice little story the other day," Morrie says.

He closes his eyes for a moment and I wait.

"Okay. The story is about a little wave, bobbing along in the ocean, having a grand old time. He's enjoying the wind and the fresh air-until he notices the other waves in front of him, crashing against the shore.

"'My God, this is terrible,' the wave says. 'Look what's going to happen to me!'"

Then along comes another wave. It sees the first wave, looking grim, and it says to him, 'Why do you look so sad?'"

The first wave says, 'You don't understand! We're all going to crash! All of us waves are going to be nothing! Isn't it terrible?'

"The second wave says, 'No, you don't understand. You're not a wave, you're part of the ocean.'"

Tuesdays With Morrie - Mitch Albom

Ten years ago, I led the countdown to a new year in my uncle's house, visiting them in the US. It was my first winter and my first sight (and feel) of snow and all the cliche's you see in the movies.

Eight years ago, while the adults were off, my friends and I jumped on hotel beds in Malaysia, as we welcomed in a new year.

Two years ago, my cousins and I clutched our drinks in the Philippines, cheering each other on and happily ringing in the new year with gusto.

A year ago, two friends and I went on a search for the most random party in Australia. One went home far too early but the one left with me, we rang in the new year queueing to get into a club, with fireworks brightening up the night sky.

Last night in Brunei, I was in Mass, and singing a song as I was being nudged by friends, pointing out that indeed, it really was 2008 (After which, I discovered that watermelons don't really fare well when you attempt to funnel foreign liquids into them just for kicks and found the perfect song to sing on those karaoke things that is always guaranteed to give me a good score but those are stories and a party tale for another time).

However you choose to ring in the new year, they say its often how the rest of the year will turn out. I've never been a believer of this, but it can't hurt.

There are so many things I'd like to get done or happen this year.

And Happy Feet and Johnny were thrown in just for kicks.

Heya 2008, I hope youre not as draining as 2007!

sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in

2007-12-29T07:38:00.000+08:00

The whole world, myself included, seem to have one thing in common
we're just a crowd of people who don't really fit in anywhere
attempting to convince one another
that we do.
- Andrew McMahon

I close my eyes and I remember.

Its not one face, its more than one, its a countless number of faces that have blessed my life, walked in for a second, never knowing that we'd perhaps not meet again. I clutch at the memories and I am filled with nostalgia...

I miss my friends and I often wonder, were we to meet again, would it be just as good?

You and I, we felt like we had forever, but in reality, we only had each for a few short months each calendar year. Those months had days where I hardly ever saw you, and you hardly ever saw me, but when we sought each other out, when we finally missed the need of each other, when we met again, it would be pure euphoria..

I remember the day you taught me about the perils of tequila and a hot stranger, when you would coax me to go out in the middle of the night doing who knew what who knew where, the days we studied till dawn, stayed up talking about everything under the sun, taking care of each other when we knew the other needed it, and no, we never were corny to admit to anyone but each other that we enjoyed those soaps and that boy band(but we did).

When darkness turned into light, we'd blink at realising we really had talked all night.

Oh, and the nights and how used to do nothing at all. Im a control freak and its often hard for me to just fo with the flow, but you with your charm, and you with your air of fun, you took my hand and taught me to let go.

Rushing to the bus, our hair still drenched from the shower and using the Curtin bus air conditioners as quasi blowdryers. Actually coaxing me to do Niah, and that horribly funny yet memorable pit stop by those police.

Overwhelming me with your love.

We had a really bad so called 'ball', it ended far too early. We four ended up in her room and we were still dressed in our finery, the dresses we had made or had bough especially for the disappointment of a 'ball', where we hardly ever danced enough. Then you reached out and turned on the music, and we forgot we werent in a grand ball room and we let go and oh, how we danced.

When you used to wake me up to attend mass! Ah!

When you used to teach me to stand up and believe. In God, in me. And in you.

Oh and that other ball you took me to, where every one's date gave them their jackets but you didnt even offer yours. You gave me my first ever corsage though and days later when i mentioned the cold that evening, you did have that shame to admit you were too drunk to realise.

That time you watched Buffy for ages with me. And only admitting after like the twelfth episode tat you didnt really enjoy it but watched with me anyway.

Those countless movies we'd watch.

Would it be just as good?

The times I needed someone. And you showed up. Not knowing how very very welcome you really were.

You who convinced me of so many things.

Remember walking around the lake, drenched in rain water, singing "Heaven"? Remember when you made all your family members give me presents because you knew I had no family around last Christmas? Remember when you visited Perth and remembered me? Remember when we were in Kota Kinabalu and we did nothing but take pictures?

Actually, I often do nothing but take photos.

Those nights we'd go out purely to dance.

That unbelievable time I actually played soccer because of you!

Often, we had nothing to do. Very often, we sat in silences, content in each other's prescences. The support was there, the love was unfathomable, the fact that soon soon soon we would be without the other never near our minds.

I spent days at your place, and you let me. You welcomed me in your home and I cherished the welcome mat. Your sisters look nothing like you, except for your youngest. You are my baby girl, and I adore you.

And now that we're not near each other, every small gesture, every small memory that reminds me of you all, I grasp at it, for I know that very soon, I shall make new memories. And you will too. I wonder if I have already slipped from your mind.

2007 is almost over, and I have been alive for over two decades, but it has only been the past few years where I really felt alive.

So, for a moment, I choose to forget that you and you and you and I have moved on with our lives, and that you are all over there and I am over here. I choose to forget that you will not be with me when I turn twenty two, and that I was not there when you and you and you turned another year older. Your important moments, my important moments, spent and recounted in telephone conversations, in texts, in emails, on webcams, on voice chats, in IMs.

Its not the same. I miss you all too much.

I am making new friends, and you all are too.

Because thats how it works, life goes on.

If we could go back, I would. I would change nothing. I regret nothing. And I thank you for everything. You know what I am thankful for.

This entry is a mesh of my angels.

I clutch at the memories because they are all I have.

If I see you again, and you and you and you and you...I pray we will have as much fun, and that it would be just as good, for you who influenced me, who made me feel beautiful, who cherished me and who for in one moment that felt like infinity but it was really only a moment, cemented your place in my heart.

To steal from a famous poet, I carry you in my heart. And I hope 2008 will be grand and include even a few minutes with you all again.

Because I know it would be just as good.

listen to the music and come dance with me/ its your right to be loved loved loved.

2007-12-28T07:32:00.000+08:00

To go against the dominant thinking of your friends, of most of the people you see every day, is perhaps the most difficult act of heroism you can perform.~ Theodore H. White

Today is my mother's mother's one year death anniversary. I miss you, Lola Andeng and I pray youre up there dancing with the angels as we go about our lives.

I don't know anything much about politics. I mean, frankly, I could care less, but I can carry on
a conversation in regards to how I feel about the Philippine government or the American one. But the political system that made me look up was the recent campaign of Benazir Bhutto. Being a woman, for one thing, and for her courage to step up and try again.

And she was just assassinated. Shot in the head and neck.

This world is getting to be such a dark place.

Can't you feel it? Taking the 'man-made' ones like child prostitution and wars and racism and AIDS and terrorism out of the picture, there's just a scary number of natural one's like global warming, the melting of the ice caps, predicted floods, El Nino, tsunamis, earthquakes..all taking place in recent years, and you gotta wonder if its not the Earth's rage building up against what we have been forcing it to succumb to over the years, from our pollution to our decadence to our moral devolution...yeah, I read too much into these things.

I fear the world that we will be leaving behind for our grandchildren, let alone our children.

Why do I feel like Ive said all this before?

In lighter news, its a novelty for me to feel my ribs. I have always had a layer (er, layers) of fat over them, you see, and while they don't jut out or anything, its weird to realise they exist. I blame stress and work for this, really.

Watched National Treasure 2 last night, and its actually the first movie of the year, aside from Transformers (coz come on, Optimus Prime!) that I really enjoyed from start to finish. I had forgotten how cold the Empire cinemas were, though. Mental note to self, wear pants next time around.

Parties are fun. But, oh, are the after parties are funner. Oh, for glorious youth. After a while, all the parties blend together and its like its just a repeat of the previous drunken night, only with a different location, and I'd like to think I left that phase behind but every once upon a time, oh, how much fun they absolutely are.

I really should be past it by now.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy

2007-12-19T17:58:00.000+08:00

It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence, to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this, too, shall pass away." How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction!--

Abraham Lincoln

So, I was quite content to serve a little at my local Catholic church when I first landed. The quiet pace of life here allows the er, lets call it noise attracted me, serenity, and I was certain Id work a little, chill a little, but most of all, serve a little.

But you and I both know those plans you make never exactly turn out the way you want them too.

Helping out with the youth was one thing. But it was never an ambition of mine to join the local church choir. Sure, i sing with zest, if not with talent, and loudly, if not well, but while I sing in the shower and believe a song is a prayer said twice so therefore I sing with abandon during events and such, joining the church choir was far from an ambition.

Oh, I had my million and one excuses, and I was eyeing on joining other things, thinking my 'services' werent needed there. But God works in mysterious ways. And He has his own plans. So while they may not have needed me, the friendships forged and bonds re kindled were somehow exactly what I needed at this point in time.

Yes, life can be lonely sometimes, but for better or worse, thats exactly why you've got your angels on Earth, the brothers and sisters God forgot to give you, if not to fill the void, then to at least make the darkness smaller, and the everyday moments lighter.

Because you know life can just get so damn heavy sometimes.

I started this entry with a completely different vein of thought in my mind. I wanted to talk about short and bitin Christmas visit to my parents and younger brother. I wanted to recap my 2007, from graduating to first jobs to financial liberation (and confinements) of earning and paying my own keep, and talking about a love I had and love I let go, of journeys and struggles, of faith restrengthening, of missionary leaning, of working full time, of family obligations, of career building, of realising I really can do what studied, and yes, my coming of age tale.

But it sounded boring. So I saved that for another day.

I turn 22 in a month. Its pretty much all downhill from here ;)

Im joking. I know that my life is on an upswing. And I'm excited and hopeful and prayerful, and thats really all there is to it.

In 2007, painfully yet beautifully, amongs a multitude of other things, I learned who my angels were.

Theyre not all captured here, of course. I am blessed to have more, but I lack the pictures. I have my friends who are far away but who I carry in my heart, and friends near who for some reason, I dont have a good proper shot with. But they know who they are.

Don't you?

I don't know what 2008 will bring, but at this moment in time, I am grateful and I am appreciative of the people, the events, the tears, the joy, the blessings, the life lessons that He steered me towards in 2007. For my experiences in 2007, I am grateful.

Merry Christmas, every body and in case I don't blog before then, may your 2008 be beautiful!

life is grown sweeter and lonelier and death is no evil

2007-12-10T23:36:00.000+08:00

"The cracks are what let the light in" ~ Rosie O'Donnell on The View 5/22/07

Living right on the Equator means that the only climates I'm truly familiar with are blazing hot and pouring rain. Today was the time of the latter, and I was so absorbed in my work that I didnt realise how hard it was raining. I love the rain though. It makesme enjoy staying indoors. It was apparently flooded in town and with me living rightsmack in the middle (okay maybe offcentre a bit)of it, was getting the brunt of the storm. I was thrilled to get home, I give you that.

Its really hard saying no to invitations out sometimes, and when I fell sick last week,I think it was my body's way of reminding me I'm not 17 anymore. So now,I'm trying tobe smarter about this and going out when I really want to, as opposed to going out simplybecause Im expected to. Like tonight, I stayed in, and I did some self pampering on my nails and hair whilewatching a mix of Dawson's Creek and Grey's Anatomy, with a snack (or two).

I went hiking this weekend, and I decided to go up a notch and try oh, simple push ups,pull ups, goingon the bars and sit ups etc. It seemed like a good idea at the time, and being with friends, I wasencouraged and motivated. It was a really really good properly sweaty work out. ....until I woke up this morning unable to lift my arms properly to put my shirt on. And I waswalking seemingly like a zombie because of my stiff legs. The last time I felt like this was after my firstpole dancing lesson (yeah, Im a weirdo and in my defense, they were actual classes and actual fun!)

Crazy how out of shape I am. And yet I'm as freakily flexible as ever, but I credit that to my double jointedness. I certainly didnt go jogging again today.

But well, maybe tomorrow. ;)

If you havent noticed yet, I love the future and the opportunities and possibilities it beckons. Its like a 'Why You Should Wear Sunscreen' advertisement when you see my armsand legs in the picture below. It shows how much I favor skirts over pants, in any caseand long sleeves over short ones. I also think its the flash plus its a scan but ya know,whatever, the focus of this picture is my adorable little cousin.

Her name is Aaliyah (I named her and nicknamed her AA) and she's 6 years old. She's the daughter of my ate Mafe, another very importantwoman in my life, and in here we're getting ready for her graduation from kindergarten,imagine that. Just yesterday I remember her learning to walk. They grow so fast.

At her graduation, I was pleased to see her come out of her shell. She, or rather, her graduating class, danced to Mambo No. 5, and her school principal picked her to told her hand as she sang a song for the crowd. I was really proud of her.

She's so precious. Of course there were other cute kids, but AA's just beautiful.I thought for a secondthat my long latent maternal instincts were finally kicking in.

But I have much too much to do just yet.

So AA and my baby brother will have to do for now.

...and yes, I know he's 18. Go away.

I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.

2007-12-02T01:28:00.000+08:00

"In this dirty-minded world, she thought, you are either somebody's wife or somebody's whore-or fast on your way to becoming one or the other. If you don't fit either category, then everyone tried to make you think there is something wrong with you."-

The World According to Garp by John Irving

I really really loathe papercuts.

Doing office work entails paper. Lots and lots of paper.When it comes to the plasticnotes,I'm your woman, but all that paper, argh. My hands are the casualty of my paperwork. There are cuts,superficial ones that cause no harm, deep ones that are still wounded and the occasional hack into my skin! GRR!

There is your silly me rant for the day.

The problem with long distance relationships is exactly that. The distance. Touch, eventhe simplest finger caress, is so beautiful, and when you dont even have that, its an ache.A real throbbing ache. I don't know how people do it, and I admire you if youre in a long distancerelationship right now and sticking to it. Thank God for technology but it cant substitute touch, now, can it?

Went for an annual thanksgiving dinner for the choir the other day, and wonder of wonders,I, the one whonever as much wins a door prize, won a table fan.I mean, I wanted the blender, but never in my life have I wonanything when it comes to these luck things. I've never factored luck into anything I do, precisely because I believethere is no such thing as luck. Just hard work, chance and a smidgen of God's blessing. And if thats the case, Iwas blessed that evening, and I wonder if that means my 'luck' is changing.

Nah.

I have been a bad girl and staying out later than is wise, sleeping later than is wise, and getting up way too early for my body to have fully recovered from the lack of sleep. I took a day off from work yesterday because I woke up to a spinning world. Nausea, fever, what have you, my immune system was shot and I was fatigued. It made memiss my loved ones all the more, and I especially miss my mother when Im sick. Who takes care of me best when Im being a baby? Her! I really must be getting old, because when I was 17, I could go days on no sleep and right now, I canbarely function if I attempt that. And Im barely in my twenties! I hope I grow old gracefullybecause I really cant see myself as a fifty year old couch potato. I want to grow old into one of those old eccentrics. I probably will.

My Catholic faith is a big part of who I am ( but yes, I laughed at Dogma, read and scoffed and yes, enjoyed The Da Vinci Code 2 years before the movie was made, was pissed off when Euro Trip made fun of the papacy, preferred Angels and Demons over Da Vinci Code - knowing fullwell both are fiction and enjoying them as thus-,I commit my sins, I repent, I believe in God, end of story) and I'm getting back into serving in my local church, which ironically, is where my faith was formed.If nothing else, I had my First Holy Communion here, and I was confirmed here, and if nothing else,this is truly where my Catholic growth began. It fell and grew in uni, torn from the shelters of my comfortzone, but if nothing else, I owe it to myself to serve in the church and community where my faith was nurtured, while I can. I don't know if I'll get this opportunity again.

It hurts to grow up and face responsibilities. The other night, I practically broke down on the phone to my mother. She soothed me as only she can. I hate that I'm not 8 and believing in her magical kiss and word to make the hurt go away. She means well but at the end of the day, I have to face up to the sobering reality that in truth and all finality, its all on me now.

Was it not just yesterday that it was November? December has crept up on me, and the next thing I'll know, it will be January and I willbe 22 and nowhere near my goal of actually getting my driver's license.

Oh well, theres always next year. ;)

We could never have loved the earth so well if we had had no childhood in it

2007-11-27T17:38:00.001+08:00

Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory.
~Franklin Pierce Adams

There are few teachers that actually teach you something beyond math and Physics.

You have so many unspoken of teachers who deserve accolades. The ones who teach you about life in general, beyond the shelter of the school.

I had a teacher in high school, her name was Latha Jagadish.

She was a pretty strong woman, articulate, witty, fun. Years later, one of the things she said back in the day, one of many, I assure you, whilst lamenting over my generations reliance on empty calories, is "How can you all drink those things! Theyre just...FLAVOURED WATER!", comes back to me. She said a lot of wise things, that lady, I wish I had paid more attention, particularly in physics. But thats a lament for another day.

Now its all about 'flavoured water'!

...she was talking about milo, coffee, tea, coke..etc, you get the gist.

Somewhere in my mid to late uni years, I suddenly started making the switch from being a rabid addict to coffee to, wonder of all wonders, tea. Its a little joy of mine to drink tea, which at the end of teh day is more beneficial than the average coffee cup.

Sure, occasionally I indulge in an overpriced iced coffee with a ridiculous name that is supposed to sound sophisticated but is really the sound of their cash registers going "suuuuuuuuuuuucker".

But I digress.

Its still flavoured water, at the end of the day.

Of course, she had a lot of other quote worthy statements. I miss you, Miss Jag, wherever you are, for all your memorable Jagaisms.

although we adore men individually, we all agree that as a group theyre rather stupid

2007-11-27T13:07:00.000+08:00

"all the nights we stayed up talking. listening to 80's songs. and quoting lines from all those movies that we know. it still brings a smile to my face. i guess what it comes down to is that being grown up isn't half as fun as growin up. these are the best days of our lives. the only thing that matters is just following your heart..and eventually youll finally get it right.."
-ataris

I am ready to do a lot of things in life, and Im truly blessed for a lot of people in my life.

I am young, educated, articulate, blah bleah blah. In no nonsense terms, I am young enough to do anything I want to do but old enough to know I'll regret it in a few years (or hours). But nevetheless, I've always felt like I could do anything I put my mind to. Unless I couldnt. If that makes sense.

I thought I was ready for anything that life threw at me.

Ah, but no, not quite.

My dad turned a year older yesterday. Thank and Praise God.

As you grow up, its hard to imagine a world in which your parents are old and weak. Growing up, you believed they could conquer the world. You believed their kisses were enough to make your pain go away, and their mere prescence enough to make everything bad nonexistent. Until ithe day you do grow up, and the carers become the ones being cared for, and ones who used to cry in their parents arms become the ones comforting their parents.

I miss the days when I believed my parents were invincible.

Mainly because when I was younger, they were healthy and strong and radiant enough to be.

Age caught up on them.

It didnt happen all at once of course. The signs of aging never do.

It creeps up gradually on them and on the child. At first its just that you realise youre a bit taller than your mom, or somehow the same height or even taller than youre dad. You literally can see eye to eye.

The roles reverse and before you know it, the woman who used to give you cough syrup is the one youre trying to make take it, and the father who used to swing you around in play is the one who needs just a little bit extra help cllimbing that last stair. They dont really know the answers to everything anymore, and is it your imagination, or are their voices starting to sound desperately much much older than you last remembered...?

I blink and my parents look young again.

But I blink again, and no, theyre really not.

But thats all perfectly okay.

I am okay with a world in which my parents are older. Dont get me wrong. I love being able to help out, being able to buy them little things here and there, big things when I can etc etc. I lvoe being able to have grown up conversations with my dad and being treated like a baby by my mother. Its great, finally being able to be old enough to enjoy my parents and realise that when I was younger, they really did only do what they thought was best at the time.

So Im ready to take care of my parents.

What Im not ready for, what I'm just not equipped or prepared or willing to accept, what would in essence be the only thing that could break me at this point in time, is a world without them, for a world without my crazy wonderful out of this world mother and my wise articulate hilarious father.

I am ready for a lot of things.

But God willing, no, please, not that.

Not just yet.

I still have to give them grandchildren, in any case.

And you all know that won't be for a long time coming...=D

Sometimes we don't know we're dreaming; we can't even fathom that we're asleep

2007-11-24T14:09:00.000+08:00

"Just because you didn't speak the facts out loud didn't erase their existence. Silence was just a quieter way to lie."
- The Tenth Circle, Jodi Picoult

It wasnt a stroke.

Had it been a stroke, my mother's actions of dragging him to the hospital would have certainly caused death, as his blood vessels would have popped from the extremely high blood pressure. He was over fatigued and hadnt taken his medicine and Im told he was convulsing and when I was told that, I just didnt want to hear any more details. He was confined but now he's not. He had an MRI scan and went through a thorough examination. He was extremely fatigued.

But.

He's perfectly okay.

My dad is okay.

Thank you for the prayers.

I can breathe now.

a so-called deficit in your childhood can be an asset as you get older.

2007-11-22T13:28:00.001+08:00

Anything I ever learned comes down to something pretty simple: Don’t anticipate life; meet it. When you try to anticipate, you’re being an idiot, because nobody’s got the brain to outwit nature. I’m talking here about patience, about believing in yourself. I’m talking here about having courage to wait. You will get what you deserve.
Unknown

You could say I am a writer, a poet, a speaker, a reader. I play with words and soak them in, the power of the written word driving my moods and making or breaking my day. I can spend hours reading about anything and everything under the sun.

Yet I studied accounting and information systems in university, and am currently earning my keep by doing accounts, which has nothing to do with words and everything to do with numbers.

You could say Im a singer, a dancer, a choreographer, a performer. I grew up on stage, from the time I first sang solo on stage for my graduating kindergarten class (shut up, I used to be cute!) to my last proper performance ages ago in university. I wasnt gifted but hey, I tried.

And yet I have slowly weaned myself off the high of the stage, performing when necessary but happiest being behind the scenes and directing. I'm much better directing, writing scripts, producing, choreographing. A performer, Im certainly not.

But I can always say I try.

You could say I'm a Catholic, and proud to be one. I attend teachings when I can, I go to Mass regularly, I serve in my current church whenever I can, I try to encourage my family and friends to attend with me.

And yet when you smell vices off me, or feel my anger when I'm emotional, its hard not to claim me as a sinner and not very Catholic at all.

But its easier to be bad than it is to be good, and in my own way, I do try.

One thing I've always been certain of though is, with the truth stripped raw and when it comes down to it, I am beyond a shadow of doubt, a total daddy's girl.

Of course I love my mother too. But ah, when my father speaks, I listen. (Sorry, mom!)

He says jump, Ill say how high. He says dont do this, and I won't. His word is almost law to me. He says do accounting, I did accounting. He said work in accounts, I work in accounts. Now he does mission work, I want to do mission work. He and I are eerily similar, and in many ways, members of the family often claim that for good and for bad (the temper, particularly), I am the female version of my father. I cant hope to ever be exactly like my dad. I admire my father so much, I love him terribly amd when I hear the comparisons, Im pleased.

Im quite tickled pink, really.

Even if my coloring doesnt really allow me to be pink. But you get what I mean.

So, you can tell then, how my heart stopped at 10.45 am today when my mother called to tell me my father had a stroke.

A stroke.

That doesnt happen to my father, now does it? My father? My daddy?

Forgetting where I was and that I was at work and my boss was behind me, completely reverting from the 21 year old supposedly composed rigid accounts person I am, I burst into tears.

I think I quite frightened my colleagues.

*sigh*

Prayers are demanded, dear readers.

Im more comfortable around people with flaws as I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.

2007-11-15T23:30:00.000+08:00

"when i was four years old they tried to test my i.q.
they showed me a picture of 3 oranges and a pear
they said, which one is different? it does not belong
they taught me different is wrong" -Tori Amos ' my i.q.'

Did you know its less than two months to Christmas?

Not Clausmas, okay, not that commercialized version of the celebration of the birth of my Savior, but Christmas. Its coming and I can feel its tingle.

I don't blog about my faith very much, which is a crying shame, because its very much a part of my life. I am a baptised Catholic and I feel my most at peace in the sanctuary the Mass offers, in the stillness of the Mass. I rant to God a lot, and I vent, and I rage, but I thank, and I praise, and I worship.

My faith is something I treasure, and if that makes me different, or simply one amongst the multitude, then..I'm okay with that. Either way, its a part of me and Im sure it will be for a long time coming. Im enjoying serving in my local church and community. I have a lot to make up for. Yuck, that just made what Im doing seem less somehow and ugly. But it doesnt make it any less true.

It was amusing the other day when I was totally lost about how to do something at work and a colleague looked at me and I asked pleadingly"what should I do?'' and they said,'just do what you do best!" and I asked what and they replied, "be pretty!"

I waited for the laugh, for thepunchline,and when it didnt come, thats when I realised they were serious. Huh. Me, 'pretty? Hahaha, thats a laugh and a half, and while likemy work, I have my good days where Im somewhat pleasant to the eye, and lately I get complimented for things beyond the so called brains loads more these days (and allegedweight loss)....it just doesnt fit.

The thirteen year old in me is flabbergasted, I tell you.

Maybe because Im back in Brunei, where my adolescence took place, so the setting just seemed surreal somehow. By the time I got to uni, I was much lessawkward,the boys didnt seem to mind the extra weight, I was more interested in my appearanceand my photo ops were legendary and I liked my minis and my rebonding but here in this place, sometimes I feel thirteen all over again.

Another point Im considering is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and since most of my beholders remember the thirteen year old with every 'flaw' you could find (you know, the skin problem, the extra weight, the bushy eyebrows, the unrulyhair, the lack of fashion sense, name the flaw, I had it!), its not really that much of a compliment, since even a monkey in a dress could look prettier than me at thirteen.

I was such a boy.

Thank God for the miracles of rebonding and so on. If I lived in the stone age, I think Id look pretty much like the perfect stone man. Heh.

But its been good as I can tell who the people who cared about me at a deeper level are now. Theyre the ones who don't react so much when they see me. They embrace melike we hadnt separated for so long and they ask how I am today, not query my appearance in disbelief and wonder how it happened. Bitches.

It should be an ego boost, but my ego is massive enough already (haha) even without it all and when taking into account the other things Im awesome at that *doesnt* involve the superficial high of outer beauty.

Not that my inner beauty is very pretty, hahahahaha. But my dears thats a story for another day.

I mean, I know my strengths. And while its nice to hear the compliments, theyre almost superfluous, and at the end of the day, I'd rather be known for other things, is all, and I don't need makeup or clothes or great hair to make or break the definition of what makes me...me.

But I wont lie that it feels strangely gratifying on the days when I feel mentally spent.

In other news, man, have I had 'off' days at work! But Im getting the hang of things and getting more confident, and if there was ever such a thing as an on day, then today was definitely one of them.

maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets

2007-10-21T15:12:00.000+08:00

"You don't have to be afraid of change.

You don't have to worry about whats been taken away.

Just look to see whats been added."
-Jackie Greer

Over the last weekend, I went to sleep pretty beat, and I felt rejuvenated when I woke up and I heard Christmas themes playing and lo and behold, I walked out of my room and saw a pretty Christmas tree all nice and trimmed and ready for the occasion in my living room. It gave me a pretty little feeling inside and the whole being rainy out made it nice beginning to the day.

You know how there are rain people and sun people, those who bloom or wilt based on the weather? Well, while I have a happy sunny day here or there, its in the rain that Im most pleased, and I like rain in all its forms, be in the light tralalala Im dancing in the rain drizzle or the its the perfect setting for a romantic kiss pitter patter or the thundering lightning tree shaking kind.

I'm that type of person you'd laugh at because I have been known to dance or sing or kiss in the rain. Yeah, im that person.

Im just a rain person, and I suppose thats really all thats the point of this post.

Except.

Well, a certain favourite character of mine has apparently just come out of the closet, and while i respect the writer and adore the series, a little part of me could have just done without the traumatizing mental imagery.

In all seriousness, it takes a little bit away from the magic of it all, thats all I'm saying, and I understand the intentions of the writer or whatever, but on my part, I could have done without knowing, thats all.

Ah, for as long as I live, Ill never get over the excitement of the weekend approaching. I hope you all have a delicious one.

one good thing about being young is that you are not experienced enough to know you cannot possibly do the things you are doing.

2007-10-19T16:12:00.000+08:00

Procrastination is like masturbation. It seems like a good idea at the time, but in the end you’re really only fucking yourself.- Unknown

You could say I was born a procrastinator.

When I was a kid, I didnt want to walk because I wanted my parents to lug me around for as long as I could stretch it.

Okay, maybe not really, but I can imagine the kid in me doing that.

I put off doing laundry till all Im left with are completely mismatched tops and skirts (which I would then attempt to pull off and say it was 'style'). I put off doing groceries till all I have to eat are a hopefully edible mishmash of whatever's left (which could range from tuna in meegoreng or honey and hot dogs) in my ref that doesnt seem to be past its expiry date.

At uni, I put off doing assignments until I'm forced to stay up with pillows and take away meals in the relevant computer lab and rushing to finish the work on an adrenaline rush. Even my group work or other submissions havent been spared and I've often fell back on sugar induced rushes just to get something submitted on time.

I lived on no sleep.

Some of my work submitted after a rush was often some of my best work.

Nowadays, I crave sleep so much, it worries me. If I don't have more than 6 hours a night, its so difficult for me to crawl out of bed.

When I was 17 in uni, I scoffed at a 21 year old who told me that though he liked his party nights, he had to cut down some because he couldnt go on no sleep like he used to. I literally scoffed. Then I find out at 21, Im feeling the very same thing.

And on a random note of sorts, after a birthday party last night, I have discovered I drink more than my older brother. Random, but true. I wonder what that means.

Life is getting in full swing again, and I'm enjoying the liberty (and limitations) of earning my own money. My mother always wants to save me but I told her I'm done with relying on them for money. Them, being my mom and dad. They've sacrificed loads for me and its high time I get my bum in gear and slowly be the one helping them out, rather than the other way around. And it makes me happy to know I'm slowly becoming financially independant.

Even if not emotionally.

I miss my parents so.

I have a lot of Brunei people I'd like to catch up with when life slows down, and it will be quite interesting to see just how much more different-or similar- we all are after the years apart. I've seen a random face here and there, and most claim to not realise its me, which Im sure, is either an insult or flattery, so lets just be vain for a sec and take that as a compliment.

Pity the people who use font enhancement to decorate their bland excuse for wording a feeling.

2007-10-04T07:43:00.000+08:00

"I don't like people who have never fallen or stumbled. Their virtue is lifeless and it isn't of much value. Life hasn't revealed its beauty to them."~Boris Pasternak

Yesterday I sent a remittance of money back to the Philippines.
I also bought a bed.
And was chided by my boss because I left work at 5.30 pm, which is earlier than the usual workaholic in me allows because I had commitments.
I also am moving to a quasi new place this weekend.
And I am thinking of applying for *gasp* insurance.

How unbelievably 'adult' of me.

Note the sarcasm. ;)

im a thousand miles away but girl tonight you look so pretty as you do

2007-09-30T01:47:00.000+08:00

And after all that, I can't believe she's staying with him just because of his money and everything it offers.

Anything less then mad, crazy, passionate, extraordinary love is a complete and utter waste of time. And she's hardly in love and if she can admit that to me, how can that mean she loves him? If she loved him, she would let him go so he can find someone great for himself who sincerely cares about him.

There are already too many mediocre things in life, and love should not be one of them.

In any case, October tomorrow. How fast time flies!

Never regret anything; because at one point it was exactly what you wanted

2007-09-29T01:40:00.000+08:00

The moment when you first wake up in the morning is the most wonderful of the 24 hours. No matter how weary or dreary you may feel, you possess the certainty that, during the day that lies before you, absolutely anything may happen. And the fact that it practically always doesn't matters not a jot. The possiblity is always there.~ Monica Baldwin

'Tawad' is the vernacular used in Philippines to mean haggling for the best price for items mostly sold by outdoor vendors. On my first day, I got ripped off and lest just say I paid the first price I was offered, and was happy because in my head, the conversion rate seemed to fare better for me, but when I showed and told my cousins, they said I totally overpaid!

So, I got my own back and managed to haggle my way down to a really ridiculously cheap price for another item about a week later, and this made me feel proud, and after throwing in a jeepney + lrt + fx + triky ride, I felt oh so Filipino.

Ah, to be Filipino.

Over the years, my family has tried to be Filipino, but growing up in Brunei, and furthering my studies overseas, and on vacation not going home but travelling as far as Canada and as near as Thailand and only ever visiting the Philippines about 5 times my entire life since I left it when I was 2, I've struggled when people ask me about the Philippines and speak to me in tagalog (I only really learned to speak it fluently when I went to university and made filipino friends who were proud of the language and strived to make me as Pinoy as they were). I am proud of being Filipino, and join in the cheers when Manny pacquaio and Lea salonga,and even half filos like Enrique Iglesias and Cassie make the headlines.

But on my trip back to process my work papers (which is a bitch that I'll tell you about next time), I was quite surprised at how much I didnt feel at home. Sure, when my cousins were around, it was hilarious, and we had a blast and a half, but I didnt feel at home otherwise.

It was fun, it was a good vacation and I suppose I really have no point except that I find it sad in retrospect that things like how commuting is a science, traffic is common, beggars are a syndicate, seeing Philippine stars live in crazy americanized places like Eastwood and so on were my joy and my thinking the smog was fog and so on were a novelty for me. I mean, they shouldnt be novelties. Novelties are for tourists, and I am a Filipino by nationality so I am not really a tourist.

Technically.

I dont know if Ill work in the Philippines. The metropolitan lifestyle appeals to me. Well, if I ever do end up back in the Philippines, I think I'd be up for the challenge of really being Filo and not being so, what do u call me brumalaysiawashed?

On that vein of thought, where have I always felt at home in? Brunei. I grew up in Brunei, and am familiar with the culture and the people and the place. I dont feel like a stranger in Brunei and I've got so much family in Brunei that it almost makes up for the fact my parents are in KK. And the geographical distance of the two is so slight, it makes me happy. I have moved around like a nomad so much that I needed some familiarity!

If you paused at processing work papers, you read right. I really did want a job in Kota Kinabalu, primarily because I wanted to be with my parents and continue serving in the community there, but alas, it wasnt meant to be, and despite my certainty that I didnt want to work for another few months, I had suddenly two job offers, one in Brunei and one in Singapore,jobs which I had applied for ages before I decided I didnt want to work first but wanted to help my dad do his thing. So anyway, I was phone interviewed and face interviewed and offered the jobs and I had to decide quickly.

Really really quickly.

Next thing I knew was in the Philippines tawading in the midst of walking my papers.

I picked Brunei. Im hoping I made the right choice. Of course I've taken flack for picking Brunei, zero career growth bleah bleha bleah. Whatever. Its near KK and its a job I want, in a company Im pleased to be a part of, in an industry that doesnt bore me (I mean, hello, accounting is not exactly rainbows and butterflies. Enough said.), and its better money than I thought I'd get and with the current degree of localization, its a miracle I even got it. Praise God!

Of course, with my parents out of Brunei, I have to do that thing where I have to find a place to live, do my own laundry, make my own meals bleah bleah all over again! Its kinda like university life, only this time I get paid for it and have to fork out for my own rent and living expenses at the same time.

Someone asked me if Brunei would bore me. I think its sort of a penance in a way, my working in a noncitylike city, for all the things I've done during my university life. Haha. I joke. Its time to buckle down and earn my own money again. I love making my own money.

In other news, I've gained weight yet again because eating in the Philippines is a treat in itself, with everything being much cheaper and so much more varieties to be had. I was quite excited and my quest to eat healthier was easily forgotten.

I told my colleague about my weight gain and she laughed at me and told me to enjoy because I have so much pending work at the office that I'm sure to lose the weight. Hah. Ha. Not. How simply nice of her to put things into perspective!

just to set the record straight, I'm a firm be believer that sometimes it's right to do the wrong thing.

2007-09-16T01:06:00.000+08:00

Live a good life.

If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by.

If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them.

If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.

-- Marcus Aurelius.

We spend way too much time wondering what others think.

There are people who you don't think think about you at all but they do, and then there are the people who you think do but really don't at all. We care too much about what other people think of us, and we get disappointed when they dont think of us as much or as highly as we'd like them to think.

Its like we hold our self esteem and self worth based on the fleeting second thought someone has of us and at the end of the day, a lot of us place a lot of regard for that split second.

But people surprise you and a fleeting thought this one had of me, well, have you heard 'Hey There, Delilah' by Plain White Tee's?

hey there izzy, how's it like in brunei city/ im a thousand miles away but girl tonight u look so pretty yes u do/warisan square cant shine as bright as u, my word is true,/oh what u do to me, oh what u do to me..

No romantic intentions,I think, but well, its ohsocorny, but ohsosweet and he will never know how much it touched me because I won't ever tell him.

But imagine what he must have thought of my nonreaction?

Like I said,we spend way too much time wondering of what others think. We really shouldnt.It doesnt do much good.

But I just bet youre wondering what I think of you right now.

Tsk.;)

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

2007-09-02T11:25:00.000+08:00

i know not if this earth on which i stand is the core of the universe or if it is but a speck of dust lost in eternity. i know not and i care not. For i know what happiness is possible to me on earth. And my happiness needs no higher aim to vindicate it. My happiness is not the means to any end. it is its own goal. it is its own purpose.

-ayn raid

Did you hear that breeze as August folded away?

2007 is almost over and what a year its been. I would reflect and I would think but Im not in the moment so lets just say Im excited for what the last quarter of 2007 will bring before 2008 rolls in.

She was saying she cared a lot about me, her infusion of love kinda carried over in her voice and I knew she meant it. And I should have been ecstatic she was telling me how much I meant to her and how she missed me.

But really, a call at 5 am, a drunken one no less, really needs to be thought through.

Good for her though that I really really missed her too.

I suppose there are worse ways to be woken up.

and they gave each other a smile with the future in it

2007-08-23T22:34:00.000+08:00

Oh! The Places You'll Go

by Dr Seuss

Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?

How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right, or right-and-three-quarters?
Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.

Everyone is just

waiting.

oh, what you do to me.

2007-08-16T16:20:00.000+08:00

"What is love? As far as I can tell, it is passion, admiration, and respect. If you have two, you have enough. If you have all three, you don't have to die to go to heaven." -William Wharton.

He knows exactly how to make me crack a smile and make me laugh, and can make my day brighter with just the simplest of gestures.

He knows all my secrets, knows me through and through and yet still thinks I'm awesome, and I trust him with all my heart, and I know when I speak, he really does listen.

He simply turns me on, and theres no shame in admitting that.

And I'd be the happiest girl in the world if all three of them would just somehow merge to become one guy.

It is astonishing how little one feels alone when one loves

2007-08-04T03:44:00.000+08:00

Ink on paper is as beautiful to me as flowers on the mountains; God composes, why shouldn't we? ~Audra Foveo-Alba

And in my infinite wisdom, I accidentally deleted my tagboard in my overhaulling of my layout haste( too weird looking, this new one, too boring? comment and let me know?), and I am too sleepy to get another one so that will have to wait. I have enabled anyone to comment on my comments tho, so you really dont need to sign in anymore or look for a tagboard to comment, should you wish to.

I've always loved to read.

I am four, and I've just learned to read. Sure, I can't pronounce the words right and I my handwriting is already showing signs of its future atrociousness but I know then there's something about books that captivate me.

I am eight, and I've graduated to my dad's Reader's Digest collection, stretching back to the 1970s. I pore over the stories, and when my brain starts to hurt from too much information, I reach for my Archies. Betty and Veronica never failed me in their familiar simple struggle over Archie.

I am ten, and I have discovered Sweet Valley, Enid Blyton and Nancy Drew, and I insist that my primary school start a library, of which I help set up. I spend hours there and when the books are over, I wonder perhaps if we could get more. It has only been a week, my teacher in charge
informs me wryly, and I really should stop this speed reading.

Tentatively, hesitatingly, I start, not for school, not for anyone, but for me, to write.

I win awards for my writing.

I am twelve, and I have discovered Chronicles of Narnia, Harry Potter, Animorphs,Lord of The Rings, Anne Frank. I am lost in new worlds.

I am pulled by the power of the written word.

I discover the Internet and my writing finds an entirely new audience, even in 2001.

Being a pompous thing, I start to write my own book.

I am seventeen and have put my books away.

I am eighteen and rediscover books through Maeve Binchy and Jane Green, amongst others. I wonder how I could have forgotten about books, and regret the year lost.

I am twenty one.

And I have looked through old boxes. I have found remains of that book the twelve year old me started writing, and I have read it, and am astonished to realise how even written at twelve and being only three chapters long, it is not bad. Sure, I somehow mispelled some words here and there, and my grammar could be better.

But the notes are there, the idea is there and I have a vague idea how I wanted to 'finish' it.

It is not bad at all and I wonder if I should dare dream to ever finish it, or really, if it should remain entirely that. Nothing but a dream.

guide me/ lead me, follow me/ run by me, or get out of my way

2007-08-01T17:55:00.000+08:00

Do not reveal to friends all the secrets you possess; they may one day become enemies. Do not inflict on enemies every injury in your power; they may one day become friends.
-Sadi, "Gulistan"

I can't even begin to tell you how sad this quote makes me, but its definite food for thought. Strange, right? Youd think I would agree with a quote I put up there, but I disagree with it thoroughly.

I disagree with not trusting your friends with your all and I disagree with the reasoning that you shouldnt cause injury to others just because one day they could be your friends. You should be kind irregardless.

You'd expect me, after years of living on this earth, of navigating social circle upon social circle, to be able to tell when someone is sincere when they extend a hand of friendship or not, to be able to tell apart one who really wished you well from one who would go on to your enemies and tell them all the sad tales about your existence, withholding the beautiful happy parts, just because it makes them feel better about their own lives.

It was heartwrenching for me when I was younger, to share with someone, and then realise much later from unlikely sources that my secrets and the superficial details of my life have become used as fuel and fodder for conversations, the minute details twisted and turned until the original story has become almost fabrication.

In this day and age, its no wonder everyone of us doesnt have their very own publicist, really.

So, you'd think the best solution would be for most of us to hold our secrets to our hearts, right? Not sharing our all, in fear of what damage the information may do to us.

I dont agree and I pray you don't live your life by that.

SO, dont trust ANYONE?

Aha.

Anyone in love or loving can tell you that while we're never so vulnerable as when we trust someone, at the same time if we cannot trust, neither can love or joy be found by us.

So maybe now I word vomit once in a while to an unlikely source. And I hope that they will guard my secrets. But if they dont, thats okay too. Because in that space of time, when we were almost one, I considered them my friend.

Perhaps one should become at peace with whatever it is one would consider so secret that it could cause one injury should it become enemy's knowledge. Unless youre running for politics, and your skeletons in the closet could very well be anothers admiring and/or jealous glance.

As for not inflicting on anyone injury NOT because they could one day become your friend, I think you should be doing it for your own sake, for the sake of being kind.

Causing injury to someone, physically, mentally, emotionally, just because you CAN, thats revolting, and you should be kind not just to spare yourself future pain, but to spare them present pain.

Even if you think they deserved it or not, because at the end of the day, who are you to judge?

Tracing my fingers round a silhouette

2007-07-28T04:06:00.000+08:00

There's no such thing as a difficult decision. The truth is, decisions are easy.

You know why?

Because every time, every time, we already know the answer.

You see, you didn't come to me to make a decision.

You came to me because you didn't like the decision you'd already made.

-The Very Thought Of You

My parents have never been overly strict with me curfewwise or whatever, and have always trusted me so I was surprised when my dad called out to me when he saw I was on my way out.

Daddy: Come home early!

Me: Why dad! I'm old! I can take care of myself *goes into rant*

Daddy: I know you can, but I want to sleep early and I have to wait for you to come home before I can lock the gate!

Me:............

Daddy:What?

Me: I thought you were worried about my safety! I was touched! But youre not!!!

Daddy: Why should I? Youre old!

Hahaha. He was mostly kidding.

I think.

I was in my first flood the other day, and being one who hasnt experienced very many natural disasters nor well, anything really outdoorsy, whenever I do, the first thing that pops in my head is "PHOTO OPPORTUNITY".

Its not everyday you can take a picture where youre walking kneedeep in a flooded yet affluent residential area. It was quite a contrast.

You can totally tell which one is me by my generous butt. I've gained a lot of weight from eating home cooked meals and going to activities which have great food afterwards and eatin out with friends who love eating, for example:

We had three main courses, all to ourselves! I was quite impressed with Baz's appetite, considering she's tiny. But yay to good company over good food....and thats just ONE of our eating binges, hahaha.

In any case, I've gained a lot of weight again, and I'm trying to work it off/lose it but goodness me, doesnt it ever seem that the more you diet, the more you think about food?!

When it comes to my weight, its always been a sore spot for me, because I've always been bigger than my 'normal' weight. I wouldnt say I was obese (I think!?!) but I do know I'm not at the healthy weight range for my height (a measly 5 ft 3), if that even. I love my food.

Yes. 5 ft 3, maybe 5 ft 2, people. I look taller only because I cheat and wear wedges and heels all the frickin time. :D I have to! Id look short and stout like a teapot otherwise! :D

My friends once met me without heels, during a dance practice, realised they were towering over me and were very very surprised. Psh. Im not as amazonian as I deceive you all to think, but Id rather be taallll then shooorrtt. Wah!

Which reminds me, my hair is growing! YAY!

I also really like Jojo's version of "beautiful girls" by Sean Kingston, and you should listen to it. Youtube is being weird and wont let me embed, it could be my computer, anyway, and I didnt want to post a long ass link here because it just looks weird, so yeah.

Youtube it. Its way less irritating than the original.

catch a falling star and put it in your pocket/ never let it fade away

2007-07-24T15:09:00.000+08:00

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. -Mitch Ratliffe

That quote hits me, especially when I accidentally send out an email or IM I didnt mean to send, either because I was not in my right senses (heh, you know) or I think its a good idea at the time and BAM. Meh. Unanticipated consequences.

Thank God for the edit and delete buttons, but theres just no UNSEND cure, is there?

Seems to be our generations equivalent of drunk dialling. Unfocused emailing? heh.

~*~*~

It was brilliant.

I would review it, but by now, everyone and their pet cat has read and reviewed their copy, so Ill just say I loved it, even if I felt the epilogue was stupid and the ending was rushed. Brilliant nevertheless and my favourite installment from JK for the series by far. Thanks Joanne Kathleen Rowling, you made my adolescence have that extra magic and my imagination that extra spin over the years.

I apologise to those on my MSN or Facebook. I know I littered little spoilers here and there. I was just too excited and couldnt contain myself! FORGIVE ME (you know who you are :P)

I pre-ordered my copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, but I read the version leaked online and finished it before my hard copy was even in my hands. Haha. I still bought the book so nyeah. The online version leaked was the american version but the one sold here was the british so it was pretty cool having read both.

I felt bad because when I was paying for mine, this kid, he couldnt have been more than 11, he was trying to buy a copy but because he hadnt pre-ordered and Malaysian bookstores are doing this revolt on selling them because of Giant and other hypermarkets selling them at ridiculously cheaper prices. Ah well. I just like it when Current Events dun dun dun affect me too, or at least my immediate surroundings. I feel sorry for the ones who havent pre-ordered, like that kid. I would have sold him mine, since I already read it, but he gave me a dirty look, and I remembered I was a rabid fan, came to my senses and wanted my own copy so I walked away. Take that, mean kid.

~*~*~*~

I have found an affinity with karaoke lately, and its been crazy. I think one of my fave re- finds is Janet Jackson's "Again", one of the few songs my tentative voice can work. My newfound friends and I work the scene, and we always look for a new place to karaoke. Its all good fun.

Never underestimate karaoke. My jaw hurt the very first time I went again after a long time. Methinks I was grinning too much as I sang. Haha.

~*~*~*~

I have a blender. And I've decided I will use it to find my best mix of fruits to drink. I shalllet you know my progress.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Somehow I got myself into helping to choreograph a dance, and not just any dance but a good fast hip hop dance to a PlanetShakers song. Yes. Me. My last dance performance was a good two years ago, and even then I was already faltering.

I have been more of a go with the flow dancer, in clubs and/or parties than a choreographed dancer of late, but it amazing how much fun I'm having. (and discovering just how much out of shape I am GRR!)

Hopefully I'll be around to watch the performance, but if not, hey, the memories (and the exercise!) and the dance itself are well worth it.

and Im quiet when you say youre fond of me because to you I represent all the sins you never had the courage to commit.

2007-07-23T19:16:00.000+08:00

Delicious ambiguity.

I admit it. My life plans and priorities are all askew.

Or rather, my plans are being postponed as my priorities have shifted.

Ten years ago, I wanted to be a missionary, a nun, or a famous author. I was eleven, I was religious. I was untouched by high school and university.

Five years ago, I entered uni, decided to study accounting and information systems, and a whole new life opened itself up for me. Commerce, hmm.

Effectively, five years ago, if you had told me that my parents would decide to forgo the materialistic means of the world, retire, leave Brunei and become full time missionaries, I would have asked you if you had gone quite barking mad.

If you told me my parents would invest their savings into the Malaysian Second Home programme, a programme where you are granted multiple entry visa and allowed to live and stay in Malaysia as long as you put money in, and retire instead of working to earn money and working on business, just to spread the word of God and become full time missionaries, I would have called the men in white suits for you.

Heck, I would have escorted you myself.

I didnt see my family going that route. We had so many different plans, you see, and none of them really involved, oh lets be brutally honest here, none of them involved starting up a Couples For Christ ministry at all.

We are Philippine passport holders, and this has created a lot of ruckus plans wise. Now, I've never lived in the Philippines, and I don't know how life is there, but people keep telling me to try not to go back there to work. Sad. Maybe I should stop listening to other people.

Anyway, back to the story.

We had plans discussed over the dinner table, of emigrating elsewhere, or of going back to the Philippines and drumming up the business there, or continuing to stay in Brunei. We were wrapped up in the worlds expectations of what a better life was supposed to be, and five years ago, I promise you, we were well on our way to becoming materialistic brats. Forms were filled in, plans were made.

I didnt think full time mission work was even in my parents vocabulary.

So, heres the plan, five years ago.

I entered university with the intention to finish off my double major in accounting and IS degree, work my ass off, get my Chartered Accountancy qualification or other equivalent, watch my pay rise go up, work my ass off even more, money money money.

I did not have God on my mind. I dont think my parents, who were religious in their own way, really had God in mind either. Our plans did not accomodate God.

And here we see where life plans are not set in pen but in pencil. Erased at any moment and a new one scratched in.

In one sweep, my parents were called, and being their child, I was caught in the currents of their new decision. They asked me of course, and I said, do what you want. At the time, I didnt really think I would be affected.

Woah.

But affect me, it has.

Like the quote said. Delicious ambiguity.

I don't always understand the decisions my parents have made. But I do know my dad hasnt been this happy in years.

And I suppose if nothing else, this change in our lives is worth it because of that. But wow, are my parents doing a great job.

My plans are all askew, and getting far in this world is something I havent really thought about ever since I started helping my parents in their mission work. You can remember how I wrote before about work work work career career work work. But thats not what Im about right now, and for better or worse this break is career wise, I think I'm better inside.

I've turned down further offers and I've persisted looking for work near by. Its hard though, being foreign in Brunei and Malaysia. But being near to my family, after years away, even for just a few months, is so worth it.

If it makes them so much happier than I have seen them in years, I really have to think if my old plans would fit in with this new life they have built, and its really a big fat resounding 'No'.

I figure I can afford to take some time out to see whats really important in life beyond the obvious. And before I really immerse myself in full time work, I have to understand this path they chose.

So, the only real question, I suppose is, what now?

Where do I go from here?

Totally using that for my next layout, the sunset and my back are purty.

For all my flaws, I've always had a practical head on my shoulders. I'll be fine, I believe, and if not, I'll be fine too. I'll figure it out, children. I always do. This life should get sorted, rollercoaster and all.

Oh, of course and I really want to start on that CPA qualification. No, I don't want to suddenly revert to the ten year ago plan. Haha. I have my plans, they remain thus. Whether theyll happen or not is something else altogether of course.

Difference is, I'm inviting God along for the ride properly now, because while I've always believed, to me thus far, He's really always been up there, never right beside me. And I guess what I'm saying is, I place my life and plans in His hands.

And for me, the headstrong me, to admit that,after all I've been through, and in spite of, not because of my parents day job, for me to admit that, in this day and age, is pretty darn miraculous.

I think the 11 year old me would approve.

dont you think its time?

2007-07-19T03:29:00.000+08:00

So. I had a better entry. Really. With pictures and musings.

But, Im afraid Im exploding in Harry Potter nerdness right about now.

Because Harry Potter & Deathly Hallows has been leaked.

And Im really really struggling not to download and read it right now, but I think Ill lose that battle.

i want to be everything except for your mistake

2007-07-07T22:53:00.000+08:00

Maybe its not the lies we tell
That will send us straight to hell
Maybe its the words we don't say
In the every day to day
That will reserve us a seat
In the place of fire, brimstone, and heat.
-unknown

Random entry today, random thoughts.

~*~*~*~

Its 1.30 am on a Sunday morning,and given that Im supposed to be getting up at 6 for mass, and meeting up with friends to watch Transformers (again) and have a long Sunday planned,I really should be asleep right now.

Today, I looked at my friendster, myspace,hi5 accounts (yeah wow, I know, what an exciting Saturday!), and realised I did not care for 1/3 of the people on it, 1/3 I couldnt recognize from the ever changing pictures and names and I probably only really knew less than 1/2 of the 1/3 remaining. Im only really active on facebook,and even on that not so much.

I often wonder how many people added me because they wanted to increase their friends count or snoop around in my life or actually really cared about me. So many anonymous faces and lives.

Its pretty sad.

I sometimes wonder about these people, and wonder if I was important, significant to them in any way, or if they were to me. There must have been a friendship, or good feelings towards the other at some point in time, for the adding to have occured. Or else..

what was the bloody point?

~*~*~*~

"I am in pain," I whine to my supposed to be caring guy friend.
"What pain? Is it that time of the month again? NOT AGAIN! Why every month!?!" he declares.
"....................."
"hello?? Hello?"
"If I suddenly SKIPPED a month, would that be better?!"
"YEAH!"
"....................."
"...what!?"
"You do realise me skipping could mean PREGNANCY OR A HORMONAL IMBALANCE OR AN ILLNESS RIGHT!?!"
"Well, if it would stop you from being in pain..."
"...............*whines random things I have forgotten now, but it included funny threats*"
"Oh fine, fine fine, whine to me all you want, thats what I am here for, to call you and listen for hours on end about your bodily pains! Never mind MY aches, MY needs! Who cares about MY problems!!"
"EXACTLY!"
"...I dont know why I put up with such abuse!!"

Hahaha, I love my friends.

~*~*~*~
So, theres a thing called LiveEarth advertised everyfreakingwhere. All those concerts.

MSN, tv, what have you.

Well, in my opinion, totally my own opinion, alright, I could be totally WRONG, mind you, the most contradicticting, almost hypocrital thing about LiveEarth is that I think the amount of energy it would take to power all those concerts kind of in a way defeat the message of the concerts themselves.

But maybe thats just me.

hard to say what it is I see in you

2007-07-05T01:15:00.000+08:00

"That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!"- Calvin & Hobbes

Today I will flaunt my new bracelet!

Now, I normally dont wear bracelets. But this is a special one!

Look! It came in a pretty box!!!

Being almost a nomad the past few years, moving all my belongings here and there and everywhere, I dont normally get packages or any sort of present or card via the traditional post, because pinning my location down is pretty hard.

Yaaay, kool aid!!

I could move any time, and while that may sound exciting to someone who's never left their home, for someone who doesnt even really know where hers is, it just means I have to keep adjusting, and I have to be up for anything, and I guess I have to keep an extra eye on things like visas and passports.

POP ROCKS!

And getting mail? Honest to goodness mail from someone?

It truly makes my day, if not my week, not only because its such a rare occurence, but because in this age of the convenient, instant, speedy, intangible electronic mail, traditional slow tangible mail just screams of extra love.

$US 11. 55 for postage? o_0 Its a tiny box!!

Okay, not JUST A BOX but a box! A box! Of presents! For me!!!

One of my soul sisters, Lori, sent me something in the mail, from the states. She's wonderful and always remembers me and sends me stuff, whether she's in Europe or America. She even sent me a pressed flower from Angers, France once. Of course being quite sakai I was thrilled.

Tiny box?

But that tiny little box spilled out tReAsUre!!

Okay, treasure in my eyes, haha, because I was so happy to tear it open to see what she sent me. People dont care but in my happy eyes, I am thrilled to receive another supply of stuff, because no, this isnt the first I got from her. But ahh, it so made my year, because between me and you, I really was getting the mid year blues.

and did I tell you I cut my hair?

It was damaged and dry and boring and how I miss the length like an extra limb! My hair feels so light and well, I regret it a lot, but what to do, its been done. I give myself a week to adjust, and 3 months to grow it out. Haha.

I love presents! =D

personality is merely presentation

2007-07-04T18:48:00.000+08:00

...WOAH! HOLD UP

Alvin and the Chipmunks?!

THEY ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE GANGSTA HOLLYWOOD. SIMON WAS NEVER THAT COOL. ALVIN DIDNT HAVE A HOOD!

THEY SHOULD HAVE DRAWN THEM LIKE THIS:

OH HOLLYWOOD, HOW YOU DISAPPOINT ME.

forget your darkness behind some clever conversation

2007-06-30T02:58:00.000+08:00

Even if you are on the right track, you wil get run over if you just sit there.-Will rogers

Before everything else:

Spice Girls are reuniting for a tour! My 5th grade self just leaped for joy!

*ahem* Anyway.

They are there for me, no matter what. And will probably be with me long after my last friend has bid me adieu.

I don't know what I'd do without my family.

And that is both my biggest weakness and my biggest strength.

So, I like to fantasize/ And watch the sunrise like it's a big surprise

2007-06-28T00:44:00.000+08:00

“They say men are children, but sometimes children are men. Maybe that’s where the confusion lies.” -The Wonder Years

I am so scared of this world sometimes.

Over the roar that is the hurricane-tsunami Paris, have you heard of Aaron Hall?

No?

Good. Because the press seem to want to keep it that way.

http://bookshop.livejournal.com/834653.html

...its grotesque. Human beings at their worst, and to think the news didnt get out for so long and his murderers using the ugly 'gay' word to justify their crime. And it goes deeper than that, take a minute to read the link. The man wasnt even gay to begin with! And even if he was, even if he was flaming INYOURFACE PRETTIER THAN A WOMAN gay, so bloody what?

For his attackers to feel angered that the people he chooses to sleep with is enough to make their crime 'okay' enough for them to use homosexuality panic as a defense? And to have this not reported till a good two months after?

Its horrifying to me, that in a world advocating freedom from every oppression, and from a land supposedly more civilized, things like this still happen! I am saddened and disheartened that the world we live in today devotes more time to Paris getting out of jail than to crimes like that.

Makes you wonder what other crimes we don't hear about, because I'm 120% certain that Aaron Hall is not alone.

On that note, Chris Benoit killed his child and wife and himself recently. I used to watch him on WWE.

Its just all so sad and I dont know quite what to feel right now and these make my world, the world I am inheriting from the past generation, the world I am giving my children, seem so full of pure hate and malevolence, who needs the your fictional movie and book villains?

How is it that when I was growing up, my world was not like this?

When I was growing up, faux celebrities were relegated to stories in the back of the paper, were not a daily fixture, do people even realise that Tony Blair has ended a decade of service and has been replaced by Gordon brown?

Maybe it comes hand in hand.

What do I mean? Maybe the reason these celebrities are getting the covers, the headlines, the buzz so to speak, is simply because of how scary the world is of late. If we could just pause and escape into a SIMPLE WORLD of entertainment escapism, maybe that is enough to distract us from the reality of the world's deterioration.

Maybe people want us to focus on the likes of Paris because its so much simpler to talk about her than to be faced with the reality of the Darfur, of the lives lost in politics in the Philippines and so on, in the War On Terror, of global warming and its consequences on you and me, of the ever growing gap between the rich and the poor, of child labour and you can name your own thing here.

Don't get me wrong. There is a beauty in the breakdown.

There are unnamed heroes and movements sweeping the globe everyday. Beyond the madness, there is still hope, and there is faith, and there is love. And while I know I am blessed beyond measure, goodness me, how can I not be saddened when I read of people like Aaron Hall.

You and I must not choose to remain apathetic. But I know 99% of us will, and focus on our hair, and our faces and our bodies, and on our 'loves' and our other everyday so called problems and issues, because lets face it.

It is much easier fixing a broken nail than a broken world.

Its times like these that I pray that much extra harder, and it is a shame that it took a murder to get me to do that.

we kiss each other, one more time, and sing this lie, thats halfway mine

2007-06-24T12:41:00.000+08:00

"Everything we do affects other people." - Luke Ford

Yes.

I totally posted this just to show off the new promo picture for the next film.

The End!

and if you see us in the club/ you'll be watchin all night

2007-06-15T16:55:00.000+08:00

The only way to accept an insult is to ignore it. If you can't ignore it, top it. If you can't top it, laugh at it. If you can't laugh at it, you probably deserved it. unknown

Whenever I hear songs that shout about "Me, Myself and I" and you know, the constant reiteration that all you have at the end of the day is yourself, I laugh.

Okay, its what sells the records at one end of the extremes, singing about being alone, themes that play from unrequited love, being left, leaving someone, dealing with being alone....this dealing with some form of supposed brokenness as to why at the end of the day we are alone, but screw that, we're better off alone anyway!

Are we really?

Better off alone?

I dont mean alone without a partner, a lover, a boyfriend, a girlfriend. I mean alone, without the world, alone facing the world. Its more idyllic hearing songs about "its you and me against the world" than "its me me me! only! me! alone! forreever! yay!"

Because, well, while it IS empowering, while it IS liberating, and at some level I know that while it's true, that all you really have is yourself at the end o the day, songs like that are hardly what we really want at the end of the day. And yet

When it all comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody.

No, hear me out.

Thats why loneliness kills and can lead to depression, holidays must never be spent alone, and why touch is often the most powerful and tear inducing human sense. Its why hugs are often used to relieve someone's grief, why kisses can soothe someone's sadness, why innocent cuddles can fuel one's lust, why tickling can make someone's day, why dancing is considered almost another form of foreplay, why people confuse lust with love, why you can hear someone excusing their promiscuity by saying they tried to kill the pain and so on and so forth...

Its why some people stay in relationships that go nowhere, or persist in maintaining relationships where theyre not really in love with their partner, but HEY ITS BETTER THAN BEING ALONE. That fear of growing old alone gnaws at you.

Amazingly, just being with someone else, however way, emotions be damned, spending time with someone, even in silence, can be enough to cure most heartaches, even temporarily. Nothing like being with someone who you know *gives a damn* about you. And while touch is powerful, hearing someones caring voice over the phone, receiving a sweet text, being nudged on MSN (thanks, technology), can sometimes be just as overwhelming.

So this action by which we all keep our distance, stay away, pretend not to care about each other, it's almost always a big load of B freaking S.

We pick and choose who we really want to remain close to, and these chosen people are often thoe ones we stick close by to, no matter how much we hurt them or vice versa. Coz these people, right, (and you know you have yours), they are the ones that are still with you at the end of the day, despite it all.

The ones who know all about you, and stick by your side anyway, those are the ones worth keeping. They know about that scandal, they know about that fear,and they dont care. They know you beyond the public image your portray and damn them, theyre there for you anyway!

And if youre very lucky, and youre very blessed, as you read this, you were picturing your exact people in your mind. You lucky thing.

Okay okay, sometimes close can be too close, way too close, like omg get out of my life get your own life close. Like, omg you know about that!? close.

But sometimes, at the end of the day, its these people we fall to. And even if theyre distant geographically, even if you havent seen each other in years, when you meet again, it is always beautiful.

Because these people we run to, we know that theyre gonna be the ones catching us. And we'd do the same thing for them.

No matter if its too close. Sometimes, that invasion of personal space,that little moment of clarity that youre not really alone.. it can be exactly what you need.

Sometimes reputations outlive their applications, and theyre the very people who outlive it with you.

Don't get me wrong now. You CAN make it in this world alone. But if given a choice, do you really want to?

And that, ladies and gents, is why I laugh at those songs. Cheers.

the way you convince me to dance in the rain

2007-06-11T01:08:00.000+08:00

To be nobody but yourself, in a world which is doing it's best, night and day, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
~ E.E. Cummings

Scared children running during Vietnam War 35 years ago:

Crying Paris Hilton getting taken back into jail:

Question:What do the two pictures have in common?

Answer: The same photographer.

Truth. The guy who took that photo above 35 years ago also took that one of Paris Hilton. He won a pulitzer for that photo, and now..

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nick_Ut

Our priorities sure have gone down in the past 35 years. :/

Don't you just love how the context of an "important historical picture" has changed so much?

its spelled glamourous, fergie

2007-06-10T23:45:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.
-- Mark Twain.

I was so excited when my baby brother said "Hey, Ive seen that guy somewhere before", about a guy in a commercial the other day. He was referring, of course, to the hotsohotsopleasedontbegayandcrushmydreams Wentworth Miller. I was happy he recognised Wentworth, thinking my brother, who doesnt watch television shows as avidly as I do, was *finally* appreciating him for his work in Prison Break. I beamed. I glowed.

...until he sang, "..and when you left, I lost a part of me..."

He recognised him from Mariah Carey's video, We Belong Together. -_- Wagh!

A friend visiting KK from Singapore told me today she wanted to get me a job with her marketing and pr firm. There is a vacancy. And I had to gently remind her I finished in accountancy, so I must go in that field.

And she looks at me questioningly and says, "Must you?"

And I realised, in that clear moment,yeah,"Must I?"

I have a confession to make!

I struggled in my course and while I enjoyed it, I didnt enjoy it as fully as I know I would have a Mass Com degree or something geared more towards Marketing or BBA or even heck, English or arts. I think I finished my course mostly because I wanted to make my parents proud and not disappoint them.

I've always been more into words than numbers, which really makes me wonder how I pulled that degree off sometimes o_0

Its not that easy, juggling a double major in accounting & information systems, two completely different fields. But I pushed through and I made it, and now that when push comes to shove for me to USE the damn degree that I struggled for years for, I'm rethinking whether I should go into an entirely new field altogether.

Which is why I'm triply thinking my next career move. Accounting? Information Systems? Or something else entirely? Ah. Life. I asked my parents and as usual, they were no help,"Do whatever you want to do, dear". Le sigh.

They should have had a course at uni that told you what happened if you made dumb career moves. I can get accounting jobs. But in my heart of hearts, I think the biggest reason I balk at accounting job offers is because I secretly dont want one and want something les technical. I mean, I can do it. I can do your taxes and balance your accounts for you perfectly.

But that doesnt mean its what I want to really be doing.

By the way, if you didnt know it before, u'll know it now.I have a lot of nerve. No, really I do. I handed in my resignation letter,right, which was really only a formality, because I had already verbally informed my boss that I would be pursuing other opportunities and not continuing on to full time work after my probation period but thank you for the offer lalala that speech, ya know?

I tested the waters and they werent for me, and while the company rocks, theres little room for promotion and/or maybe Malaysia isnt for me, I dunno. I have a lot of nerve, because I then asked for a few days off to go to Brunei. Yeah. Lol. See?I do have a lot of nerve, but I am doing overtime and finishing up accounts responsibly so its all good. Ah, on to the next. Keep my career move in your prayers, dear readers.

Chris Brown's version of Umbrella kills me, I swear.

remember the telephone goes both ways

2007-06-05T02:08:00.000+08:00

"Respect is based on friendship, and friendship is based on love, and love is so... accidental." -Henry David Thoreau

It amused me when he and I picked matching ones. I had gone before him in line and when he came out with the same one, upside down, it was like yin and yang. And that probably describes our friendship best, though whoever is yin and whoever is yang is anyone's guess. We never did take good photos. I was just too tanned and he was way too pink.

In any case, I was TRICKED into going for facials the other day.

I figured it would be a fun outing. Here's the thing, I've done facials before, but never ones with scary names like Bio-Lift and Diamond peel, and after seeing my skin, the skin analyst literally said in no nonsense english "Girl, you need help,STAT!"

Okay, she didnt REALLY say that.

I didnt realise my skin was so bad. Okay, they were probably just trying to milk me for all my money, and make me feel bad so I'd pay more, but ya know.

I found myself agreeing to her recommendations. It was joked I was off to the ICU, Emergency Unit, lol, for my skin. Oh har de har har.

I lay on my back awkwardly and my skin care person couldnt speak English. Oh doy. She spoke in careful malay to me and I looked up and saw a person with snow white complexion, even if her face was covered in a mask thing that looked like what I was wearing during the haze craz in Brunei. But I digress.

She washed my face with a cloth, massaged my face then proceeded to put a mask on. I pretty much fell asleep. Then I woke up and she informed me she was doing a 'diamond peel', and I saw her use this vacuum and scrub thing on my face! Which scared me but after wards I saw so much...exfoliation (read: dead skin cells) done, I couldnt quite believe it. Then she steamed my face. Then she proceeded to tell me, "this is going to hurt" and for about 30 mins or more, with a steamer, she started to poke and prode and prick and push and basically attack my face and I was in tears at the end of it.

One word: Excruciating.

THEN, she showed me everything, every pus, blackhead, whitehead, pimple, WHATEVER, that she tortured out of my face and I was literally horrified. Thankful, sure. But horrified nonetheless.

THEN she aimed this blue light thing on me which was supposed to kill all bacteria on my face, for about another good 30 mins or so. I really slept then.

THEN she put a mask AGAIN (so i slept again)

THEN she took the mask off and massaged my face again. Which felt sooo good. She even gave me an arm and back massage and did my eyebrows, for good measure.

So I was done.

I cant say I felt my skin was GLOWING (because believe me, my skin currently needs HELP. You cant get away on no sleep like me over the years and not experience hormonal imbalances and skin flare ups, unfortunately), but itwas definitely cleaner.

AND they gave TEA!

Which of course made me happy, so I was TRICKED into buying their products.

I went to HerbaLine Beauty Centre, apparently all herbal and whatnot. So after trying a range of products from high measures to cheap fixes, I'm giving this one a go.

If it still doesnt help, meh, I may really have to consider oral antobiotics again or something.

...I started this entry out to talk about my day, but I ended up revelling you all with tales of my skin journey. Lol, oops.

On one note though, two of my best friends told me they didnt see what I needed them facials for, they felt I shined brightly enough without them. Aw, sweetness beyond belief. I think I tried out this line mostly because I was curious and hey, its for my own confidence.

So if I dont see changes after forking out for their products, someones head is rolling.

And plus, facials? Strangely addicting and I can't wait for my next appointment.

you wear those shoes and I will wear that dress

2007-06-04T00:18:00.000+08:00

You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.

-Breakfast at Tiffany's

While more a sampler of the variety than a regular partaker, I have no problem with alcohol, and used wisely (or unwisely so to speak), it can often lead the the funnest upon funnest upon funnest of nights (and even days, for the more party hearty).

However.

I abhor the fact that alcohol is used as a free ticket for people to be able to something they really want to do and not take responsibility for their actions.

Like the girl who really likes dancing/making out with guys in clubs but 'would never do that if sober' so is prudish as we enter a party/event/club/bar/pub but after one shot (come on, ONE shot!?) is off dancing with guys and then giving me looks of disgust at the guy she's dancing with but is OBVIOUSLY really enjoying herself. Then the next day proclaims about how drunk she was and she'd neveerrr do it if sober. *rolls eyes* Bitch, puh-lease.

Like the guy who when 'drunkened up' chooses then to tell me he is absolutely in love with me. Then denies it the next day to gauge my reaction, which is of course, amused and bemused, to see if I'll react and I know if I gave even an iota of a reaction, he'll break and tell me 'properly'. Sorry babe, I see right through you, and if you don't have the guts to carry it through and not use alcohol to protect yourself from my probable rejection, I will not lift a finger to make it any easier for you.

Alcohol lowers ones inhibitions. It does not give the drinker sudden new desires or newer levels of feelings, it just opens up the person to actually act on something he/she always wanted to do.

Own up to your inner desire to snog that guy! So the girl is deemed slutty, but without the added connotation that she is lying about her lack of sobriety in order to get with guys.

We have to own up and be responsible for most of, if not all, our actions.

Using alcohol as a protection blanket is a cheap out.

Using alcohol to toughen yourself up before an event is one thing, or to calm yourself down is another, but using it BEFORE something, merely to be able to use it as an excuse AFTER said event that "It only happened because I was drunk", I think thats pretty spineless.

But imagine if you just said, "yeah, i did it of my own accord. I risked it, and well, I got shot down/rejected/humiliated, but it was worth a risk."

Ah, to be said to be worth a risk, and not said to be worth a drunken mistake the next day!.

sometimes a moment stuns us

2007-06-02T15:49:00.000+08:00

"Values are like fingerprints. Nobody's are the same, but you leave 'em all over everything you do. "
~Elvis Presley

It amuses me how just because I never proclaim to the rooftops about being in love that people automatically assume I am not involved with anyone and neither am I in love.

Just because I dont talk about it, and use attempts at writing like in my previous post to talk about it, doesnt mean I am in a relationship, and neither does it mean I am not in one. What do you call a partnership that transcends that? I've had my share of wonderful men, horrible men, so on and so forth, but what girl my age hasnt. My relationships with men do not define my life, and in fact are the icing, the bonus, the extra pleasures (if you will) of my life, and never have been all that my life has been about....and reading all that over again, I suppose thats the problem with me. I suppose I'll only really be 'in love' the days my posts are filled with gushes and swoons, so till then, I remain ambiguous, at least to the blogging sphere.

My parents are back, and how I missed them. Stayed at a friend's all week. It was nice and I enjoyed getting to know her and her family better, plus she cooks really well, which is always a plus in my books.

When Shakira came out with "Hips Dont Lie", I could swear half the world salivated and wanted to learn belly dancing and spanish. I was underwhelmed, but must admit with the right crowd, place and music, I was on the dance floor and you couldnt pull me off. In mid 2006 of course. The song gave way to other hot tracks, but back then, it was sick.

The Fray (famous for their Greys Anatomy "How To Save A Life" song), made a version of their own this year, which re-ignited my love for this song. I dont know where you can get the song, but a fan made a version of it with clips from youtube:

Its sexy hearing men say theyre reading the signs of my body. Lol. Its half parody, but its great.

Job decisions are looming. My current job probation doing auditting at Borneo Oil ( they own sugarbun and so on, its pretty cool :D ) is ending, and I have to decide and decide fast because papers have to be processed. I have an accounting degree. I should use it, I know. I wish I wasnt so picky. Take a damn offer, Izzah. *sigh* Would it be career suicide to take a job that pays more but isnt really in my accounting field? Would it be risky,future wise? I think it would. *sighs* I wish I had the luxury of taking a job in a line I want to be in, rather than the line I have to be in.

I went out with some friends a few nights ago, and as I was scrambling to take my camera, they said "leave the camera, we can take our own memories", which made me realise that I spend too much time lately taking photos in order to remember events that I hardly ever spend time at the event itself just...being there.

And it was good, being there, in the present, breathing it all in.